HEART STUFF

In Need of His Grace

2010-11-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I began to feel that overwhelming, nagging, irritable, impatient, frustrated thing that signals grief is knocking at the door. If I don't give myself to extra time with the Lord when I recognize it, it threatens to disrupt the delicate balance of life. I know this about myself and have seen the patterns enough now to know how to respond. Generally, the longer I try to keep it at bay, the stronger it grows. The only way to move through it a little more swiftly is to embrace it and let the emotions out before the Healer of my soul.

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying just to make it through the day intact with full intentions on getting before God and not just going to sleep hoping I would wake up better. But just as it goes, many times, once the dust of the day has settled and I am available for this mini breakdown; it disappears. I have often felt like saying...ok God, here we are and NOW there's nothing. When I have the time to work through emotions, that's when they take a siesta.

God is so good and I sense a stirring and drawing towards Him that I haven't in a while. It's so good. I know there is something to be said for being faithful regardless, but it's so good to run hard WHILE you hear Him calling. What's odd is that I hear Him calling me to a season of discipline, correction and instruction. I love that it matters less what He's calling me to, but just THAT He is calling! He disciplines for our good that we might share in His holiness. After being trained by it, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

So in the midst of feeling like I'm entering a good season in some ways spiritually, I can't help that I've already counted down a few times until January 1 and felt like that's when I will fully be in the clear in crossing yet another mile stone; the second anniversary of Scott's death. Inevitably (and even fondly, but painfully so) I am remembering the lasts, and all that followed this season two years ago.

While I'm "ok" today, I want to ask for prayer for myself and Scott's parents and siblings over the next few weeks. I know when grief is more present and I'm in the thick of it, it isn't very likely that I will ask. Please ask the Lord to be near, that His unfailing love would be our comfort. Psalm 119:76

Thank you

Sensitive Hearing

2010-10-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

I rarely get to sleep later than 7am. Usually, my son is up pretty early and greets me if I don’t set the alarm. My aunt spent the night with us this past Tuesday night and offered to wake up with the kids in the morning. This usually doesn’t work because I still hear them. The kid’s rooms are downstairs, and my room is in an open loft upstairs, so it doesn’t take much. In an effort to take advantage of her offer, I slept with ear plugs in. Somewhere around 3am, I found myself at the top of the stairs with Eliya at the bottom. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she had to go potty. Of course the bathroom is right next to her room, but I suppose ascending the stairs to tell me first makes perfect sense to an almost 4 year old at 3 o’clock in the morning. I helped her to the potty and back to bed, and then I returned to my bed… ear plugs still in.

I lay there wondering at the fact that I didn’t even have a cognitive thought of hearing a child and choosing to get out of the bed. My first memory is being awake at the top of the stairs knowing I heard one of my children. It’s amazing that God has wired mothers like that. My effortless, less than conscious response to the faintest sound of my child is automatic and responsive. I immediately asked my Father to make my spirit that sensitive to His voice. I long for my spiritual ears and eyes to be so set on the One who sits enthroned in heaven. Samuel’s response to the Lord was “speak Lord, for your servant is listening”1 Sam 3: 9-10. Even now Lord, I ask that you would awaken my spirit to Yours! Speak Lord…and help me to listen!

Life is like a mortar and pestle

2010-08-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

Life is like a mortar and pestle

I got to go to parts of the Glory of Intercession conference last weekend at IHOP Atlanta. As I mentioned in the previous post, my heart was heavy and I wasn’t “feeling it”. I went anyway because besides knowing I needed it, I had already paid. The first service in, Corey Russell was talking about how we have to get our minds set on heavenly things. Often what God does for me or says to me is not what is going on corporately. I remember a few verses really stood out to me amid other topics that were being taught on. I kept hearing Colossians 3:1 "Set your mind on things above where Christ is seated". It struck me as he mentioned when the disciples asked him how to pray, Jesus immediately responded with “our father in heaven YOUR name is holy!” It was as though the Holy Spirit was highlighting to me come up here.

I went feeling overwhelmed, stressed, strained and pretty well maxed out emotionally. Billy Humphrey got up and started making some declarations in the spirit. Two things he said that seemed to break the delicately balanced emotional wall I was trying hard to maintain were; that the season of widowhood was over and a bruised reed he would not crush, but that in fact he would blow on that reed until it was set ablaze.

At those declarations, I lost it. So I said, Ok Lord, You keep saying “come up here” where YOU are. What is it that I’m supposed to see? I imagined that I was with God as a friend and we were looking down together on my kids and me. Then the image of this little mortar and pestle I have popped into my head. I know that you use this in cooking, among other things. I looked up the words and in the Latin; the mortar is the “receptacle for pounding" and the pestle means “pounder”. So there we are… me the mortar and God, life, the enemy… the “pounder”. The only time I have ever seen one used was by Scott in the kitchen while making pesto. You place the herb and then crush it, releasing the fragrance and flavor; after it is crushed you add olive oil to it. When I saw this image while at IHOP, I knew what God was saying. I felt like God was asking if I would agree with His heart in the crushing process. I also felt like He said He would release the aroma of Christ through this very crushing. All of life in this earthly tent is about perspective. His is the only perspective that matters, so I want to know what He is doing!

To know that God sees me and hears my cry changes everything. To know that I am not forgotten. To know that these pains will produce the aroma of Christ. To know that momentary and light affliction is producing a weight of glory far beyond comparison. To know that I can partner with and agree with the heart of God on this matter of crushing. YES JESUS! Always YES.

I can’t describe the weight that lifted (the weight lifted far before the puffy eyes went down). Day two at the conference, I had the kids with me all day. Many things didn’t go right. I didn’t get to hear the majority of the morning service because Simeon was terrified of a screaming kid in childcare area. They took a short late nap, which caused me to miss the afternoon service. We had to leave before night service preaching started. I felt like the happiest, most optimistic person though! I got to dance with my kids in worship and my heart was alive and the kids were really great!

I pray that I can walk in the Spirit often enough to really know God is always for me. My circumstances or emotions at any given time are unreliable. He is good, He is God. He has a plan to bring His kingdom to the earth and is looking for people through whom He can work. I believe He loves me and will use the least measure necessary to get the results of sanctification in my life. I will agree with His heart over this life.

I pray that you will set your mind on things above and see your life and circumstances from His perspective and find there is fullness of joy in His presence forever (Psalm 16:11).

The Down Side

2010-08-27T20:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday August 19th

The downside of the wounds of grief on the heart is that just having a difficult day or a “down day” can become a black hole that threatens to suck you in for an unknown quantity of time. I woke this am with 1 Thessalonians 5:16 in my head; it refers to being joyful always and giving thanks in everything. Somewhere between waking and 8 am, the sun seemed to hide and the “funk” came around me. The funk for me is the unexplainable sadness that appears from nowhere and seems to be here to stay a while. Is it my anniversary a couple of weeks ago that leaves a lingering emotional dip in my heart; or is it my birthday around the corner? These times serve to remind me that we no longer share these things…only I am here to remember the plans for a lifetime we dreamed together.

Thursday, I went to the house of prayer prepared to just BE with God (not do, not praying for things in my life or anyone else’s, just to sit WITH Him). I went in hopes that my time with Jesus would realign the focus of my heart on Him until His faithfulness and goodness moves back from my head to my heart. God was so good as I was overwhelmingly reminded that it is so significant that I simply come. Not what I am able to bring to Him but just to BE. So often I strive. Even when I am aware of it, I strive to not …well strive. Work, work, work. I get sucked into estimating how God views me and feels about me based on how I view myself and feel about myself. If I feel productive and great, God must be proud…but if I have succumbed to the funk, there must be some disappointment on His part because I am disappointed that the truth of His word doesn’t seem to be lifting me out the way we would expect (me and my view of God’s heart toward me at times= we).

Recently, I put Simeon to bed and he quickly closed his eyes and started that rhythmic breathing that shows sleep is setting in. I thought about how much I enjoy that he is at peace and rest in my presence. I also love when one of my kids has a little boo-boo and the solution is just in my holding them. Not significant to the physical, but great medicine for their hearts. Some of my most enjoyable times as a parent are actually in these moments when my child is doing the least to “earn” my affection. They see the joy in my face when they “get it right” or make the right choice whether it be sharing or speaking politely. These DO make me happy (and help in keeping peace). These still don’t compare to the fellowship of our hearts that takes place in the stillness of “everything is alright with the world because we’re together”.

Thursday my heart was heavy and hurting. God so spoke to my heart that delights in me and enjoys me…not just when I think things are going well, but even when I feel sad. He let me sit in His lap and reminded me that when I come to the end of myself and find only His presence will do; those are some of His favorite times too.

In that, I can give thanks! Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.

Whirlwind

2010-08-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy lately. Overwhelmingly so actually. Between just trying to keep up with a two and three year old, the house of prayer, and my on-going house project...I am often overwhelmed.

On the "busy" 2 and 3 year olds. They are so great. So challenging much of the time, but such a joy also. I taught Simeon how to say I love you in Spanish tonight. Last Sunday morning, he woke up first and those first few minutes are the BEST snuggle times. I sat with him and after about 5 minutes he looked at my dress and said, "ohhh, flowers. Mama pretty". Isn't that the sweetest thing?!? Just a couple of days later though he wouldn't let me kiss him; I got him anyway and he said yucky as he wiped the infected area...so go figure. Eliya is really thinking a lot these days. She is remembering everything and piecing things together I wouldn't expect her to. I continue to ask God for wisdom in how to lead these little ones to Him and through this life.

At the house of prayer we had a 6 week internship that ended the beginning of July. It was filled with prayer room hours, meeting weekly at the Toccoa Falls College Campus to ask God to move there this coming year, learning and practicing meditating on the Word and listening for God's voice and teachings on topics like intimacy with God, Israel and Eschatology. It was a great time and really built us up as a prayer community. I also got some help with leading our main Tuesday night worship and intercession time these past several weeks from a friend, Anna Kate, home from college for the summer. It was a blessing in many ways to have help with this aspect of the house of prayer!

My on-going house project is...well...going on! It's been a big encouragement to see how God has seen and heard my requests. We moved out of our house early January and minor remodels became major and we've been displaced since then. My in-laws graciously let us take over their house for the past few months. After money ran out and before the project was near complete, I struggled with the fact that I was not seeing many of the things I know to be true of God. The Word says He's a Husband, and a Father, and a Provider...but I had a house that for almost 8 months I haven't been able to settle in with my kids. Knowing that God's word is true, I assumed that I wasn't doing something right. Maybe not asking in the right way or praying with enough faith. Maybe there was some lesson I hadn't gotten just right to "release the blessing or response" as you hear some preachers teach. I was so frustrated. At one of the many breakdowns along this journey, I cried out to God and heard Him say Job. I'm far too optimistic to really care for Job's story in the Bible, but I skimmed all the headings and saw that what his three friends were saying was much like the accusation I had against myself. They basically said the principle exists that God blesses the righteous and curses the wicked. What was TRUE in this story was that these men spoke for God but didn't know His ways, mind or heart. Through reading this story, I felt like God was saying (something I've heard before) that He wasn't ignoring my prayer, but answering another one at the same time. I've asked and have been asking to be purified. I want to be holy. I want to KNOW God. With circumstances like these, the enemy of our soul wants to lie to us about who God is and who we are before Him...and God wants to allow us to get a little more to the end of ourselves so His life can be raised up in us. I believe that God said to me "If I had asked you to go through this season and come out of it just a little closer, would you have said YES?" and with that perspective, I would absolutely have said yes. So I realize that I haven't even come close to walking it out well. I've been frustrated, short with my family, lacking in trust, hopeless, helpless, and felt completely out of control A LOT of the past 8 months. In spite of all of that, God sent some amazing people from my church and some family have stepped in and come alongside of me in an overwhelming and humbling way and my house is nearly done. We will be living there by next weekend. God is so good. No His ways are not my ways and His timing is DEFINITELY not mine; but He's so good and I pray I have grace to lean in harder and earlier the next ~~trial~~ opportunity that comes my way.

There are so many things going on in my heart and mind these days; hopefully I will be able to slow down soon and blog a little more! Thank you for the many of you who have lifted us up before God. Please continue to pray for wisdom for me in parenting and leading the two amazing kids, protection and provision for our family, and that we'd live with a kingdom/eternal perspective.

Hearing the voice of God

2010-06-16T04:21:00.001-07:00

I was just pondering hearing God's voice. I am in a season of pressing in to hear His voice more clearly. I am also currently reading Rees Howells Intercessor. This man is an example of one who emptied himself so utterly. In doing so, he made room for the Spirit of God to dwell in him and work through him in amazing ways. Once when a young Christian asked him how he knew God's voice, he said "Can't you tell your mother's voice from any other?...well I know His voice just like that." Jn 10:4 says as a shepherd, he walks before them and the sheep follow Him because they know His voice. Mt 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied"! More "food" for thought: Isa 55:1, Isa 55:2, Jn 4:14

Father, thank you for a desire to hear your voice. Thank you for giving me hunger for more of you! Help me to only take on what You want me to take on so there is room for being still before You. Help me to talk less and listen more when I'm with You. From the place of intimacy, give me the words that sustain the weary one (Isa 50:4). You are so good and I am so grateful for your grace and mercy in my life. In Jesus' name.

Use it ALL Lord

2010-04-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days…again. Hindsight, I can see it in the works the past few days. I will give you a glimpse of grief. There are many great things going on; God’s word is alive and I feel a draw to Him. Good things happening at the house of prayer and my house is getting closer and closer to being ready for us to move into. The last day or two, I start feeling unusually irritable and frustrated. I seem to have less patience for the kids and overall I feel sadness draped over me. THEN, I realize that Scott’s birthday is coming this week. It’s strange how there seems to be an internal indicator that sets in motion before I even seem recognize the cause and effect. I’m sure that part of not seeing it a little sooner is just being too busy and not getting before the Lord when I started feeling “out of sorts”. So last night I made the connection and by this morning I mostly just feel the sadness of it. It's probably been building for a while. It's especially difficult when Eliya asks questions about heaven and daddy.

Easter Sunday, there was someone playing Jesus at children’s church. Eliya has been told so many times that Daddy is with Jesus, that when she saw this guy, she fully expected to see Daddy too. I mentioned to her that his birthday was coming up and she asked if he would have a party at the park; followed by questions about if you get presents in heaven on your birthday, etc. I usually last about 90 seconds before I have to change the subject.

EVERY single time that the intensity comes like this, God shows Himself to be so tender. It’s just like how sensitive and sweet I want to be toward my children if one of them is hurt. If I, being a good parent, want to kiss my child’s boo boo when they hurt; how much more does a perfect heavenly Father want to make His presence and kiss known when I cry out to Him. I am so aware of how low and needy I am, and He comes near(James 4:8a). In the midst of pain, I love the “cuddling”. God loves to comfort those who mourn and to raise up those who are bowed down (Mt 5:4, Ps 145:14). I often tell the Lord to use every bit of what comes along with my circumstances. I don’t want any of it to be in vain. Use the grief to bring me to Your feet. Use the pain to make me like You. Use the tears to heal the deepest places in my soul. Use my life for Your kingdom and set my gaze on eternity. Let my precious husband’s life and death continue to bear fruit through my life and our children’s lives, In Jesus’ Name! (Jn 12:24)

Listen to this song that continues to speak to my soul: Come as Close as You Want

Selling our Birthright for Soup?!

2010-04-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I was very burdened for an old friend. This friend was willfully walking in sin and claiming the grace and blood of the Lord Jesus. I was literally thinking about and praying for this person almost daily and asking the Lord to expose truth and bring freedom.

One day I took a nap and I woke up and knew I had been praying for this person. I drifted back to sleep and woke up with the Lord saying this generation of the church is like Esau who sold his birthright to his brother for a bowl of soup. I hadn't even thought about Jacob and Esau or this story in such a long time I had to look it up to find it. Gen 25:29-34, Esau comes in from hunting and is famished and weary and Jacob has made stew. When he asks for some, his brother said first sell me your birthright. Esau says, if I'm about to die, then what good is my birthright to me and agrees to give his blessing, inheritance and leadership of the family over for bread and soup. The Lord tied this dream to my one friend who represents the MANY in the church who wilfully make the exception of sin (the passing pleasure) in their lives and believe that there is no contradiction in that and in following the Lord.
I also clearly felt like the Lord was saying these dear ones are selling their birthright, inheritance as an heir to the kingdom; for the passing pleasure of sin (bowl of soup). So fleeting that it literally only satisfies a short time. I haven't known exactly how to write about this because my own beliefs about doctrinal issues (once saved, always saved) have been shifting. I would hate for those whom the enemy attacks with doubting their salvation to believe this word to "confirm" what they already believed...that they can't be SURE of salvation. THIS I believe is for those who have hardened their hearts to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and have said to the Lord, I will follow you when it benefits me and is convenient...but in practice I will choose sin over holiness blatantly. Of course I sin. Anyone who thinks he is sinless is deceived. There is only ONE who will ever be sinless. It is ONLY through His making the way that any of us have any hope. God LOVES when in our weakness we are saying, "I am sinning, even stuck in sin, but the position of my heart is that I hate it and I want to be free". He knows our frame, our weakness. When my son runs to the potty and tries to go poopy without result only to go in his diaper 5 minutes later...that doesn't disappoint me! I'm thrilled that he really wants to try the potty and I know that he will be free of his diapers and that it's part of the training and maturing process that he will fail many many many many :) times before he figures it out. Nevertheless, I love him and I am so proud of him. God is so gracious...He is FULL of grace and love and mercy and tenderness and gentleness. If you hate your sin and struggle with assurance of salvation...this isn't aimed at you and you need to ask some prayer warriors around you to declare truth over you and help you get free from the lie of the enemy of your soul who is the father of lies.

This message is for the other group. I only want to be faithful to the Lord in what I feel He has spoken to me.

Hebrews 10:19-39 is a sobering passage and I think speaks to this very topic of willful disobedience. It begins by speaking to the brethren of the confidence we gain through the blood of Jesus and His sacrifice that brings forgiveness and freedom. It encourages the brethren to stimulate one another to love, good deeds, meeting together and encouraging one another...FOR vs. 26 "if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries. This message to the brethren, the church, believers says that ones who willfully go on sinning trample under foot the Son of God ad has regarded the blood of the covenant that sanctified him as unclean. Vs 31 says "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God".

I really believe that we are moving into a place where ones who have loved God in times past will have the fire in their hearts rekindled and will want to let go of every besetting sin and thing which hinders love. I believe that many who have really struggled with sin issues and hated it and haven't been able to get free will be freed in a moment! The Lord is so good and is setting so many free in the body of Christ right now. (LINK TO TESTIMONIES OF FREEDOM) When we get even a small revelation of the love of God and an understanding of the kingdom, we can begin to understand our birthright and inheritance is so much greater than the temporary thing we are clinging to now. Vs. 33 and 34 speak of a people who through tribulation and reproach they joyfully accepted the seizure of their property, knowing that they had a better possession and a lasting one.

Romans 6 talks about how we who have died to sin cannot still live in it. Rom 6:6 "knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; for he who has died is freed from sin."

We have got to pursue holiness. We have got to get free from everything that hinders love. There is a King who is worthy of a pure, spotless lamb. He will return for her. It will be difficult, but so so worth it. HE IS SO WORTH IT. There is nothing, no earthly pleasure that you can ever lay down that you will regret when you are in His presence. One of the gifts of what I have walked through in the past year after losing Scott was a more eternal perspective. This 70 year stint on Earth is a vapor compared to eternity and there is reward for faithfulness and for dying to your own desire and choosing obedience.

So to the one who is struggling in marriage and just biding your time....ENDURE and persevere until freedom comes. To the one who is playing with sexual immorality...BREAK every tie and agreement you have made with the enemy in justifying your sin...BE HOLY FOR HE IS HOLY. He is worthy of our pursuing Him. To the one with the constant ungodly desires...Set your mind on things above WHERE CHRIST IS SEATED. Cast down every thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ.

"let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Do Not Grow Weary!!! For the joy set before US we can and will endure. Jesus said He would return, and He will. In just a little while, He who is coming will come and will not delay! (Heb 10:37).

Lord, give me an understanding of the cross and what my freedom cost you. Help me know how you feel towards me (Eph 3:17-21). Give me an eternal perspective so I can walk in a manner worthy of You! (Mt 6:10, Mt 25:34) I know that if I see you the way David did (Ps 27:4), the way Mary did (Luke 10:42), the way John did (Jn 13:23) then I will have no difficulty giving up all for the One who is Love.

Listen to THIS SONG. He loved me til the end. It's like a battle song to keep your eyes and heart focused!

Pt. 2; A touch in the night

2010-03-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

In the previous blog I talked about how the Lord spoke to me about our altered view of reality in the church (myself included!) and how we "go through the motions" without even perceiving that we aren't in touch with reality. Directly after that experience of waking up three times, I laid back in the bed and turned on the ipod to listen to worship music while I went back to sleep. I haven't done this in a LONG time. I began to remember that the months after Scott passed away, I fell asleep EVERY night to these same songs. In my heart I began to really worship through remembering the goodness, faithfulness and tenderness of the Lord in my life. Suddenly, I was aware of the intense presence of the Lord.

I think the presence of the Holy Spirit had already been working and moving, but I just at that point became aware of it.

I had gone to IHOP Atlanta that Sunday morning. In every service, they have a time for praying for those who need healing. My hip had been achy and arthritic feeling for a few weeks. It wasn't a serious enough pain that I would go to the doctor, but had really been bothering me. During that prayer time, I raised my hand and those around me prayed for me. I didn't sense anything happen, but have been so encouraged recently to believe that something ALWAYS happens when we pray even if we can't measure it by our five senses.

That night, in the middle of the night, the Lord was manifesting His presence in such a gentle, sweet way. My hip was radiating as though it had icy-hot on it and it also felt like a low wattage current of electricity going through my leg. During this experience, there was such a peace and surge of love for the Lord. I felt overwhelmed that He would move on me in the secret moments of the night like this. After a while I wondered how long this had been going on and knew from the order of the songs on my play list that it had at least been 30 minutes. From a place of intense love and abandon for Jesus, I told Him in my heart that I would say or do anything He wants me to. It's funny to me that a real revelation of God and His love causes the heart to surrender more fully. As soon as those words came from my heart, I felt like they were a vow before the Lord.

Of course, the next day I began to think of the many prophets of the Old Testament who were told to do insane things, and who were obedient. I pray that I would be found faithful and obedient to the end. The Lord gave me a dream about 4-5 months ago and I haven't been able to shake it. I will let that be part 3 of these posts...as soon as I have time to get it out!

This song has so encouraged me recently. I love it and hope it causes the Spirit within you to make war with anything that hinders you from fully loving and surrendering to Jesus.

Click here: HE LOVED ME TO THE END

How long have we been asleep?

2010-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting experience Sunday night. It will likely take a few posts to share all of what happened but for now, I will share just part of it.

Sunday night I woke up in the middle of the night and really needed to use the restroom. I sat up in the bed, but was having trouble getting my eyes to actually open. I rubbed them a few times and realized how groggy I really was and how my vision was even not cooperating. I actually physically pryed one eye open trying to get myself to wake up more.

Then, I opened my eyes to find that I was still laying down had JUST now actually woken up. I lay there for a minute realizing that the whole first "waking up" was a dream and hadn't really happened. I lay there trying to will myself into action...because I really did have to go to the bathroom. I sat up and tried willing myself to get out of the bed. Unbelievably, I opened my eyes AGAIN to find that I was REALLY just NOW waking up. I had twice now believed myself to be awake and was in fact NOT awake.

I clearly heard the Lord say that this was a picture of His bride, the Church. Too often we are found going through the motions of religious duty that we are completely unaware of the fact that we are sleep walking. We've become so used to fulfilling our religious duty and in essence putting the smiley face sticker next to the task so we can feel good about our standing before God.

Sunday morning service... Check
15 minute devotional time... Check
Throw in some giving and patting ourselves on the back for not being as bad as someone else and we have fully found ourselves in the role of a Pharisee.

I knew immediately that this experience was the Lord speaking this to me because just a few weeks ago the same thing happened. I fully believed I was awake and woke to find I hadn't been awake at all. The next day I shared it with someone and as I heard the story come out of my mouth I asked the Lord if there was significance and almost immediately I felt like He was saying that was the experience of much of His bride.

In the beginning of Revelations 3: 1-3 A word is given to the church at Sardis: "I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have not found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; obey it, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you."

I got to share part of my heart and journey with some college girls this past weekend. The best part was getting in the Word and remembering the things the Lord has done in me. I shared with them that I have come to realize that the majority of my walk with the Lord has been sleep walking. Once the Holy Spirit illuminated the Word in my heart and I began to understand Mark 12:30; that the greatest commandment is to Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength... the second is loving others and the ministry that brings. We have a difficulty staying before Him long enough to become a lover...which is what He longs for. One of my favorite pastors, Mike Bickle, often says a lover will always out work a worker.

Romans 13:11 "Do this, knowing the time, that it is already the hour for you to awaken from sleep; for now salvation is nearer to us than when we first believed.

1 Peter 4:7 The end of all things is near; therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray.

Father, I pray that you'd give me a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of God. Let the eyes of my heart be enlightened. Remove the veil. Wake me up where I slumber and don't even know it. Let me see how you see. Keep my heart in love with You Lord.

He Delights in ME!

2010-01-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

I want to share one part of what the Lord did and spoke over me at the OneThing conference this past week. Let me start by saying, I don't share this because I particularly like having the deepest places of my heart visible for anyone to see. I lay my heart bare in hopes that it will lead others to the place of heart encounter with this amazing God who completely knows us and longs to give us understanding of how He feels towards us; not just a cognitive intellectual head knowledge, but an experiential heart knowledge that changes completely how we pursue this Lover of our souls.

With that said, the conference was great. Soon I hope to share more about how energized and excited I am about some of the things the Lord showed me. In the midst of awesome teaching and great worship times, I couldn't help but notice many, many fathers with their little children. Starting Wednesday afternoon, it seemed as though there wasn't a direction I could look without noticing them. A sense of sadness started settling in. By Wednesday night, I knew that where I was emotionally was so different than what was going on in the worship time at the conference. They had the prayer room going on site so I went over there to get in the Word and be still before the Lord. He gave me two verses while I was in there. Is 62:3-5 and Hos 2:19-20. These verses speak of no longer being called desolate and forsaken but being called "my delight is in her" and married. The Hosea verse says I will betroth you to Me forever and in faithfulness. I knew He was speaking, but my heart wasn't connecting. That night ended with that same sadness over me. The next day was similar in that all of these fathers were present with and loving on their babies. The absence in my life and my children's lives seem so much more present. At the night service they started singing You're faithful to the end, You're faithful to my heart, Won't you come and marry me. Although the Lord has been SO SO faithful and good, I felt an overwhelming need for Him to speak to my heart and touch my soul. I kept praying and asking Him to comfort me but I became overwhelmed and frustrated. I even asked someone to pray for me, but that only frustrated me more. I told her there was a heaviness in my heart and she interpreted it to be something it wasn't and although thankful for her prayer, I was done. I decided to head to the prayer room again, but this time (last session of conference) it had moved back to the IHOP missions base. So I went again into the service and had enough time away to let my emotions settle some. I decided since I didn't have any resolution in asking for Him to touch my heart, I would just start praying for others. I was praying for a little while and a man that I have met several times at different houses of prayer was coming through the crowd praying for people. I had kept an eye out for him earlier in the conference, but had not seen him at all until this last session of the four days. When I saw him, I knew that the Lord had sent him FOR ME. He saw me and made his way over and just started praying for me and speaking over my life. Within 8 seconds I was in hard and full weeping. Thankfully, there were so many people being touched in significant ways and with the worship loud, it was a little sanctuary for just me and the Lord. There was so much that he spoke over me that hit me to the core, but the one thing that left me undone was that the Father was giving me as a reward to Jesus. I was a gift from the Father to the Son. After this precious man had left I kept hearing that again and again in my spirit, I was a reward to the Son.

Lou Engle was one of the speakers there and he has such a tender heart for the Lord and people. I absolute love this man! I jokingly asked a friend of mine how old Lou's oldest son is insinuating that might be a way I could get into Lou's family (incidentally his oldest son is 22 :). Through that random comment from earlier, the Father spoke so tenderly into my heart. It was as though He said, what if Lou were choosing a bride for his son from thousands of women and he chose ME and said out of all of those who I would choose from for my son, I want YOU to be his bride; that would be a weak analogy because the Father has looked out among thousands and thousands and has seen me and chosen ME as a bride for His son, as a reward for Him! Words alone cannot communicate what the Spirit did in me through this revelation from the Father. Although this bridal identity is definitely a corporate one, at that moment in time, the Father was speaking to me and revealing His delight in me and desire for me. I remembered those verses from the night before and went straight to them.

Isaiah 62:3-4 "You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," and your land, "Married" For the Lord delights in you and to Him your land will be married...as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you."

Hosea 2:19-20 "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord."

The amazing thing about this last verse is that is doesn't just say marry you to me, but it says betroth. In betrothal, it very much has the idea that the father is the one choosing the bride for the son. As intimately and personally as I am chosen to know the Lord in this bridal identity, so is every believer. I very much believe that the Lord allowed my pain to rise to the surface and my desperation level to increase so that He could reveal His faithfulness to me, His delight in me, and a new level of His love for me. He is mindful of us, He cares for us, He sets His heart on US! Psalm 8:4, Psalm 144:3, Heb 2:6, Job 7:17ESV.

"Who am I, that You make so much of me, and set Your heart on Me??!"

P.S. Kirk- I already liked you a lot, but love that the Lord let it be you through the Spirit to breathe new life into my heart!

Thanks for your prayers!

2009-12-26T06:25:00.000-08:00

Without exaggeration, the morning after the last post I felt a major difference. It was as though the sandpaper rubbing against me was gone. I love it when nothing in circumstances change but the Holy Spirit moves in and the lens that I am viewing things comes into correct view. So, thank you for lifting me up. I knew I needed the help in prayer and IT WORKED.

I am going to OneThing this Monday through Thursday. I am really excited. I can't wait to be saturated in the Presence of the Lord, worshipping, praying and hearing great teaching for 4 days. With all of the moving and holiday distractions, it will be a welcomed dip in the river of life. You can also pray that the Lord would accomplish everything in me that He desires to in that time.

With it being December, and especially with having to go through so many things from moving that bring memories from life with Scott my heart has already been remembering this time last year. I obviously remember the intense pain of loss and the realization that how I pictured the rest of my life had suddenly become vague and would be drastically different forever. I also very strongly remember how it felt as though I was so enveloped in the Lord, with the comforter the Holy Spirit moving in a powerful way. I remember being so aware of the prayers of the body of Christ, that I felt as though I was literally being carried. In the midst of an already tender heart this season, I heard about another family that is now in the same situation I was in. Derek Loux was part of the leadership at IHOP in Kansas City. He was the director of the Forerunner School of Music in KC. He and his wife Renee have had a heart for adoption that led them to adopt many children. Renee is left with their 9 kids; 3 of which have special needs. I am asking the Lord to surround her and their children with the same grace that he did me last December and this past year. Not even knowing this family, it's still hard to imagine why the Lord would allow one who had such a heart for the orphan and the fatherless to be taken what would seem prematurely from the earth. In praying for them and asking this question, I really felt like the Lord said he was going to release the spirit of adoption through this man's life and death. Please take a minute to view their family blog and his vision for adopting many through the Josiah Fund. Consider giving to continue the spirit of adoption. Not everyone can practically adopt, but we are all called to care for the orphan... here's one practical way. www.louxfamilyblog.com

Please pray for this family.

My next post will be after OneThing! I'm going with great anticipation!

SOS!!! Here's my distress call!

2009-12-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

I might be slightly over-dramatic with the SOS. BUT, I have been insanely busy. Can't lie, I actually contemplated where I might find some Prozac to crush into my coffee! :) I feel like I have been so stressed and overloaded. I need to be out of my house in 2 weeks, where I am moving has had some major issues, so what started out as small remodeling has truly turned into gutting most of the house (if you have skills with electricity or plumbing and want to help, I won't refuse :).

So, the house will likely not be ready when I need to be out which means suitcase living for a while WITH TWO TODDLERS! If that weren't already enough, I also have been planning for months to go to a conference in Kansas City, MO for four days. So I have to get through packing, the holidays, a conference (which will be an oasis to my soul!) and moving all in two weeks. In the midst of so much to do and so much going on, I haven't been getting enough sleep and I haven't been spending enough time with the Lord. I also have been having to go through all of our personal stuff with loads of memories attached. I think my grief has also turned into stress at this point and I'm so spent.

I'm posting this with a HUGE prayer request. Please pray for me that my eyes would stay set on Him. I know this will all be over in a short while, but right now I am so overwhelmed. Pray against attack from the enemy and protection for my kids. Our schedule chaos has to be hard for them too.

The REALLY amazing thing to me is how much and obviously it affects me when I haven't spent time letting my heart gaze on the One who loves me and holds all things in His hand. I love that even in my totally stressed mode, I am so aware that the ONE THING that I really need is to spend some time with Jesus. The thing that so shocks me now is that for many, many years the majority of my Christian experience was void of sitting at His feet and really getting in the Word. I love that I miss the kiss of the Word on my soul.

Thanks for praying!

2009 in Review

2009-12-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

We’ve been through much in the past year and by the grace of God and the prayers of believers we survived. Honestly, in some ways, we even thrived. I know that isn’t the norm for most in our circumstances to say…it has truly been grace upon grace for us.

Eliya just celebrated her 3rd birthday last month. She is a ‘big girl’ now and doesn’t understand why her new status doesn’t entitle her to drive & drink coffee ;) Simeon is almost 20 months old. He is sweet, snuggly and fun. He’s starting to show more independence; which is bittersweet for Momma. I am very thankful for them. They have kept me very busy and distracted. Diapers still have to be changed and kids fed; even if there is a hard day. One of many verses this past year that has sustained my life has been Psalm 73:25, 26,28a. It says “Whom have I in heaven but You, and besides You on the earth I desire nothing. My heart and my flesh may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. As for me, the nearness of God is my good.”

There are some new things since this time last year. Scott and I were part of a house of prayer getting started. He never got to come as our “open” date was set for the day he passed away. A couple of us have pressed through though and it has been the biggest blessing. Personally, to have a place set apart for worship, intercession and dwelling in the presence of God has truly been a healing balm to my soul. Also, I believe that it is God’s will and our destiny to partner with Him in intercession and we’ve been crying out for salvation and freedom for our region. I had been teaching English as a second language to adults, and loved doing that, but God clearly was calling me to the house of prayer. Now I am at the house of prayer in place of the hours I had been working part-time. God has faithfully been providing for our needs and showing Himself to be a Husband and a Father. One of the many ways He has been faithful is that I was having some roadblocks in trying to refinance the house I am in and in the meantime the renter of a house we own in the next city over moved out. That mortgage is less so I wondered if that was the Lord’s leading and setting that up. I prayed and called the realtor. I told her I could only afford to wait 60 days to see if this house would sell (because I’d have the other mortgage too) and we listed it. Day 6 on the market a guy came to see it and wanted it. Now it is a little over 3 weeks in and we signed the deal this week and we’ll be moving the first week of January!

Between the house of prayer, kids…and now packing to move; I stay pretty busy.
Thank you for your love, support and prayers over this past year. The hands and feet of Jesus have been evident in innumerable and unimaginable ways this past year.
Grace and peace to you!

Love, Jennifer, Eliya and Simeon Mason

One Year

2009-12-04T05:31:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying I can't think of a time I have ever been filled with so many opposing emotions. I hate that the one year mark is a looming, black date that reminds you every time you look at the calendar. In some ways I wish that I lived in the middle of the jungle somewhere where time is only measured in seasons. Obviously, that's not the case. It came and went and in some ways I'm glad to be past December 2nd.

The great conflict in emotions is the battle between the flesh and the spirit. My heart is greatly saddened as I remember the sweet, gentle, loving, funny man I committed my life to. The other side of the bed being empty every night and watching my daughter when she hears another child talk about their daddy are sharp reminders. The conflict comes when I think about how awesome and incredible it is for Scott to be in the presence of God, of love, the fullness of His presence, the fullness of joy. There is absence of pain, absence of striving. It's a little like hide-and-seek when you find the prize. Scott found a measure of all of this in part on earth, but now he knows as he is fully known. There aren't even human words to describe the glory of God and on this side of eternity we can't begin to comprehend what it's like for us to be in the fullness of the Presence of God. The same presence that the four living creatures in Revelation 4:8 do not cease day and night saying, "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord God, The Almighty who was and is and is to come." Such glory, beauty and holiness that for eternity they never tire of looking at Him and discovering the depths of The Creator, the uncreated One.

When I set my heart and mind on THIS God, and THIS reality for Scott. I'm not sad, a little jealous, but not sad. There are still difficult things that his absence leaves; emotionally empty places that I have to continue to look to the Lord for, praying with everything in me that I will be able to be what my kids need and point them to God who is a father to the fatherless, decisions that I have to make about day to day life. I continue to lean on Jesus. I know He is true, He is right, His word endures forever. He is unchanging. His promises are good. He is a husband, a father, a savior, a friend. All of my hope is in Him.
( Ps 19:9, 1Pet 1:25, Heb 13:8, Heb 10:23, Isa 54:5, Ps 68:5, Isa 43:11, Rom 15:13)

So, even though this time is bittersweet and accompanied with pain and tears, I am remembering the best parts of Scott and our life together and will keep my eyes on Jesus, the one who started and perfects my faith.

"How is it REALLY?"

2009-11-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

I got to go to a house concert tonight to hear two of my favorite people play. Karla Adolphe and Eric Kilgore. Eric is local and it was at his house. They shared some of their songs and hearts with about 20 of us there. Karla and her husband Gary said they have been asking that question a lot. The question is, how is it really. How is it through Kingdom mind and Jesus' eyes? Eric shared a little about when Lazarus was sick and and his sisters, Martha and Mary, sent word to Jesus that the one that He loved was sick. Jesus said that the sickness would not end in death. Well, the story in John 11: 1-44, tells us that Jesus remained where He was for 2 more days and Larazus DID die. Jesus went to Bethany and it says that when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet Him, but Mary stayed at home. I literally feel sadness and pain in this story as I wonder what was going on in her mind and heart that she knew Jesus was coming and chose to stay behind. Verse 2 of this story says THIS Mary was the same one who poured perfume on His feet and wiped it with her hair. She had a history with the Lord and in this hour of crisis and need, maybe she was offended at the Lord. Maybe she was angry. Maybe the pain seemed too great to even be in the presence of the One who knew everything about her. Maybe she was disappointed because her circumstances didn't turn out the way that she thought they would.

In the natural, it seemed as though Jesus had let her down, broken His promise and maybe not even cared enough to respond sooner. Her anguish is evident in that when He called for her (Jn 11:28) she went to Him and fell at His feet and said if He had been there her brother wouldn't have died. Jesus was a real man with real emotions. Jesus wept at their pain from loss. Those watching said, "see how He loved him!" Others watching the same events said could this one who opened blind eyes not keep this man from dying. With the "How is it really" question in mind and the end of the story laid out for us... we know that Jesus didn't break any of His promises. After four days of being in the tomb, Lazarus rose from the dead at the command of Jesus.

In my life and in my circumstance I am learning to lean heavily on how is it really. That specific way of stating the question is new to me, but not the concept. I have to REJECT the notion that I have to be able to use my five senses to believe in a God that I cannot see who sent a man that I have never met to die for me and pay for the wickedness of my own heart. It takes FAITH. Without faith it is impossible to please God. There have been many things in life that haven't gone the way I thought they would. I intentionally set my heart to the eternal and not just the part that is staring me in the face all day every day and assaulting my senses. I choose to believe that God's word is supreme over any of my own thoughts or emotions concerning any topic. God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Heb 13:8). God is not man that He should lie (Num 23:19). His Word is the measuring stick. His Spirit leads us into all truth. By God's grace, no matter what I walk through in this life, I will do it all the while with Jesus, staring at His face or lying at His feet, whatever I have to do just as long as it's with Him. I think it is so tempting or easy when we don't understand how to walk through pain with the Lord, to just shut it off and close that door. I don't know all the reasons why God didn't heal Scott... I know that He is able to do anything. I don't know why many other believers have to walk through painful experiences and loss. There are even those verses that seem to promise long life and goodness and it's hard to understand sometimes when our circumstances don't measure up how we think they should.

If you are one who loves the Lord I just want you to ponder two encouragements, RUN TO HIM NOT AWAY FROM HIM. Let the Word and the Spirit be your Counsel. The Lord is good, He is loving in all His ways and kind in all of His deeds. He loves you. Your pain is not unnoticed by Him. He is the only one who can heal your heart. Search your heart and ask Him to reveal any offence at Him or incorrect view of who He is. Secondly, THIS IS MOMENTARY. This life is like a vapor. Here today and gone tomorrow. THAT is hope for the hurting. The physical tells me that my husband is dead and I'll never see Him again... this is reality, final and there is no hope. But the Word says that absent from the body means present with the Lord and there is life after death for those who are His. That means that Scott has only preceded me and his children to the presence of God in seconds. We already planned on that destination together, he just arrived a little earlier than I expected but I'm only 5 minutes behind. We're all only minutes behind in view of eternity. So I will walk different, I will live different, I will think different, I will see different. When my mind is assaulted with the logic of the physical realm... I will ask the Lord, How is it really?!

Major Oil Change

2009-11-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I can even adequately communicate what the Lord did today, but I will try. Today was very exciting. We expanded the House of Prayer hours and are now open from 9am to 9pm (12 WHOLE HOURS!) on Thursdays. It is so encouraging and exciting to have made such a big step forward. We are now "keeping the fire on the alter" for 15 hours a week! So this morning I woke up so excited about today. I have scheduled to be at The Well from 11-4. Within minutes of being there, the Lord suddenly began stirring my heart. I hadn't been emotional at all, and in His presence became weepy and wanted to confess sin. Literally, my Bible opened to Psalm 73 and I saw a verse I have thought of so many times, v25 "Whom have I in heaven but You, and besides You on the earth I desire nothing". It is a comfort and a challenge all in one. I HAVE Him, but I want to desire nothing but Him on this earth. He was already working in me. After maybe half an hour though, I looked at my watch and thought, "now what?". My mind was sort of reeling through all the things I needed to do, and the first thing was that oil change I had forgotten about several times in the past couple of weeks. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget, but hopefully not be distracted by it. It was just about then that the Lord said, "you are in for two oil changes today!". So I started thinking about oil changes :) It is extremely important to the life of the engine and it's purpose is to flush out of the impurities that collect in the oil and replace it with fresh, life giving, life sustaining oil.

My mind started going to all of the biblical oil references I've heard over the years. I thought about Jesus having the oil of joy (Ps 45:7). I thought about the 10 virgins and their lamps (Mt 25: 1-13). I also thought about what it represents and how it was used. Oil was an expensive commodity in ancient days, it was used for cooking, medicine, cosmetic and as a lubricant among other things. It was used to anoint someone, to represent the Holy Spirit. It was also used to anoint things (Gen 28:18). Because of it's cost, when it was poured over something, it showed that thing was valued. When the Lord reveals His love and pours it out over me, over us... He is showing how valued we are. He anoints us with His presence and with His love. When we sit before Him and love Him in return, pouring out what little we have; we are reciprocating that love and saying YOU ARE VALUED MORE THAN ANYTHING, MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE!

This alone was great today. I felt like there was (and still is) more that I need to understand that the Lord is trying to say about oil. A couple of hours after I had been pondering the oil, a friend brought me something someone had given her. It was an encouragement for the House of Prayer, but the Lord so pierced me to the heart. It was about the widow in 2 Kings 4:1-7. She was widowed and in great need (her sons were soon to become slaves to pay off debt). She cried out to Elisha (a prophet) for help and he asked what she had in her house. She said "nothing at all...except a little oil". What she had was seemingly insignificant to her, but his instructions were to collect as many jars from neighbors as she could and to close the door behind her and pour her small quantity of oil until all of the jars were filled. Her small quantity of oil continued to pour out until she ran out of jars to pour it into. The sale of this oil paid her debts and supplied her needs. While I recognize this is a great word for our house of prayer (supply, anointing, etc.), personally this meant so much. Many have said oil also represents intimacy with the Lord. The house of prayer journey began just before Scott passed away. I have entered into this very needy and broken without much to offer the Lord or anyone else. I came to His feet again and again because of great need and knowing He is the only one who can do anything for me. I identify very much with the widow in saying, "I have nothing at all... just a little oil". Oh the promise IS that as we pour our oil out before the Lord that it will multiply and fill many, many jars. Psalm 34:10 says The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Oil is so important. We have to cultivate the oil of intimacy. We have to value the Lord enough to pour ourselves out in worship, devotion and prayer. It is NOT one sided. We are so valued by the Lord. He, who is UNcreated, Created because of love. He is spoken of as a husband and a father many times in the Bible, because we who are truly His, are in relationship with Him. I go to the prayer room with the intent to pour out all of my oil, and I end up coming home with more jars than I can carry! It's beautiful and wonderful to be in His presence and have Him fill you with fresh oil! I need more oil changes like today. Instead of every so many miles, it has to happen every so many hours!

If you're wondering if I got that oil change in the natural (b/c it def. happened in the supernatural), I did. The guy told me about a new synthetic oil that doesn't break down and lasts for 15,000 miles. When he asked me if I wanted to try that kind, I was definitely over enthusiastic and said YES, I'LL TAKE IT!!! I thought about trying to explain my excitement about the better than synthetic oil I received from the Lord, but he was really busy ;)

"Lord, flush us and give us fresh oil today and every day! You are so good. Reveal the true character, nature and love of God to us so we can rightly value that time with You. Draw us to Yourself, let us cultivate the oil of intimacy as we offer so little to You...You continue to multiply what we bring as You give us more of Yourself. Thank you Jesus!!"

The beauty of dying leaves.

2009-10-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

God is downloading so many thoughts these last few days/weeks that I feel like I am struggling to keep up. I love it. The biggest thing is that I have a real burden for the lost, I have been asking God for salvation in this region a lot. I have also been confronted with the immeasurable, unsearchable vastness that God is, and my small vision of Him. I am longing for a faith in action, a life of abandoned surrender to God in all of these things. With each revelation of the Word, each new conviction, burden, and vision... He is asking for more of me. He is answering prayers! I am saying MORE Lord, and He responds with asking that I lay my life (comforts, time, finances, dreams/goals etc) down more and more, with the promise of more of Him. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but for a short post, I wanted to say that today when I was seeing all of the beautiful fall colors I thought, it's so God to make the leaves the most beautiful as they are dying. When we lay our lives down for Him, His Kingdom, His purpose, His glory, His people... that's when He is the most beautiful IN us... as we are dying.

Lord, let Your splendor and majesty be on display in my life as I learn what it is to lay it down. "He is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him." (John Piper)... and He is all satisfying!

John 12:24-26 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him."

2 Cor 4:10 "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

You will be My witnesses!

2009-10-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

My world is being rocked right now! Peter- "Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; and that He may send Jesus, The Christ appointed for you, whom heaven must receive until the period of restoration of all things." (Acts 3:19-21) NOW LORD, GRANT THAT YOUR SERVANTS MAY SPEAK YOUR WORD WITH BOLDNESS!

In Acts 2 Peter declared who Jesus is, His death and resurrection. His position exalted to the right hand of God, the promise of the Holy Spirit... That God made Jesus both Lord and Christ. When the people heard this testimony of Jesus, THEY WERE PIERCED TO THE HEART! 3,000 were saved for ETERNITY. I am so pierced to the heart right now. I believe there is an eternity. Life for those who follow Jesus, and death (in hell) for those who don't. The gap between my "beliefs" and my actions HAS to close. If I want to love like Jesus, I will pray, look and ask Him for opportunities to make HIM known.

I will believe that in my weakness and with weak words that He will make Himself known. I believe that the Holy Spirit can use me to pierce people to the heart and change the course of their present life and their eternal destiny. LORD GIVE ME ONE TODAY... One that I can share who you are that does not know You. One today, one tomorrow, one the next day. Even if I do this 100 times before someone believes and is changed... it will be worth it. I lay down my life, my reputation, fear of the opinion of man, because You are worth it! Give me REAL compassion and love for the lost. The example that I've heard before is if a house is burning down and the people inside are sleeping, wouldn't you wake them?? Who would say, well, it's their choice, I don't want to meddle. Thank You Jesus that in 1996, someone meddled in MY life and it led to my salvation.

If you do follow the Lord and know you "should" believe in heaven and hell but feel apathy towards the lost... begin by asking Him for passion and compassion for the lost. Ask Him for a revelation of what we have been saved from and Who we have been saved to; Jesus Christ (and the Love of God, peace which passes understanding, a new nature, new heart, new mind, purpose, LIFE... to name a few). Get in the Word until it transforms You. We must renew our minds and hearts until they come in line with the Word. I'm excited about the Word being more alive in me today than yesterday.

Pray for me as I try to keep up with what He is burning in my heart. I don't want to be just a hearer or the Word but a doer!

Things are about to get crazy... and I think I like it!

Pressing In

2009-10-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

UGH! That is the word to sum up the present battle. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I really feel like I am on the verge of break through in some significant ways. The Creator of my soul is calling and inviting me into something real, yet unknown. There are moments that I feel like I am on the edge of the cliff (exhilarated and abandoned to Him)... and then there are days, like today, where it's as though there is a dull lethargy over my entire being. On days like today, I feel like prayer, worshipping and getting in the Word feel more like walking through quicksand than abiding.

I really want the "more". The secret place in God that although available to all that are His, few press into that place and seek unto the finding. I will resist complacency. Even though I fail repetitively, I will not grow weary of the pursuit; because the One I pursue, never grows weary of my failing. His delights in the chase and He loves me in my weakness. How awesome is Your kindness and Your unfailing love.

So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth. Leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. (Hosea 6:3, Hebrews 6:1, Philippians 3:12)

There is a Misty Edwards song (Always on His Mind) that has a bridge that says, "How far will you let me go? How abandoned will you let me be?" I recently felt like God was challenging, even provoking me, "How much is enough, how little of Me are you willing to settle for? How long will you ask, seek and knock? How small is your vision of how deep you can go?" A few days later I heard that part of that song and so felt like those were the perfect words to communicate a response to Him. How far will You let me go and how abandoned will You let me be?!

He gives me 4 ounces more of Himself, but increases my appetite to 12 ounces. Then He gives me 8 ounces... and increases my capacity to 20 ounces. With increased revelation of Jesus, the desire for more and the discontent with things the way they have always been happens simultaneously.

Shake off Lethargy, Refuse Complacency, and Let's Press In!

He Restores

2009-09-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have found myself thinking about Scott a lot lately. I expect to miss him more around some significant dates or events, but this time... I just miss him. Seriously, sauteing vegetables made me think of him and opened a floodgate? When I put things like this out there for anyone to see, I feel slightly vulnerable. I keep thinking of how interested, especially in the beginning, I was of how other people in my circumstances were at different stages in their grief journey. I guess I felt like it could be a map to show where some had gone, or to validate where I was or how I felt. Although grief is completely different for every person, I still write with the hope that someone who IS in my circumstances will benefit. My biggest hope is that they would be encouraged to lean into the Lord and not away from Him.

With these images and memories playing in my mind more these last few days; it is a mixed blessing. It exposes the wound, but surely brings healing to a certain degree too. Although there is pain, I know joy comes in the morning. When I call out to Him, He responds. When I cry, He collects my tears. When my heart is broken, He is the balm that heals. So Lord, I thank You for the mixed blessings of pain that accompanies sweet memories, because in it, I find You everywhere I look. I believe He makes all things work together for my good. I know He heals and restores.

I can't help but think that this song posted below is so appropriate for so many. We often walk around with wounded hearts that are heavy with disappointment. Many times in my life before this, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Now that I am not in a position to run to something else to distract and temporarily fill, I find Him restoring. I pray that if there are any areas in your life that you have been diligently protecting from God and yourself, that they would be revealed. Those things that pain your heart when you think of them, but seem best just left alone. I really think everytime I hear this song, He restores just a little more and He heals just a little deeper. I hope it's the same for you.

This song is called Restoration. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LcyQOLVS_U

I can't help but love Him

2009-09-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

I was blessed to go to a College of Prayer module this weekend. I just love their hearts for equipping and discipling leaders in the U.S. and abroad. I stayed with a girl who happened to be house-sitting, so I didn’t actually meet the couple whose house I stayed in. On the wall in the den, the wife had this thing made to honor her husband for their 29th wedding anniversary. It was so sweet. It went from when they met and how they had grown together through life. She honored him for how he fathered their children, how he ministered faithfully to the Lord. She told him how much she enjoyed him and how that only increased as the years progressed. I just thought it was so overwhelmingly incredible that they had such a long and wonderful legacy together. At the end, she signed it “the girl in the blue sweater”. I imagined that is how he remembered her from their first encounter. In the middle of deep and genuine appreciation for their love and legacy, I couldn’t help but feel that pang of sadness over my own love story having been shortened. Not even 30 seconds after this pang in my heart came, the Holy Spirit spoke over me.

“I have been writing our love story since before you were a formed substance in your mother’s womb. Even then, I knew you. I have loved you and have drawn you in with my love. I am your beloved and my thoughts toward you are many and immeasurable…they outnumber the sand.”

I love how He is so tender and gentle with me. A friend and I were recently talking and she, like many of my friends, is amazing, godly, beautiful …and single. She told me that she was asking the Lord if He had forgotten her as many of her friends and family have moved into the wife and mother roles. She and I have both read “The Pursuit of God” many times and she reminded me of a beautiful part of that book.

“When the Lord divided Canaan among the tribes of Israel Levi received no share of the land. God said to him simply, ‘I am thy part and thine inheritance,’ and by those words made him richer than all his brethren… and there is a spiritual principle here, a principle still valid for every priest of the Most High God”.

He really is our portion and inheritance. How beautiful and blessed am I (are we) that the creator God of the universe goes through such great lengths to communicate His love. Not only that He loves me, but He is passionate about me. His love for me is as strong as death! He is jealous for me.

In moments like these, where He speaks into the depths of my heart; I can’t help but love Him and want more of Him. He continually increases my desire so that He can fill it to capacity and then make it a little bigger. I love this prayer from Tozer: “Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more… I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed.”

Therefore I have hope

2009-09-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Last night at The Well (the house of prayer I have the privilege to be a part of) there was a strong sense of intimacy and intercession. Oh the pleasure of the Lord over us, as we weakly cried out for more of Him, was so evident. I left so full, knowing I had feasted on the very presence of the Lord. I woke this morning with a great wave of discouragement over me. Some of the emotions and insecurities that widowhood/singleness bring were assaulting me. It was frustrating because I recognized it as an attack from the enemy. Those aren’t valid insecurities. Most insecurity is rooted in fear and perfect love casts out all fear. I know the One who is Love Himself. There were a few hours of that frustrated, not yet free of it, crying out to the Lord and trying to talk myself out of, or through the muck, but I wasn’t terribly successful.
I love that there are REAL examples of people who struggled in the Bible. It’s crazy to me that I can go from feeling so completely full and content in the Lord, to an onslaught that threatens to bring me down in less than 24 hours. In that, nothing of the Lord changed, only my emotions did. IHOP Atlanta’s Billy Humphrey recently did two sermons on Healing the Soul (GREAT and free on iTunes). He mentioned a few of these examples of godly people (a prophet, a king, and the worship leader in the Tabernacle of David) who really hit lows and how they leaned into the Lord to get themselves out of the pit.

One of my favorites of these examples was Jeremiah. For 25 years he prophesied the destruction of their homeland and that they would be taken into captivity and in Lamentations he finds himself in the ruins of the city. Seeing his prophecy fulfilled and in this state of extreme sadness, he says of God He has broken my bones and walled me in. He shuts out my prayers. He’s like a bear waiting to attack me. He bent His bow and has made me the target. My soul has been rejected, my strength has perished and so has my hope from the Lord. If that isn’t a clear picture of how discouraged we can become! I have often thought that the enemy’s usual method of attack on me is to help me forget the truth of who God is and what He has done in my life. I begin to think, does God hear me at all, does He see?… does He torture me for fun? It’s crazy, but in the moment and with the aid of the enemy of my soul who roams around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour whispering the lies into my soul, this is what happens.
Jeremiah then says in Lamentations 3:20-24 “Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to m mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion’ says my soul, ‘Therefore, I have hope in Him.’”
I know that after Scott passed away, my one great source of strength and encouragement was that God had not changed. He was the same the day before the accident and He would forever be the same. He was still loving and good. I have learned that my emotions are SO unreliable. The Word of the Lord endures forever though. Knowing the tactic of the enemy, I was able to get away for a little bit today and get in the Word. I heard a Hillsong song that has been in my iPod for months now, but I hadn’t really listened to it before. Here are part of the lyrics:

I have nothing more than all You offer me

There is nothing else that’s of worth to me

And I love You Lord

You rescued me

You are all that I want

You’re all that I need

Those words so worked in me that reminder; that He is good and He is everything that I want and need. I have mentioned this verse a few times before, but it is one of my favorites and is powerful. Psalm 73:25-26 “Whom have I in heaven but You and besides You on the earth I desire nothing, my flesh and my heart may fail, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” I think to some, this might be a depressing verse, but for me it is the prayer of my life. No matter what circumstances I am in, I want to desire Him above all else and realize that He is my everything. Job 13:15 says though He slay me, yet I will trust Him. When I am in the Spirit, I can trust Him completely! I have learned to recognize more quickly what is happening and what I need to do to get out of it. Today, where the enemy attempted to weaken me, the Lord has so strengthened me. “Therefore I have hope, Great is Your faithfulness!”

I Want to See God!

2009-09-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

This morning Eliya said, “Mama, why do you do this” and she closed her eyes and scrunched up her face. I asked her what in the world she was talking about. She said the same thing (which is normal, when I don’t understand what she means, she repeats it in the exact same way which normally isn't very helpful), “Mama, why do you do this” and again closed her eyes and scrunched her face. I then realized that I had been singing a song and apparently made a contorted face! I started laughing, of course, but I thought this is a great opportunity for teaching. I asked her if she could see God. She gave me a blank stare, so I said “where is Jesus, can you see Him with your eyes?” she pointed to my heart. I was pierced with both the amazing amount of spiritual insight a child less than 3 can have, and also the weight of how I walk out my faith before my child.

I have been pondering this topic of purity and holiness recently. Matthew 5:8 says “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God”. I was thinking about Moses of which was said, “the LORD used to speak to Moses face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend”. When Moses cried out to see the glory of the Lord, the Lord answered Him and permitted it (Ex 33). I have really been putting myself in the place of pursuit after God. I have found more of Him, but I know there is infinitely more to find. I love this from the book The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer "All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to an end of the sweet things that might be said of Him. Eternity will not be long enough to learn all He is, or to praise Him for all He has done, but then, that matters not; for we shall be always with Him and we shall desire nothing more.” not; for we shall be always with Him, and we desire nothing more." -Tozer, The Pursuit of God

In my asking the Lord to reveal more of Himself to me, He has responded by calling me to holiness. I was pretty convicted about entertaining myself by watching things with characters whose story lines show sin as acceptable and good. I compare what I set before my eyes by how bad it is compared to other shows, movies etc., or even worse, I justify it because it only alludes to sexual immorality, etc. I recently heard someone say “how can we cry out in prayer against injustice and sin and ask the Lord to purify His bride when we are make these exceptions and are entertaining ourselves with sin?” I started studying holiness and there are so many verses on the topic! It’s important to Jesus. He wants a mature bride. When I thought of the specific show that I love so much, I really didn’t want to give it up. The struggle with this in the flesh made me sick. It showed how much I love the world. Don’t get me wrong, this issue wasn’t solely about the show… it was about obedience and desiring Him above passing pleasures. I couldn’t believe my hesitancy and struggle; more of Jesus or a few laughs that won’t ever bear fruit? Oh but the rewards to obedience are intimacy. Paul said to the Ephesians that we (the church, His bride) should be holy and blameless before Him in love; so that the church would be without spot or wrinkle. This morning I woke up and read again Matthew 5:8 the pure in heart shall see God. The Lord then gave me Psalm 24: 3-5 “Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? And who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his should to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully. He shall receive a blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation.” This pursuit of holiness has to be rooted in and motivated by love or else it becomes Pharisaical legalism. I am so convinced that there is nothing He could ask me to lay down that I would miss when I am in His presence. I have set my gaze on the face of Jesus and fully intend to be one of those He calls His friend. Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord (Heb 12:14).

I love this song called "I Will Waste My Life" by Misty Edwards Here is the Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUSIcgRlHk0

He has stolen my heart

2009-09-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

Actually, he's had it since before he was born. I love this little man. He is 99% of my tangible affection. Oh, it's so true about baby boys and their Mamas. I already mourn the day he doesn't want to sit and snuggle.

Today he took my hand and was very intent on leading me to the living room. He took me over to a chair where he climbed up and then reached his arms out for me. So I got in the chair too and he put his hand in my hair, just to hold onto it. It took me a second to realize that he really did bring me all the way to that chair so we could just sit together and be near. Does it get any better than that??!?

Even tonight as I went to lay him down, he just rested his head on my chest and played with my hair. It was then that the Holy Spirit revealed, again, the heart of the Father. As I realized what He was revealing to me through that picture, I held Simeon a little longer and cried at the goodness of the Lord! Those times when we feel the draw to spend time with Him and be in His presence are such a gift. It's as though He takes us by the hand and leads us to that quiet place where it's just the two of us. In this place, communion happens and our hearts are knit together in love. He hasn't stolen my heart, because I gave it to Him. The more I know Him, the more irresistible He becomes.

Last week was really incredible. There were about four mornings that I woke up and literally the first thing in my mind would be, I love you Jesus. Not just the words, but the emotions welling up and overflowing. I knew He had been singing over me in the night. There was one night that I was being drawn. I knew I needed time with Him and was longing for it. I ended up spending an hour online and afterward I was tired. I read a chapter of a book and went to sleep. That next morning I woke up and it was different. I realized that I hadn't cultivated that intimacy and it was markedly different. I pray that I never get too busy or upside down in my priorities to sit, love and be loved... by God or by my children.

Jeremiah 31:3 The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."

Song of Solomon 8: 6-7 "Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as the grave; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, Nor will rivers overflow it"

This video was the morning I saw Simeon after returning from 12 days in Costa Rica.

He SPEAKS!!

2009-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

I love the Lord because He hears... but man do I love it when He speaks! I want to share some of the ways He has been speaking recently. I previously wrote about my time in Costa Rica. I loved it and it stirred several things in me; callings, desires, etc. It was a great trip on a number of levels, but returning home was difficult. I definitely struggled with contentment for a couple of weeks. I KNOW that I am where I am supposed to be for this season. God clearly called me into the place of prayer; more specifically the House of Prayer. I know my God given giftings and desires are in evangelism, cross-cultural ministry... and I'm an extrovert, so spending a separated season with prayer as my "occupation" is NOT naturally fulfilling. I love the intimacy gained from it, but what about those other desires, gifts and callings!?!

I went to IHOP Atlanta the week after I got back from Costa Rica, specifically asking God to renew and reaffirm MY calling to it. He's so patient and gentle. He has done this multiple times now in the past 6 months (even once IN Costa Rica). I will give you the quick(er) version. Fri. I read a blog about how God is inviting people into the grace to walk out the Anna lifestyle of fastings and prayer. Then Sunday at IHOP they were talking about the grace, call, and invitation to walk in the Anna lifestyle. My middle name is Ann, which happens to mean "full of grace". Monday I was organizing around the computer and found a letter a friend had sent a few weeks before CR. She copied Luke chapter 2 (about Anna the prophetess) and a commentary from it and wrote, I hope this clarifies and gives direction to your calling. How encouraging is it that He goes through such great lengths to speak and confirm.

The other night, after not having been in the Word all day, I wanted to read for a few minutes. I remembered liking something in Psalm 105 so I went there. Verses 3 and 4 really stood out to me the day before that, so I read. "Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad. Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually." I was asking and looking for where I needed to settle to read and I had a paper in my Bible at 1 Chronicles 16. It said A Tent for the Ark. I read where David appointed some Levites as ministers before the ark of the Lord (Levites were the worshippers and intercessors that ministered before the Lord... much of the house of prayer vision is based on the call like the Levites to be in the place of worship and intercession.) So, the leaders then give thanks to the Lord through a song... verse 10 and 11... "Glory in His holy name; Let the heart f those who seek the Lord be glad. Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually." I couldn't believe it! THAT is what He wants me to see, know, settle on, and walk out.

I'll end with this last one. Today is my birthday. Really not a bad day. Yesterday had some rough parts emotionally though. I got home and had a few cards in the mail. One was from Scott's sister and there was a verse in the card; Acts 2: 28. I love verses 25-28... but especially what was quoted. "You will make me full of gladness with Your presence." Such a reassurance that He alone satisfies our every desire and longing with Himself. Another card was from my brother's kids. Each one drew or colored for me. The oldest is 5 and she wrote out a Bible verse for me. Oh I love the Lord because He speaks! She wrote out Psalm 16:11... "You will make me full of gladness with Your presence."!!! That's where I lost it and was so overwhelmed that God is going to such great lengths to lead me into the fullness of joy in His presence and wooing me to seek His face continually.

In and through all of this, God has really helped me regain being content. The problem all along was being overly focused on ME!! There was a really awesome place of surrender I found myself at in 2005. I told the Lord it was no longer about my call to the mission field and my giftings and desires, but about HIM. So again, I have found that realizing the big picture is not about me at all... it's all about Him. If it is about me even in the slightest, it's so that I can decrease and He can increase. If He is most glorified through my life for me to sit before Him in the place of worship and intercession... YES. If it is my being used as His instrument on a mission field... OK. My "callings and giftings" are only as useful my intimacy to Him and my desire for "His kingdom come, His will be done!" This brings liberation and CONTENTMENT!

Psalm 16: 8,9a,11
"I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

He Hears

2009-08-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

I find it amazing how I wake up from a DEEP sleep by the smallest cry from one of my children. That was the case last night. We have sound machines that we sleep to that play the ocean or rain. I had mine on, and there was one on in the kids room too. At 3:30 am I was suddenly awake. I turned off the "rain" and listened intently. I heard a faint little cry from Simeon. I just don't understand how that works that I can sleep through so many sounds, but the cry of my child awakens me instantly.

I got Simeon out of his bed and put him in mine where I rubbed his back and he played with my hair (please tell me he will always be this affectionate!). Immediately this verse was swirling in my mind. Psalm 116: 1-2 "I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!"

How incredible is it that this is true of the Lord; that it moves His heart when His children cry. He is attentive to our cry. He WILL respond when His children cry out to Him. Equally incredible is the fact that at 3:30 in the morning, the Holy Spirit is teaching me about the Father!

Running the Race

2009-08-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

I had the crazy idea to try and become a runner. I heard about Jeff Galloway’s method of taking walk breaks at intervals so I thought I would try it. I have been running for maybe 6 weeks now. Yesterday I went out with the idea that I would stretch myself to 8 miles. Up to now, 5 has been the longest distance I have gone. Of course, by mile 3 I was thinking… if I just do 6 miles that would still be great. I had that back and forth conversation, lap after lap, trying to decide if I could make it. I started thinking about the comparisons spiritually. I listen to music while I run and there has been some real intense worship at the park. If I weren’t concentrating on breathing and pace so much, I’d surely have my hands raised half of the time. I was thinking about how discipline, diligence and breakthrough are in play for both the physical and the spiritual. I want a runner’s body on an ice cream diet. Similarly, I want the spiritual rewards of intimacy, but often begin to back away at mile 2 or 3.

I know God is inviting me into a lifestyle of worship and intercession. He confirmed the call to the “Anna” lifestyle 3 times in the past week. Ironically, Anna was widowed around the age 24 and spent 60+ years in the temple serving night and day with fastings and prayers, speaking of Him to all those who were looking for redemption. (Luke 2:36-38) Her faithfulness was credited to her in a big way! With her own eyes she got to see the Messiah! I have prayed dangerously in the spirit and told the Lord, ‘keep me low as long as You need to make me into who it is You want me to be. Let there continually be less of me and more of You’. I keep asking for the refining and pruning to be in play over my life, but so wish it could be an out of body experience. I am in a place of realizing how little I know Him and even more, how much less I am like Him. He is drawing me in with the promise of intimacy and deeper revelation into His heart… but at a cost. I let go of the job that I loved teaching ESL, to be in the place of prayer. It is difficult to have a lot of social interactions because of kid’s schedules and living in the backwoods. Many of the things I have found fulfilling in the past (job, relationships, etc) are no longer present and I am face to face with the reality that my identity is ONLY in Him. The Word says that He is enough and that He alone satisfies. My emotions are unreliable, but He is faithful and true… He will prove these truths as I stay at His feet. To that I say bring on some large dose refining. I want to be where You want me to be when You want me to be there. Your ways are higher than mine (Isa 55:9)!

I made it to the 8 mile goal, so encouraged in my spirit to press in to deeper places and not stop at the fatigue and discouragement that comes spiritually in the early miles.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

I have been listening to this song so much in the past week and it continues to increase my desire for Jesus!

Remembering a Great Day

2009-08-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

From the day we got engaged in Keifung, China

August 7, 2004

I will forever remember this day. After the wedding ceremony and ironically after Scott's memorial, I had similar feelings about the services; that God had really showed up and I wouldn't have changed anything about them. God was so good, is so good and will always be good. If it weren't for His unfailing love and unchanging character, I would never have made it this far.

Having had several friends go through very rough places in marriage and a few through divorce, want to express some thoughts on the topic. There is no better place to learn how to let the flesh die. Read 1 Corinthians 13 and Philippians 2 to gain wisdom for the harder seasons. Marriage, for most, has very difficult moments. It isn't always the easiest thing in the world. One thing I greatly appreciated about Scott and our marriage was that we NEVER brought up divorce as an option. I honestly knew it would be until death, but thought it would be more like forever. Those vows are covenant before the Lord. I pray that marriage will once again glorify Jesus and point to a picture of intimacy for Him and His bride; the church. (Eph 5:22,25) Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. Do everything for Him and as unto Him. I previously blogged about trying to be the Holy Spirit (nagging) to Scott and not really trusting that God in His way and time would bring about His will in my husband and in our life together. Trust in the Lord and lay it at His feet.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ lived the church and gave Himself up for her (while we were still sinners Christ died for us!).

Lord help those in marriages to love unconditionally, not reactionally. Love never fails (1 Cor 13:8). Glorify Yourself once again through covenant marriages Lord.

I have been amazed at what I remember (and what I forget :). After each of my children were born, I thought that I would never do that again. Even worse, they'd then keep me from sleep and consume so much of their early months that it was draining and overwhelming. With both of them, at 3 months of age things got a little easier, and again around 6-7 months old. By the time they neared their 1st birthday, I had forgotten how difficult the earlier parts have been and started thinking about another baby! I know Scott and I walked through a good bit together and there were times I was overwhelmed and felt hopeless. There were many amazing times too. I hate that I missed opportunities to tell him how gentle, loving, and funny he was. How much I appreciated that he participated a lot in the daily things (dishes, kids baths, etc). Those many 'little things' I took for granted. I am so thankful that God let us have the time we had. I'm very thankful that the difficult things about marriage and relationship fade and what remains is beautiful and sweet. I'm reminded that faith, hope and love remain, but the greatest of these is love. (1 Cor 13:13). Here is a verse that a friend sent me during one of the difficult stages (we got married, started a business, had two kids and sold that business all in 4 years!). The friend sent verse 5. I had it in my Bible for a long time and after Scott passed away, I found it and read the rest of the chapter; verse 4 then really stood out to me.

Isaiah 54: 4-5
Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth.

If you want to know how to pray for me, please pray that He would continue to heal me, to fill me with more of Him, and that I would stay at His feet long enough to be satisfied in Him alone.

(Psalm 145:16 You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing!)

honeymoon in Cancun

Our first anniversary.

Costa Rica 2009

2009-08-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was blessed to get to go to Costa Rica with a church in Clinton, Mississippi. I was gone 12 days and there are so many things I really want to share about the trip, but will try to limit them. I'm usually not great at few words.

I want to highlight some of the immediate things that come to mind.

Calling. I know to some degree I am called to cross cultural service. I used to think that meant full time overseas, but now I am learning to live in today and not be preoccupied about the future. If God brings that to pass one day, I would be thrilled. Today's obedience is living in TODAY for me, but it is wonderful for me to get to participate in any cross cultural ministry!

Community. Many mother's of little ones know it is so difficult to plan anything around nap times and meals etc. Since Scott passed away, the lack of community has been very evident. It was a huge blessing to be a part of that group of 29 for almost 2 weeks. I know I need to make a bigger effort to connect "in person" with friends in my community. The people I met on the Costa Rica team hold a special place in my heart. I have not laughed so hard or often in a LONG time.

Clarity. God has been teaching me about what love looks like for a few weeks. I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal my heart to me (surely, only in Small measure) and He did. On the 4th of July I realized how much judgement and pride were in me and how opposing to LOVE those are. The lyrics of a song popped in my head as I passed a homeless guy who looked fairly mentally disturbed. "All of the others on the road passed me by but not You". I got to see this same homeless guy 3 times and pray over him and pour the truth of God's love for him into him. I wonder how many people stop for him. I seriously fall more in love with Jesus when He gives me a little glimpse of how beautiful he is in moments like these. I KNEW and FELT God's love for this man and love that God was showing me this lesson before this trip. For years, I have told the Lord, send me where ever and to whom ever, I'll go. The lesson for me is if I can't love those in my own community with His love, I won't do it any better in another country! I thank God for giving me a little more of His vision of love.

inCarcerated. I wasn't aiming to go with all c's but since it's happened this far, why stop. Well, I didn't get incarcerated, but after several of us went to the police station/jail across the street from the church 5 times or so with the repeated brush-off "come back tomorrow", God finally made a way for us to go in! We weren't sure if we'd be talking to prisoners or police officers before we went. We had a guy from Mexico that was there with another team go in with us. The opportunity was so unique and unbelievable that it was evident that God had given us the persistent desire to get in there. 18 officers stood at attention while we sang (slaughtered) Open the Eyes of My Heart in Spanish. Then a little sharing (we were given 15 minutes to be finished) four of the men said they knew they needed Jesus and we got to lay hands on each of the 18 men and pray for their protection and over their families... while they were all still at attention! What a great last night for us!

Communication and Culture. The last couple of times I have been out of the country, it has been to Spanish speaking cultures. Since my last visit to Panama, I have been around Spanish a lot from when I was teaching ESL to mostly Spanish speakers. It was fun to get to use it and enjoy the people of Costa Rica. They are among the most open and hospitable people I have ever met. I love them and hope to return soon!!

Comforter. I absolutely love it when God speaks in real, physical and tangible ways with me. I got to hold a sweet 3 month old baby while she slept during VBS one day. I carried her around and was struck by the fact that she completely trusted that she was safe and secure. It didn't matter where I went, her position didn't change. I want to trust and rest like that with the Father. What a beautiful picture. Toward the end of the trip I was spending some time with the Lord when Psalm 116 popped into my head. Not the actual psalm... just that "psalm 116". So I went to it and spent some time there. Later that night I was hit with those fun, unexpected emotions that I never seem to know exactly where they come from. I used to have such emotional control! For some reason I always feel if I could sort out exactly where it is coming from, it might make a difference. Today is 8 months since Scott passed away. Friday is our 5 year anniversary. I was living in and enjoying community and I knew it was coming to an end. I fear the mundane of life, and simultaneously know THAT's where He usually shows me Himself the greatest. In the lows and pain. Who knows exactly which of these was the catalyst for what happened! So, this huge emotional outburst happened while one of the sweet unsuspecting ladies from the local church asked me details about Scott; our life and his death. The next morning I knew the lid was off and my control was limited but again the Lord said "psalm 116". You should definitely read it, but a few things that really spoke loudly to me. I love the Lord because He hears my voice, I will call upon Him as long as I live. I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears and my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living! I love that God gave me that chapter before I even needed it. Psalm 139:5 "You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me".

While the greatest focus of the trip was to be a blessing to this church by doing physical tasks on the property (laying cement, painting, etc) God really did more than I could have hoped or expected.

I am really tired and hope that I can fall asleep now that I have processed things a little more. I literally laugh out loud as I think about some of the hilarious things that happened. I know some of those memories will see me through tough times in the future. This last part won't make sense to most of you, but I want to be able to remember some of these things! Sorry Austin and Devin!! Murky water and marco polo make me nervous. I'm pretty sure I said, "Kayla, did you show him your 'moves'?!" I know more about Mike Grove than I ever thought I would!!! I can't believe Ashley!! 84?!? Sorry but the tubing picture really is HILARIOUS! I really do know ALL of the words to Cry Me a River and I am still ready! If there are any more that I forgot... you can comment them on here :) I wasn't great about taking pictures, but here are a few of the team. Hopefully I will add more as other team peps put some up.

a few from Costa Rica!

These are pictures that teammates took.

others pic from cr

Extravagant Devotion

2009-07-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Luke 7:37-38

"And there was a woman in the city who was a sinner and when she learned that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster vial of perfume, and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with he tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet and anointing them with the perfume."

The Holy Spirit has brought me back to this passage several times in the past few weeks, so I have really wanted to stay in it long enough to GET it. Jesus is invited to dinner at a Pharisee's house. The word Pharisee is indicative of a person who would have been religious and "separate" which is what the word Pharisee means in Hebrew. A woman who is known to be "immoral" hears that Jesus is in town and eating at this Pharisee's house. She brings a container of expensive perfume with her and begins literally showering Him with affection. She weeps over Him and washes His feet with her tears and wipes them with her hair. There are so many culturally unacceptable things about this! Not only that she approached this great teacher, but that she lets her hair down and kisses His feet is culturally shocking. This woman was surely aware of how she would be perceived.

I have played this picture through my head a few times now and it stirs my heart in an incredible way. I imagine her hearing that Jesus is in town and her heart immediately begins beating hard. She has heard that He loves and forgives anyone. She is unusually drawn to Him... as though she would die without knowing Him for herself. Without really thinking, she grabs a container of expensive perfume and has ONE GOAL to find Jesus. Maybe she doesn't even think ahead to what she will do when she sees Him, but just knows that she HAS to be in His presence. I picture her walking into the house knowing that what she's about to do is CRAZY and that the on-lookers will greatly disapprove, but nothing can stop her now. Her heart is so full of worship and love for this man she comes to His feet and lets all of her emotions pour over Him. His presence and love fill all of the gaping holes that have been in her heart for so many years now. It's as though time stands still and she knows that in part she was created for this very moment.

The Pharisee thought to himself, if Jesus were a prophet He would know what type of person this is, that she is a sinner. Ironically, Jesus being a prophet, knew the Pharisee's thoughts and gave a parable (Lk 7: 40-43) *In my own words* The parable was a little like this: American Express has two credit card holders. One owed $60,000 and the other owed $2000. AMEX graciously decided to cancel BOTH debts. Which of these two credit card holders had the greater love? The obvious answer is the one who was forgiven more, which is what the Pharisee also thought.

The cultural norm in that time was to have the feet of a guest washed upon entering the house. Jesus in verses 44-46 said that He was given no water for His feet, but that she wet them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. He was given no kiss, but she kissed His feet, His head was not anointed, but she anointed His feet with perfume. VS 47 "For this reason I say to you her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little."

I love this woman's devotion. I am in a season of asking the Holy Spirit to reveal my heart and sin to me. I believe that the closer we get to the Lord and the more we understand of His holiness, our sin is revealed to us more and more. There have been times in prayer that I seriously have thought that my sins are few or serious. I know there is a major flaw in that thinking and have been asking Him to show me the truth of my sin so I can be forgiven and come nearer (only to repeat :) He has done this in a major way recently in revealing things in my heart I didn't even know were present. I want to KNOW the depth of the darkness of my heart because He alone can cleanse and transform it!

I love this extravagant devotion and love and want to pursue it in ways that might be culturally inappropriate or misunderstood because He thinks it's beautiful. It pleases Him and makes me complete! Lord, let my heart always beat harder at the mention of Your name!

My Confidence Restored

2009-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

Imagine with me that 700+ people join an internet group, loosely committing to buy a raffle ticket to help raise money. That would represent $7,000 and in a perfect world, they all buy a ticket and tell at least two friends. That ends up being $21,000! Wow, the prayer movement just got a big boost!... well, that's not exactly how it went. I started the raffle, and after the first week, there was only $2,000 in the account. I then decided to extend the raffle for two more weeks and it slowly crept up. So my anxiety set in... not only will I not be able to bless the house of prayer, but in addition to that I am going to lose money by not getting what I could have if I had just SOLD the car instead of doing the whole raffle thing.

A completely separate set of circumstances opened the door for me to go on an 11 day missions trip to Costa Rica for very little money (July 22-Aug 2 if you want to pray for me and my family). I had been asking the Lord for an opportunity to go overseas for a short term trip soon and this opportunity came up. The majority of the way was paid for me to go on this trip so I prayed about the opportunity and timing and really felt the "green light" was there from the Lord. Then there was a travel miscommunication and the Atlanta/Houston ticket I bought was completely unusable because my ticket to Costa Rica was booked from Mississippi to Houston to Costa Rica (MS is where the rest of the team is out of). So, my purchased ticket is useless (can apply the credit to travel in future... for a fee of course :) ), but I had still had no way to Mississippi or back. I finally got it all worked out, but not without stress and frustration and more money.

The raffle was tanking, and instead of making money from the car for the House of Prayer, I was loosing money on tickets that I couldn't use! I seriously started thinking, do I even know how to hear His voice at all?! I felt like everything I touched became poisoned.... like when you spray round up to kill all of the weeds, but this was obviously not intentional! For several days, I just felt that nagging anxiety, frustration and oppression of those situations. The sermon series at church was on cultivating joy and I could tell I wasn't following the recipe too well! I have begun to judge if I am "in the Spirit" or "in the flesh" by Romans 8:5-7, the mind set of the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. I definitely knew that I was not walking according to the Spirit and knew that it was a spiritual battle, but felt stuck.

A friend called me and I casually mentioned the oppression I felt stuck in. She started praying for me on the phone and the stress, frustration, anxiety funk left immediately!! I was so immensely grateful to her and to the Lord that I really felt free to know that the raffle REALLY WAS in God's hands. It was as though I heard the Lord saying that what I considered "successful" for the raffle wasn't necessarily the same as His gauge for measuring. I began to believe that He was going to accomplish everything that HE wanted accomplished through it! If I personally lost money or if The Well didn't receive what I had hoped, He could meet those needs in completely different ways...without me or my little raffle being involved! What a great God; He truly loves me in my weakness and immaturity!

I love that the call to walk in faith like a child keeps resurfacing in my life. Why do I continually choose to put myself under a burden and stress that is unnecessary. It is so freeing to let Him have it ALL and to enjoy Him. As I wrote that, I thought about the fact that for MANY marriages, the issue of finances is what causes the most stress, tension and arguments. Our relationship with the Lord has been set in that bridal imagery in the Word. How much more am I able to simply enjoy Him when I trust Him daily?

The awesome part is that after I really felt free to believe that how the raffle went was no indication of it's success... because He will accomplish His purposes through it, the Lord really blessed us at The Well on Saturday night. A team from Korea with Youth with a Mission came and were a real blessing in many ways. We wanted to take up an offering for them, but they ended up blessing us immensely when just before they left they told us they pray and obey and the Lord wanted to bless us through THEM. They gave us enough money to cover two months mortgage at The Well!

I just want to say God is good! What an awesome affirmation that experience was! He is freeing me from the world, the approval of man and even my own weakness and faulty expectations. I would gladly follow You step by step daily than to have a 5 year plan for my life! You capture my heart and fascinate me with Your love! What an adventure we are on together!

this is the only copy of this song I could find... this one the Lord has used several times now to really show me Himself in an intimate way. Love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lMYAF6myqc

Father's day

2009-06-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

I was putting some pictures together of Scott as a way to remember him and honor him today. Scott really was a GREAT father. He had a ton of patience and was very attentive when interacting with the babies. He could hear what seemed like non-stop crying and it wouldn't stress him out. When they were newborns and I was at home all day with them, he would return from many hours of working and still help me as I passed a crying infant off to him desperation.

I love my earthly father. I especially love who the Lord is making him into. It's awesome and incredible to see his heart becoming more like Jesus'. I never thought too much about the "fatherless". My thoughts used to initially go to aids orphaned children in Africa. These days, I think more about the many fathers that, at best, are distant. Many are absent. I know this doesn't only apply to fathers who are physically absent, but this is said to be the plague of the generation; fatherless homes.

I remember one time I was in Wal-Mart and I saw a (very) pregnant girl and I noticed she didn't have a ring on her finger. I made an assumption (sounds better than judgement right?) about her and her lifestyle and choices. Then the many joys of pregnancy fell upon me too, and my fingers were swollen to the point that my ring didn't fit. Yup... I'm sure you see where I'm going. Even where I find myself in life now, I can't help but wonder how people will perceive me. When I meet someone for the first time who finds that I'm not married but that I have two children, their assumptions will surely be that I am divorced or that I was never married to start with. I wouldn't have even thought of myself to be "judgemental". I am thankful that Jesus has revealed my heart to me. I continually want to be reminded that all of my "righteousness" is like filthy rags before Him. There is no one righteous, not even one (Rom 3:10).

I love this story in Luke 7
36Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."

Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners. The "righteous" and religious asked His disciples why he ate with people like this. Jesus said it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Mk 2: 14-18). It was for sinners that Jesus came (1 Tim 1:15-16).

This is the beauty and romance of the Gospel. Romans 5:7-9
7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him.

While Jesus was in the garden praying before He died for our sins, He prayed to God calling Him Abba, an Aramaic word which is translated Daddy!
As His children, we receive a Spirit of sonship by which we cry out Daddy! (Romans 8:15)

Galatians 4: 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son.

In weak words, my heart and spirit want to connect this Father, DADDY, heart of God and the overwhelming love He has for us weak, broken, sinners. Father's day was a bit difficult around our house today. The absence of a really good father on this earth was felt, but the presence of a Great Heavenly Daddy was here. This Daddy will never leave you or forsake you. His love endures forever. He is an ever present help in times of trouble. He takes in all who turn to Him... and especially loves those "sinners" who have a great need for Him.
I pray that you had time this Father's Day to reflect on the One who loves you perfectly and pursues you relentlessly. I hope that the love of the Father becomes more present in my life and through my life as I (a sinner) live and walk in this world of sinners. Lord, let me see people through your eyes and love with your heart!

Below is a video of Jason Upton singing about the Father heart of God. Jason was adopted into a family and understands better than most our adoption into God's family through the work of Jesus on the cross. Jason Upton was also Scott's favorite worship leader.

Reader discretion advised!

2009-06-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about our fast paced, microwave society. I am so much a part of it too! Last year, I decided I wanted to plant flowers and thought I could put seeds in the ground and have flowers the same season. I was informed that you plant for the next season; normally, plant in the spring to see “harvest” in the fall. Otherwise, you buy the flowers that are already blooming and plant them. As silly as it sounds, the principle that everyone who has ever planted anything knows, there is a season of sowing that precedes the reaping. I did have a surprise blessing last year, some petunias popped up and I didn’t sow for them. It was God’s grace and gift. Sometimes we get to reap from another’s labor, but that’s a whole different topic! Back to my part in our culture; I literally never even push the time 2.00 minutes and start on the microwave. Mine has a “quick minute” feature that from one push it sets it to a minute and starts it automatically. The beauty of tevo or dvr is that you can fast forward through commercials and things you don’t want to see. You can record an hour long show and watch it in 35 minutes minus commercials. Even at Six Flags, you can get some sort of fast pass and spend an hour running to all of the different rides you want to get on, reserving it in a sense, and then come back to it to wait in line for a reduced amount of time. Our culture is filled with short-cuts and it’s no wonder that we “labor” in prayer or seeking the Lord for short seasons, lack perseverance and get weary quickly.

Most of you know I am in a season of pruning, purging, refining and healing. So many times I find myself telling the Lord, let this be over soon. There are so many times that I am literally energized and exhilarated by what He is doing that I am in such a good place spiritually and emotionally. The grief monster is seemingly always lurking though and it has become that I can see it a few days out. I haven’t succumbed to it in the same way or depth recently as I have in the past, but my wounds are still present and painful. I’m tired of going there and rehashing what seems well enough to be hidden under the bandage. Exposing it again and again every few weeks only seems to irritate it. God has been giving me a very vivid picture for how this process must play out.

This is where READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. When I was 15 years old, my appendix ruptured. I had it removed, but the three inch long, one and a half inch wide wound had to be left opened for several days to remove all of the infected and damaged tissue. The first time after surgery that the nurses came to clean it, it felt like a steal scrubbing thing you use for the really dirty dishes. It was extremely painful. They had to come every few hours to clean it and once I was aware how painful it was, I cried at least 30 minutes BEFORE they came in anticipation of the pain. In essence, what I want many times is for the Lord to “sew me up” without letting the course of healing take place. I am saying, go ahead and just put something over it… it’ll be okay. If the infection is left, it will continue to cause other healthy tissue to rot as well.

I am aware of this spiritually. I want to be the Jeremiah 17:7-8 tree whose roots go down deep into the water, stays green in every season and is not anxious during drought but continues to bear fruit… but without the season of pruning that is necessary. I am thankful that the Lord knows that the real position in my heart is YES LORD, have your way in my life. Don’t stop pruning. Like the good physician, he knows that if he relents under my cries of pain, that the job will not be sufficient. Even gold has to be put through the fire to be rid of it’s impurities. John 12:24 says unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit. It is the pattern of the Kingdom for us to lose our lives to save it, to decrease so that He can increase, to share in the sufferings of Christ, to take up our cross and follow Him. Although the weight of this work He is doing is at times a hard pill to swallow, He knows that by His spirit in me, my greater desire is that He leaves no remnant of infection. My great temptation is to pretend like the wound isn’t there and to set my gaze on the destination rather than the journey. I understand how one would be tempted to fill this season with busyness … I received advice from many to “keep busy” to make the absence of my husband less difficult. The better advice is to stay at His feet until the healing and deeper work is complete… and then, stay at His feet some more because He is good. He is kind in all His ways and righteous in all His deeds and He satisfies the desire of every living thing (Psalm 145: 14-20).

I want to end with a few verses and an exhortation to wait upon the Lord. My wound happens to be directly related to Scott’s death, although I know the Lord is cleaning and purifying me in every area of my life. I have recently been thinking about the “infections” of bitterness and unforgiveness specifically although I know there are many more than could be named. I know that these, if just covered or masked, will continue to infect other good tissue. They must be dealt with and we have to be in a position of asking for and giving permission to The Healer to come and work in these areas even as painful as it might be.

Psalm 36: 7-9
How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house; and You give them to drink of the river of Your delights. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.
I hope that with whatever season the Lord d has you in, you can look at it from His perspective and be thankful in all things.

FAITH

2009-05-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve taken the plunge! Jumped without a net, casted caution to the wind… I’m out of my mind! I feel (very minimally) like Paul, if I am out of my mind it is for the sake of God! 2 Cor 5:13 God is doing a new thing and it is incredible, scary, fun, terrifying and a gift all at the same time. I’ll dive right on in!

I will have to take you back just a little way to get the whole picture. I realize I can become “long winded” when blogging, so I am going to try to do the abridged version. I first met Jesus at 15 years old in Prattville, Alabama. He was and has been what my heart longs for. St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they find rest in You”. I began to follow Him then and I haven’t looked back (by the grace of God). Shortly after my transformation began, I saw missionaries for the first time at a conference and felt like I realized the purpose for my life. I then pursued a Christian education in Missiology/Cross-Cultural Studies at Toccoa Falls College. I met Scott after college and about the same time I was planning to go to China. After a few months in China, Scott came and proposed that we do life together. After we married, we pursued returning to China, but it wasn’t God’s timing and the door was closed for us. I have grown to appreciate that God knows better than I do. With the little bit of maturity that has come since and through that experience, I know His ways are higher than mine. He is good. That journey will have to be a whole separate blog, but suffice to say I learned how to surrender my will and agenda to the Lord in great measure through that experience.

I think our introduction to the prayer movement was through Jason Upton’s music. That type of music is called prophetic or spontaneous worship. One of his songs is listed on the blog, “In Your Presence”; make sure you listen to it. When I realized that there were LOTS of believers that had REAL, active prayer lives that consisted of more than running down a list of people and things to pray for, I was in awe and shock. I’ve read about people from generations past with these kinds of active faith/prayer lives, but hadn’t experienced it myself. Learning to really worship Him, in His presence, and to hear the Holy Spirit and pray what’s on His heart seemed revolutionary. I realized that “practicing His presence” is something that I can LIVE in. Learning how to restore the greatest commandment, “to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength” to the first place and greatest priority of my life became paramount. I can’t DO for the Lord until I first know how to BE in Him and before Him. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:4 I’m not suggesting we wait until we have become perfected to do anything… but that we make the FIRST part, first (Love Him) and the second part second (Love Others).

Now that the Lord has established The Well, I have had the opportunity to have a place to dive in and be free(er) from distractions and begin to really seek Him… and FIND HIM. The first time I felt the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart concerning making this prayer thing, THE THING for this season of my life was late January. I just pondered it, but didn’t really do anything about it. In the past several weeks, it has become more pressing. I tried to talk myself out of it and convince myself that it was my idea and not the Lord’s leading, but to no avail. I really enjoy my job teaching English as a second language. I love my students, they have become great friends. The hours are great, 20 hours a week in 3 days. With all of these “pros” I felt the internal struggle to trust that I was hearing correctly. I was very restless feeling like I knew WHAT He was asking of me and not having yet yielded myself completely. So, without really planning to, I told my boss that I thought that God is leading me to invest my time before Him in the house of prayer. In God’s goodness, the first person I told was affirming. I do struggle some with being a man pleaser, but do I ever LOVE to please my heavenly Father. There is nothing like His affirmation over me so I will seek that over man’s opinion any day.

Now I find myself as the head of my house hold and the one responsible for these two precious babies. By all “logic” it doesn’t make sense to quit my job in this economy and with my financial situation, but I know that there is no safer place in every regard including financially, than to be in His perfect will. I heard a great sermon recently on Noah and am stunned by his faith. When Noah built the ark, it had NEVER rained before. It likely took him about 100 years to construct this 4 story boat. Peter called him a preacher of righteousness, but his only “converts” in the time it took to build the ark were his family. After his family and the animals all loaded up, it STILL didn’t rain for 7 days, yet they had faith to remain and wait and it saved them all. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with these stories of faith and verse 6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” I will walk in faith and obedience as much as I know how to and will continue to seek His will and wisdom in all things. There are more questions than answers at this point, but He is faithful. He will provide for our every need. I am excited that He has given me just enough faith to follow Him in this new season. He is teaching me to trust Him for everything and has put me on the “fast track” to die to my flesh in the area of finances. I am learning that a way to overcome fear in finances is to GIVE. It is exciting to learn to give out of need and not just overflow. I am trusting that I will be able to share stories of His provisions and power in my new faith journey that will increase your faith. I know I am always encouraged when I hear of how God moves in other people’s lives that walk in faith.

If you have a story to share of how He has been faithful to you or stories you have heard of, PLEASE write it here. I will probably need them to draw from in the days ahead J. Let us be mutually encouraged by one another’s faith! Rom 1:12

(so much for abridged!)

Ouch!

2009-04-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ouch!

What is often bittersweet has been way more bitter than sweet this week. I don’t know the whys behind how grief operates. I honestly feel like things can be stable and maintained and then something triggers the fall that results in days of trying to get myself back together. Sounds a lot like Humpty dumpty doesn’t it?… sounds a bit like my heart as well. “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again”…but I KNOW that the KING Himself can put my heart back together.

I often think that every part of me that dies through this experience (not only this but all of those ‘deaths’ we die in the Christian walk) He will resurrect with more of the life of Jesus Christ. While that is incredible, that the Creator of the universe can weave the supernatural with the natural, it doesn’t make it any less painful. One of the big triggers is the closet. I don’t touch or look at his clothes very often… but I do think about how I need to get my winter stuff out of there to make more space. Scott used to joke that he had 1/8th of the closet and still I needed that space too. Well, that hasn’t changed! Every time I consider doing the winter-summer swap and taking the majority of his things out, it sends me into a tailspin. Another is needing to mow the lawn. A strange combination of pride and independence (and who knows what else) keeps me from wanting anyone else doing this. The basement is such a reminder of him. All of these tools and things that I have never had to touch are down there. I didn’t find the gas can and I am certain that Scott would be able to go right to it. I don’t think words can describe the wounds revealed from what should be simple tasks.

The amazing thing is that I have realized that there is healing in interceding for people with REAL injustices. My best day this week was when my heart broke over someone/something else. One of my students and I were talking about child sex trafficking. The deep pains that sin and evil leave in its wake are unfathomable…even to me in the midst of my own “suffering”. http://www.innocenceatlanta.org/about is a site about this problem in Atlanta, Ga. It is so easy to not read about, talk about and educate ourselves about these great injustices because it is painful to do so. If you call yourself a Christian and do indeed follow Him, you care about what He cares about and your heart breaks for the things that break His. If you do read about this problem I pray that your heart will break and that it will lead to intercession. I am praying that the Lord will bring justice, freedom and healing for these children and that He will return to bring His Righteousness and Justice to the Earth! I am going to end with one of the passages that I have recently been reading and gaining strength from. You can read it here or look it up in your own time… it’s a long one :)

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pangs of death surrounded me, and the pangs of hell laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. The I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered m soul from death, My eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." In my haste, I said, "all men are liars".

What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death f His saints. O Lord, truly I am Your servant; the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call upon the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem

Praise the Lord!

Sharing a little more of Scott

2009-04-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

Sharing More of Scott: April 21st

There were so many things about Scott that many people were surprised to hear once they got to know him. I want to celebrate some of those wonderful and surprising things that were in him, especially now on his birthday.

Scott loved music. He was a drummer in high school, and afterward with Drum Corps International (DCI). I loved sometimes when in the kitchen at the restaurant he would take two knives and start drumming/cutting food with them. He also loved live music. When we were on our honeymoon in Cancun, we went to this club that had an American DJ/ mixer and he knew of the guy and absolutely loved it. I thought he would have been a really great “mixer” because he was such a great multi-tasker and could envision things and make them happen.

Scott applied for Top Chef, the reality cooking show. He didn’t get accepted, but it was fun to make the video for that and it will be nice to have that for the kids later in life.

Scott was a vegetarian. He didn’t eat most of the food that he cooked at the restaurant. He knew when things were right by smell and touch. He could touch a steak and know what temperature it was. Amazing.

He was the president of his fraternity, Sigma Chi, his last year of school. He graduated Cum Laud and did so in 3 ½ years. He graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice. I think one of his many dreams was to be an undercover agent for the FBI. He loved any movies or reality shows that had to do with “agent” type work.

Scott was in the application process with the Border Patrol to be an agent. To start the application process, you have to take a reasoning test and language acquisition test. The pass rate for this test the first time was really low (40% I think) and so Scott returned and told me he did well… I pulled out of him that he got a 96! He had completed all of the application process (a 4-6 month ordeal), had a private investigator fact checking and lacked only a urine test. We were preparing mentally for the real possibility of moving to the border.

He was extremely good at discerning character. He was quiet and liked to observe people and situations before jumping in.

He was an AMAZING father. He really loved his kids. He had supernatural amounts of patience, for both them and me. Crying and whining stress me out, but Scott would patiently and calmly deal with situations. When he was at home, he more than shared the load with the kids and I so appreciated that in him.

He had a romantic heart, which included flying to China to propose to me. He was best at expressing himself in writing, and even in art at times.

He was kind, compassionate, patient, generous, a hard worker, full of love and full of life. He loved God and loved to worship.

I wish I had made affirming and honoring him more of a priority when he was alive. I will just end with a little encouragement, especially to the wife, to encourage and affirm your husband. Not just to him, but to those around you. I know there are times when that isn’t the easiest thing to do, when water gets under the bridge etc., but I think what it does in a man’s heart is great and it is obedience to the Lord to honor your husband. Instead of focusing on the negative, please take the intentional opportunity to affirm the positive things in him (and those around you) today. We really aren’t promised tomorrow.

Lord, thank you for the amazing gift you gave me for 5 years in Scott. Seal those sweet, fond and fun memories in my heart forever. Please help me to live a life of no regrets with those that are in my life. Give me a heart and mouth that builds up, encourages and affirms!

Now for a few fun pictures...

Apparently in this one, he and a friend pranked another friend who worked at a drug store by letting this chicken loose in the store!

Remembering...

2009-04-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

Remembering Scott
I can’t believe it’s ONLY been four months since he died. It feels like it has been much, much more painfully long a time than that. I’ve said before that more than anything I have lost my best friend in the world. I can’t believe that I took for granted being loved and understood. He knew me so well that he could read my mood from body language and read my heart from only a glance. I guess that’s often the case, that you don’t realize what you have until its absence makes it overwhelmingly obvious. I have time and time again thought about how this experience went for Jesus’ disciples. They had HIM with them, day in and day out. His presence, His words and His love were so very present with them daily. Then, suddenly, He was killed. Those days before He made His resurrected appearance must have been horrendous. The feelings of lost hope and the great despair were likely unrelenting. Then He showed Himself and walked among them before He ascended, with the promise to return. I can only imagine what inexpressible and awesome joy overtook them when they heard His voice and saw His body after He was crucified. I dreamed once that Scott was still alive. In my dream, I knew that he was hurt and weak, but he was alive. I remember the way he smiled when I saw him. It was one of those strange dreams that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I knew in that dream that he had died, but I was overcome with elation that he was in fact alive. I know that we will see him (and all of those who we have lost in the faith) again. I don’t understand exactly what that will look like. I often picture Scott worshiping Jesus. I know my imagination is too weak to even create a scenario that does justice. I’m sure my best attempts pale in comparison to the glory of heaven and the elation that Scott has before the King. Scott LOVED music and worshipping Him here, so I can only imagine how His days must be filled with gazing at the beauty of the Lord. I am jealous. It doesn’t seem fair that while he is in the fullness of His presence for eternity, I have to figure out how to walk through what seems like an eternity of the random ball of emotions that I can’t even seem to name. Even so I am comforted that I don’t have to do it alone. I have already mentioned how this whole experience has stirred emotions in me that I have never felt. Although my heart is raw, the Lord builds best with raw materials. In thinking about what the disciples experienced, and my present experiences, in some ways I feel like I am in that time in between the death and the resurrection emotionally. I feel this way in many ways, I have lost Scott, but I will see him again. In the midst of loss, God makes all things new and brings beauty from ashes. Although Jesus has been raised, I have to wait for His return to know Him fully as I am known. His death and resurrection paved the way for the redemption of all of humanity that believed. We know that all who have died will be resurrected from their earthly bodies and judged by God. Until the day of His return or our own death, we are in the mixed emotion position of grieving but with anticipation and of groaning in our mortal flesh yet with hopeful expectation. I am confident in the promises of the Lord. We will be reunited with those we have loved and lost, but most importantly, we will be united for eternity with the One who is Love Himself.

I read this from one of John Piper’s blog contributors and really liked the perspective it was written from concerning what it was like for Jesus’ disciples

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1711_I_Will_Never_Believe/

I also recently heard this (also from John Piper’s resources) about one man’s perspective and response to suffering loss. I was encouraged by it and hope you take the time to listen.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2001/55_To_Be_a_Mother_Is_a_Call_to_Suffer/

ALL ABOUT THE BABIES... kind of

2009-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

I really do have WONDERFUL children.
Simeon will be one in less than 3 weeks. He is my toothless wonder. :) He eats absolutely everything that Eliya does, just by gumming things. He is walking around things while holding on and standing unassisted, but only when he doesn't realize he is doing so. His sweet chubby cheeks and curly red hair are just fantastic. He is SUCH a blessing to me. He is my hugger and seems to know when I really need one.

Eliya is almost 2 1/2. She is so big... no really! She literally grew an inch and a half in the past two months. She wears mostly 3T pants already! She constantly surprises me with her comprehension. I love comparing her linguistic abilities to my students who are learning English as a second language. They have similar problems :) The other day she said "Mama, Oh my goodness!" I LOVE it when she uses these little sayings we have... and most of the time correctly. She also said "Yee-Haw" yesterday very loudly in the car. Apparently, one of her Backyardagin videos has a western theme! I hear a little southern drawl in her sometimes too... unbelievable! Eliya is obsessed with the alphabet song and has it down perfectly. She also loves to point out every stop sign she sees and can spell S T O P. She tries to spell her name, but most adults can't spell it either so that will come :)

They both love music and love to dance. They also both love videos, which I carefully moderate. I so don't want them to get sucked in... which literally, if it is on, Simeon stares with his mouth hanging open. He is really drawn to the remote too... are the male genes THAT strong?!?

Eliya is asking about Daddy a little less these days. She told me the other day that she missed Daddy, she followed with Daddy's in heaven with Jesus. Even though she can produce that, I know the thought is SO abstract for her. She then asked me if we could go see Jesus that day. It's really hard to have any idea what to do with that. I have been asking God to give her dreams so that she could have a level of understanding that maybe I don't even have. Daily I ask for His presence as a Father and His peace to fill their room especially when they are sleeping.

It is very comforting that God' s heart is for the fatherless.
Psalms 68:5 NIV A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
In fact, the term fatherless or orphan appears at least 41 times in the Bible! I know that my family is in the palm of His hand. I honestly never thought empathetically about the fatherless or the "single mom". I keep thinking how unimaginable the additional burden hurt from divorce would be to the pain and responsibility that are already in these circumstances. I still know, and often dwell on the verses in Psalm 145:14-... The Lord sustains all who fall and raises all who are bowed down, He is near to those who cry out to Him in truth!

I also can't help but think about pain far greater than mine that others have suffered and are suffering. In 2008, UNICEF estimated that there were over 132 million orphans in the world. Those are truly orphans with no mother, father or permanent family. My pain seems so minimal compared to those little girls in Thailand (AND ATLANTA) who are in the sex trade. UNICEF also estimates that 1 Million children are brought into the sex industry every year. My pain is small in comparison to those who lost their entire families in the Rwandan massacres in 1994. GOD BREAK MY HEART FOR THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOURS! The pain and sorrows are too great and numerous for me to count, let alone bear. Jesus Christ DID bear all of these pains for us on the cross. Please do not let the commonness of His name in our culture or the simplicity of the message keep you from knowing the reality and depth of what He has done.

Isaiah 53: 3-5
He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried;Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.
Jesus knows the depths of pain. He understands anything that you could possibly have ever walked through. He loves you and has already completed what was necessary for you to walk without the burden of pain (His death on the cross).

He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Malachi 4:2 says The Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings for you people who fear my name. You will go out and leap like calves let out of a stall. Not too long ago, I saw a farmer enter his field with a hay bale... I could not believe how fast those cows could run and even leap! When I read this verse and God reminded me of that visual, I was overwhelmed with joy. No matter what your burden is, HE IS ENOUGH. He alone satisfies the desires of all men. He alone can heal the heart. A friend told me how she grows so much in the trials of life that she almost welcomes them!

1 Peter 1:6,7 "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ". The proof of your faith is more precious than gold which is perishable. OF COURSE, I wish that it hadn't cost so much for me to be laid bare before Him without any other props or hopes or helps in this world. I can with full conviction say that He really is enough. This world has nothing for me. I understand the futility of life. It is so short. My sufferings are so insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us through either death or His returning.

My heart really is that if you know Jesus, that you would pursue Him harder, the Word is living and active. It is the greatest way He speaks to us. If you feel Him drawing you, drop everything and respond. We, who are His, are passing through this world. Our citizenship isn't here... let's not live like it is. Let's be a living example of who Jesus is! He wants a pure bride who is mature and complete. Our rewards from sitting at His feet are immeasurable on this earth much less in heaven. Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy!

If you do not know Him... and this is how the Bible defines KNOWING (By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked. 1 John 2:3-6) ...then please consider your own mortality. There is ONE guarantee for every man ever born. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. I am going to die. Most of us assume that will come late in life, and for the majority of people I know that is the case. Please seek Him out. Seek out His Word.

Acts 4:12 says there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved.

Romans 10:9-11 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. For the Scripture says, “WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.”
I HONESTLY had no intent to go this direction with the post. I really was going to make it "all about the babies". I am trusting that this is where the Holy Spirit led it for a reason. If you hear His voice today... please do not harden your heart against Him. If you are having trouble understanding or believing... ask Him to open your eyes and heart so that you can trust. If you have any questions, I would have no greater honor on this earth than to help you in your spiritual journey. Many of the things God is doing in my life is a direct result from drawing near to Him in my pain from my husband's death. Scott's life was a testimony of God and to God, it is my prayer that his death will in part lead many to the foot of the cross.
Back to the kids... if you made it this far :) Here are a few pictures.

Refine Me!!!

2009-03-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

I recently saw this picture when I visited a friend’s house. He works in the timber industry and explained that every three years they burn the ground where the pines have been planted to burn anything that would compete with the pines. I didn’t think much else about it, but that it was a cool picture. While I was praying Saturday night at The Well, the worship leaders began singing “Fresh fire, burn the dross away” and this picture popped back into my mind. Dross is the impurity that needs to be separated from valuable metals when they go through the refining process. I have more than once felt God calling me to purge my life in pursuit of holiness and intercede that His bride, the church, would be purged and purified as well. As I thought of this picture/imagery the Lord was using, I thought about the pretty flowers that would also be consumed in the process and immediately I thought about 1 Corinthians 10:23 that says, “All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.” I really believe sometimes in this process of purification, we have to lay down things that in and of themselves are not wrong or sin, but that might hinder us in the Lord. He wants our heart posture to be willing to lay all at His feet, even those things which may be earthly "rights". We who are His, have traded in our citizenship and are only in transient! I love in Luke 10:42 that Jesus said of Mary only ONE thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her. Martha was actively serving the Lord and yet His praise was for the one who was willing to sit at His feet. The first few verses in the beginning of John 15 talk about this “pruning” principle; every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 1 Peter 1:6-7 talks about the pain and prize of this process. “In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious that gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ”. This morning I was reading in The Pursuit of God, by Tozer (p.103), about how by our mouths we speak of Him being exalted in our lives; but our actions say something different.

“Millions call themselves by His Name, it is true, and pay some token of respect to Him, but a simple test will show how little He is really honored among them. Let the average man be put to the proof on the question of who is above, and his true position will be exposed. Let him be forced into making a choice between God and money, between God and men, between God and personal ambition, God and self, God and human love, and God will take second place every time. Those other things will be exalted above. However the man may protest, the proof is in the choices he makes day after day throughout his life. “Be thou exalted” is the language of victorious spiritual experience.”

I want to know Him as I am known. I know, more in this season of life than ever, that what I do in the day to day matters not only in the ‘here and now’, but it greatly matters for eternity. My works will be tested and revealed with fire (1 Cor 3:13). I want to bring Him glory on this earth and hear well done good and faithful servant one day.
LORD! Would You give us the hearts to ask for and welcome the refining fire. Let us be willing to lay aside the things that hinder love, even those things that might not be wrong or sin. Prune our hearts so that we can abide in the vine and become more like you. Restore MY heart Lord to the greatest commandment. Let me let go of my will, my ambitions and my desires and have a heart that says Be Exalted!

It’s almost as though this love and surrender thing is a cycle. We know His love and are compelled to surrender more, then more of His love is revealed… so we surrender more etc. What a gift and prize we have in Him if we’d be willing to give Him all of ourselves as He did for us. 2 Peter 3:14b “Be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless and blameless”. My favorite part is what I will end with. It is impossible that we could attain perfection this side of eternity, but Tozer addresses this so beautifully. “Now set over against this (those who willfully chose their own way), almost any Bible character who honestly tried to glorify God in his earthly walk. See how God winked at weakness and overlooked failures as He poured upon His servants grace and blessing untold…The man of God set his heart to exalt God above all; God accepted his intention as fact and acted accordingly. Not perfection, but holy intention made the difference.”

Longing

2009-03-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

In the end of January, I went to a leadership conference for those who are participating in the prayer movement. It was a good time of teaching. One of the speakers talked about really longing for Christ's return. He used the analogy of how his wife really longs for his return especially when he is gone from home too long. He said his sons might say nothing more than "Dad, when are you coming home? Hurry ok" but his wife's longing is more evident in her words and tone. Her words are marked with a persistent, earnest desire.

I am well acquainted with longing. So much of me longs for things to be the way they were. I long for that silent assurance that came with being Scott's wife. The idea that no matter what happened, I would never be alone in anything. I miss his friendship, I miss him fathering our children, I miss his humor. In so many ways, I am one that hates the mundane, but I would love for one mundane day with him. I've never thought much about longings. Most of my christian walk has been absent of longing for Jesus. In this season, He is revealing Himself more and more and showing me His love for me. Psalm 145:16 says He opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing.

I understand more that all of creation and even we ourselves groan and suffer the pains of childbirth, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons and the redemption of our body (Romans 8: 23). 2 Corinthians 5:4-5, 8-9 says "For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge. I say and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I am realizing that you can't long for that which you do not know. I haven't longed for His return because of my lack of knowing Him and experiencing His love. A song I've heard is so true, the more I seek You the more I find You, The more I find You, the more I love You. I know that there was a major transformation that took place in my life when I put my trust in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins 12 years ago. I also know that I have for years been wanting depth, but have lacked the discipline to be in the word and to really seek Him until I found Him. I am so thankful for His goodness and grace in saving me and keeping me. I also know that things can never go back to being the way they were. Jesus wants to be known. This is no sacrifice on our part. Letting go of the imitations of this passing world to gain Him and be made like Him is our prize, our reward. I wish that these lessons hadn't come at such a great cost, but I want the Lord to use them not just for me but others as well. For those of us in Christ Jesus, we have been bought with a price (His precious blood) and we are no longer our own. He is our Lord, and He lets us know Him as a husband. (Isa. 54:5) If we first restore the great commandment (Matt 22:37) to love the Lord with all of our hearts, souls and minds. Then we will naturally be found watching, waiting and hastening the day of the Lord (2 Peter 3:12). My personal aim is to learn what it is to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him, for in losing my life I will find it. I am longing for more of Him in this life through the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, but toward the end of being in His presence for eternity, whether eventually through death or in His returning. I don't want to stand before Him and not know Him. I am pleading with you (and myself) to not waste THIS life and THIS time on yourself and the passing pleasures of this world.

Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us". Philippians 3:20-21 "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory."

I know that He alone can satisfy my longings. The longing in my heart for my husband and the longing to be in the presence of God, in this life/present age and the one to come! COME LORD!

John Piper has a sermon that shows how fasting and longing for His return work together.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/1995/900_Fasting_for_the_Kings_Coming/

Link to the song The More I Seek You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZfsxydxEXA

I really do so appreciate those of you who are still praying for me and my children. It has been a rough couple of days emotionally but even in it He is so near. Thank you so much.

Intimacy

2009-02-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

I love my journeys in the car. They are seldom without Eliya and Simeon competing to see who can make the loudest noise in the backseat; which is actually really cute. Normally, my only alone car time is the 15 minute commute from my mom’s house to the class. All kinds of things take place mentally in this solitude. Often I daze off into a memory, which is awesome since I’m supposed to be paying attention while driving. Even today, I had a memory of Scott that made me laugh out loud, which was followed immediately with tears. I’m glad there is still a box of tissues in the car from the day of the memorial service. I am still amazed at how life can change so quickly. My struggles lately are in attempting to figure out who I am now. Life felt fairly certain before. I was well defined in my roles. Being a wife was one which defined not only the day to day, but the next 40+ years. Now thoughts of the future bring anxiety. I believe it is God’s will for me to rest in Him, in His love, daily. Lamentations 3:22 “The Lord’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”

There are many illustrations in marriage that can really draw us to the Lord. I hate that I didn’t see some of these sooner. In this more reflective season of life, I have been thinking a lot about intimacy. I actually looked it up to see how it is defined. Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Something that I quickly noticed after Scott passed away is how often I the thoughts, “Scott would think this… or Scott would say this…” would enter my head. For example, when going into a parking lot, I park away from other cars so they don’t hit the doors… because that is what Scott would say or do. When something is funny, I think about what his comments would be. When I meet someone new, I hear what I think his opinions would be. Before Scott, I never noticed “wheels” on a car, but through his teaching, I became good at discerning which were supposed to be cool. I knew him well enough that I was put in charge of choosing the Netflix movies. I could watch a preview or hear a song and decide fairly accurately if it was his taste or not. To a degree, his interests became my interests. We were becoming “one”. I guess similar to the saying that you begin to look alike after time. Now, Scott isn’t here and I am left to remember the past, ponder the present and wonder about the future. In all of this, God is making Himself known to me more and more. I am learning that just like with Scott, I can have intimacy with Him. I can know his thoughts. (Psalm 25:14) I can know His heart. He loves me and wants to reveal Himself to me. (John 14:21) It isn’t by accident that He chose the most intimate of human relationships as a picture of how we can know Him. It is my greatest prayer that I/we would have the discipline and desire to sit before Him and hear Him speak to us. Song of Solomon 7: 10

“I am my beloved’s, and His desire is for me!”

Another favorite song of mine by Misty Edwards

I am Yours

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. This was my on my birthday and two weeks after our first anniversary. We rafted the Nantahala that weekend and had such a great time.

I am so thankful for memories and pictures and how God is continuing to reveal Himself through the picture of human relationships.

Snuggly Simeon

2009-02-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

SIMEON. So very different than my firstborn. Eliya is independent and wants to do everything herself. She says, "I do it" at least 20 times a day. She likes to do as much as is possible all by herself. Simeon, on the other hand, loves to be held. He is a snuggler and hugger. He puts his arms around my neck and gets as close as is possible. It is difficult at times to have one so dependent. Often when he senses that I am going to put him down, he will wrap his hand around my hair to brace himself. He attempts to cling to me so that he can be held longer. It's very sweet, at times... It is great imagery for me though as God continues to speak parts of Psalm 63 over me. vs 8, My soul CLINGS to You; Your right hand upholds me. Oh that we would learn to CLING to HIM. I recognize my need for Him more in this season of life than ever, but I don't believe that my "need" is any greater now than it has ever been. I think I previously had false securities and distractions that made my perception of my need appear to be less.

Misty Edwards Song

Let Your fire burn, consuming me Let Your jealous flame come take away, everything,

Let your fire burn, consuming me Let Your jealous flame come and write your name upon my heart until all that remains, is the light of Your countenance. And I will be satisfied, when I awake as a lover of You!

Psalm 25:14 "The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him, and He will make them know His covenant." The Lord has secrets, intimacy that He wants me and you to know! In 1Corinthians 13 it says that now we see as in a mirror, dimly, but THEN face to face. Now we know in part but then we will know fully as we are fully known. The Lord really does know every thing about us (and He still loves us!). Not only that, but it is His desire for us to know Him. To know His secret thoughts and His heart.

I am on the journey of learning that there is no greater, worthwhile pursuit in this life than seeking Him out. The rewards of finding Him last FOREVER. In this season of my life, I am less concerned with things that will pass away. That God would realign the focus of the eyes of our hearts to Him!

Psalm 65:4 "How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You To dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple."

the good (days), the bad (days) and the beautiful (babies!)

2009-01-21T19:19:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been difficult. I am so thankful that the good days (in perspective) have far outweighed the bad ones. The good days are filled with awe at how much the Word is coming alive and knowing that the Lord loves me and is holding and guiding me with His mighty hand. I have gone back and forth between whether I am progressing normally, or simply in denial.

This week, my family came and organized some cabinets and a linen closet for me. It was a great help since my "giftings" definitely do not include organization! Scott was so sweet in that he never complained that 3/4 of the closet belonged to me and 5 out of the 7 drawers in our chest of drawers were filled with my things. His work clothes made their home in the hall linen closet. Occasionally he'd joke that Eliya had more closet space than him; although true, he meant it light-heartedly. So, my mom and aunt asked if they could organize the linen closet. The thought of his stuff being moved around did make me feel a little uncomfortable, but not to the point that I would say no. It will feel uncomfortable 2 months and 2 years from now as well. They boxed up his work stuff for the basement. I had them keep out a few of his chef coats that have "The Attic" written on them since this is what he wore the majority of our life together.

It wasn't until it was all said and done that the impact fell heavy on me. Scott is never going to wear those clothes again. He is never going to need his work clothes. Although this is not new information, something processed differently in me and it has been a difficult couple of days. I thought of a great analogy today for how it feels. When an amputee has the sensations for the limb that was removed they call it "phantom" sensations or pain. It is very metaphorically like half of me has been cut away, and my brain is pretending that it is still there. Although I don't consciously think "he's just at work", I know part of me has to be believing that. Like a wound that has just stopped bleeding and then you bump it, my heart aches more these days and that lump in my throat has returned. God is STILL good and will be my comfort through these days, and many more like these.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 62:5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God only. For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, o people; Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 63:7&8 (the whole psalm is good though)
For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

I do have to say the biggest blessing is the two beautiful babies that God has given me. It's hard to be sad in their presence. First of all because there is no time! Secondly, because they are just so beautiful and sweet. Here are a few glimpses of the faces I get to see everyday.

Characteristic of Simeon's temperament. What a joy!

Playing with Eliya

What beautiful blue eyes both babies got from their Daddy. See how Simeon's hair is curling around the edges?!

So pretty and big!

The Well: House of Prayer

2009-01-10T14:56:00.000-08:00

The Well
House of Prayer

This writing is an attempt to put down in words all of God’s leadings and the workings that brought us to The Well in Demorest, Georgia. On December 3rd of 2004, Scott and Jennifer Mason opened a small restaurant at 888 Central Ave, in Demorest, Ga. By June of 2006, they had outgrown the location and moved to a larger one in Clarkesville. It was at that time that Scott mentioned the desire for the original location to become a house of prayer. That location was unoccupied for 15 months. During that time, the restaurant went on in Clarkesville. In the Spring of 2007, Jennifer waited on a couple with a daughter who was in high-school. The daughter had a dream that she saw a sign outside of the old restaurant location that said “House of Prayer”. It was sitting on the porch and she got the impression from the dream that it signified that a house of prayer would be coming there. Remembering that Scott had earlier stated his desire for this same purpose, it seemed a little more than “ironic”.
By October of 2007, the Demorest location was set to be rented out as a coffee house. The location was still listed for sale as an investment property, now with a two year lessee. In August of 2008, an investor made a contract on the location and it seemed set to go. THE DAY, more specifically, only hours before the meeting with the lawyers to legally sign over the property, Scott received a voicemail from the tenant stating that he would be closing the doors that week. Once the investors heard this news they removed their offer. It definitely seemed like either really bad luck or God’s timing. Scott then again said that he wished it could become a house of prayer. Jennifer remembered the dream that the girl had over a year ago and wanted to make contact with that family but didn’t know their names. It was the end of September when she started inquiring from people who might know them. Jennifer found someone who knew who they were and tried sending out a few e mails to get their information. These returned empty. The person helping had the right family in mind but the wrong last name. Jennifer went out of town in the middle of October and when she returned Scott told her that a woman had called asking about the possibility of renting out the location for Bible Studies and prayer etc. As soon as Scott told Jennifer about the phone call, she realized that it was the same woman they had been searching for. Although Scott failed to save the number, with renewed zeal Jennifer was able to find her by the weekend.
Brad and Jayne Bradley thought they would be moving to Tennessee after the summer of 2008. They are the family with the daughter who had the dream about the old restaurant location. Brad and Jayne spent some time in August – September in Ft. Mill, South Carolina attending conferences and a house of prayer up there. At one conference on 8/08/08 it seemed that God was speaking a theme of ‘new beginnings’ over their life; which is interpreted to be a pattern in the Bible as the number 8. They felt this had something to do with their coming move. During this time of being away, it became clear that they would be returning to Clarkesville for a season. Jayne felt confused thinking that she was sensing the Lord moving concerning this new beginnings theme. On her way back into town after spending 6 weeks in S.C. she passed the old restaurant location in Demorest. She too remembered her daughters dream and jotted down the phone number on the for rent sign. It was at this point that she called Scott, not knowing that it was those who had the restaurant that still owned the building. Jayne knew that the Mason’s were believers from some conversations they had previously had, like the one concerning the house of prayer dream. It was that next weekend when Jennifer called Jayne in amazement that SHE had called Scott, WHILE Scott and Jennifer were actively looking for a way to find her and her husband. The conversation lasted at least an hour and left both Jennifer and Jayne buzzing and wondering at what the Lord had in store. Jayne asked God for confirmation, because almost one year prior it seemed that God was opening the door for something similar and it ended up fizzling out. God’s confirmation to Jayne happened as she passed the location in Demorest and noticed that the address was 888 Central Avenue. She had felt God speaking a theme of new beginnings earlier and now with all that had happened, THIS was definitely a confirmation. Scott and Jennifer Mason and Brad and Jayne Bradley decided that there were enough God prompts and leadings to walk through this open door in faith. The Masons and the Bradleys met the week before Thanksgiving and Scott mentioned that he liked the idea of setting a date goal and liked the idea of December 3rd since that was the date the original restaurant “The Attic” had been opened by him and Jennifer in 2004. All agreed that even if everything wasn’t ready, we wanted to just get in there and start meeting with God.

On the way back from Thanksgiving travels, Scott and Jennifer jotted down a purpose statement from the discussions with the Bradleys.
To create an environment separated for and dedicated to the purposes of worship and intercession.

To provide a place that aids believers in our community to deepen in intimacy to Jesus through worship and prayer.

To be a place that will have an intentional spiritual impact on people in our community through prayer.

We were all able to meet together on Monday December 1st and make plans and pray over the House of Prayer. On December 2nd Scott had an accident while cutting trees for fire wood. On December 3rd, the day that he had hoped we’d be able to begin the House of Prayer, he was able to really worship in Spirit and in Truth for the first time as God decided to bring him home. In God’s putting all things together so perfectly, it should be mentioned that the place where Scott really pursued prayer for the first time was in a prayer ministry over the high school students at the church where he found a relationship with Jesus in Lawrenceville. The then high school meeting area has since been purchased by the International House of Prayer in Atlanta. So the very place where Scott spent hours interceding is now set apart for that purpose.

For those of you who are still wondering what it is that happens at a House of Prayer, we worship and intercede (pray). There will be corporate prayer themes when we will all focus on a specific prayer theme like ‘Lord make us holy’ or ‘help us to know you more’. During these people will read Scriptures relating to the topic or pray about this. There will also be places for individuals to bring their Bibles and simply meet with God in an undistracted environment. As often as is possible, there will be live musicians leading the worship. The main goal is that this place will aid believers in returning to the great commandment through knowing and experiencing God’s love for us. When we begin to know how great the Father’s love for us is, we can fall deeper in love with Him. Then we can love Him with all of our hearts, souls and minds (Matthew 22:37).

To see a video of part of Scott’s testimony, please follow this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX8AMhIbims

To read more about the Mason family go to
Themasonfamilyjournal.blogspot.com

To help support what God is doing in Demorest and Habersham County in Georgia Please send a check to The Well, P.O. Box 1897, Clarkesville, Ga 30523

TO VIEW A 10 MINUTE DEMONSTRATION WHAT HAPPENS AT A HOUSE OF PRAYER FOLLOW THIS LINK http://cdn.zionnetworks.tv/tpr/promo/tpr_promo.html

It has been one month

2009-01-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

How do I begin to put into words what the past month without Scott has been like? Whirlwind, shocking, overwhelming, painful… these words skim the surface. Today is one month from the day of the accident. The last time I saw Scott, he was helping me get Simeon and Eliya into the car so I could leave for work. I was running late which is a common occurrence for me. I woke him up and asked if he could help me. He did almost every morning (again because I was often running late). He dressed Eliya and carried Simeon out to the car. He came back around to Eliya’s side to open her door, kiss her and tell her he loved her. He always did that too. Sadly, I can’t remember if we exchanged a quick peck or not. I most likely said “I love you” because I always did. As I backed away, I saw him going back inside to sleep for a little longer since he didn’t have to be up that early.

I long for a little more time. I wish I could even just change our last 48 hours. I know it doesn’t work that way and one of the lessons I have learned in recent seasons is wishing things in the past had been different doesn’t lead to a life of contentment. I cannot change what is in the past and I am at peace with that. I am now learning that I cannot dwell on tomorrow. That is truly God’s. I have spent way too much time thinking, plotting, planning and dreaming about the future. What a waste that has turned out to be. Who knew Matthew 6:34 should and could be applied so literally, “so do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”. Next month, much less five years from now is an overwhelming thought. I pray that I will never live for another day again.

In the midst of my deep sadness, I am so comforted when I think about what Scott’s day looks like, day in and day out. I am excited to know we can still have a shared experience. The more I am in God’s presence; I am, in a sense, where Scott is also. I am excited for him that he knows as he is fully known and that there are no hindrances for him that we still have to struggle with in our flesh and in this world. Those things really do bring great comfort, peace and even a sense of excitement. This life is like a vapor. Something I did struggle with was the fact that Scott laid in the woods for 4 and ½ hours dying. It really bothered me. I was playing back all of the things that I was doing during that time completely unaware. A dear friend reminded me that any momentary affliction is so small compared to the weight of glory that is on the other side of that. Oddly, God is using that for me as well. My light and momentary afflictions are going to produce for me an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

I know I have said it and I will continue to, I am so thankful in this season for the prayers of the saints, because God has so been pouring truth into me. I haven’t had to battle doubts, fears, anger and many of the things one would expect in these circumstances. I feel like God has every step along the way given me His truth and His words for me. In the beginning of this whole ordeal when I really just wished that I could hold Scott’s hand one more time and I thought, I’ll never get to do that again… God by His spirit said, “you can take mine”. I WILL.

Psalm 139: 7-10 “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL LEAD ME, AND YOUR RIGHT HAND WILL LAY HOLD OF ME!!”

I really have nothing else to say but God is good. Again, thank you for your prayers.
One of our favorite sermons is all the more applicable now. It is The Sufferings and Successes of Adoniram Judson by John Piper. Please listen to this and be changed.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1528/Audio/

The Lord sustains all who fall

2008-12-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

Psalm 145:14-21

The Lord sustains all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His deeds. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and save them. The Lord keeps all who love Him but all the wicked He will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord and all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever.

2008-12-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

First I would like to thank you all for the outpouring of love on our family. It has truly been awesome to see how many lives and hearts Scott has touched or impacted. I want you to know that if you were a part of Scott’s life, you have been prayed for by him. Whether you worked with him, or simply ate at the restaurant… You have been covered in prayer. Our purpose statement for the Attic was that people would sense the presence of God and encounter more than just another meal. That has also been the purpose statement of our lives.

The bible says that eternal life is in knowing the one true God and Jesus who he sent. In the midst of confusion and pain, I KNOW that Scott KNEW Jesus and is now with Him. That gives me great comfort. Scott knew Jesus more than being a regular church attendee and more than wearing a cross or having a fish logo on something. You can tell a tree by its fruit and by Scott’s fruit everyone knew that He really knew Jesus and walked with him. No one is perfect and God knows it is impossible for us to be on our own. Our heart condition has to be one that is listening and leaning into God. Scott had a very tender heart towards God and others. It would be his prayer that through his death those who know Jesus would press in and go deeper and for those of you who don’t know Jesus, who have already been prayed over by Scott, that this would be a defining moment in your spiritual journey. If you are in a place where you don’t even know what you believe about God or if there is a God, there is an illustration that has helped many. We can’t see the wind, but we can see the effects of the wind. The effects of God’s handprints have covered over Scott’s life.

I can’t explain or understand all of God’s timings, but I can say that in the midst of any circumstance, HE IS GOOD. I pray that as you hear from Scott’s heart that yours is stirred. Please see the video at the bottom of the blog. If you have any questions, I'd love to help you on your journey!

The bottom line of "Christianity"

2008-10-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

The Gospel

“There is no greater message to be heard than that which we call the Gospel. But as important as that is, it is often given to massive distortions or over simplifications. People think they’re preaching the Gospel to you when they tell you, ‘you can have a purpose to your life’, or that ‘you can have meaning to your life’, or that ‘you can have a personal relationship with Jesus.’ All of those things are true, and they’re all important, but they don’t get to the heart of the Gospel.

The Gospel is called the ‘good news’ because it addresses the most serious problem that you and I have as human beings, and that problem is simply this: God is holy and He is just, and I’m not. And at the end of my life, I’m going to stand before a just and holy God, and I’ll be judged. And I’ll be judged either on the basis of my own righteousness – or lack of it – or the righteousness of another. The good news of the Gospel is that Jesus lived a life of perfect righteousness, of perfect obedience to God, not for His own well being but for His people. He has done for me what I couldn’t possibly do for myself. But not only has He lived that life of perfect obedience, He offered Himself as a perfect sacrifice to satisfy the justice and the righteousness of God.

The great misconception in our day is this: that God isn’t concerned to protect His own integrity. He’s a kind of wishy-washy deity, who just waves a wand of forgiveness over everybody. No. For God to forgive you is a very costly matter. It cost the sacrifice of His own Son. So valuable was that sacrifice that God pronounced it valuable by raising Him from the dead – so that Christ died for us, He was raised for our justification. So the Gospel is something objective. It is the message of who Jesus is and what He did. And it also has a subjective dimension. How are the benefits of Jesus subjectively appropriated to us? How do I get it? The Bible makes it clear that we are justified not by our works, not by our efforts, not by our deeds, but by faith – and by faith alone. The only way you can receive the benefit of Christ’s life and death is by putting your trust in Him – and in Him alone. You do that, you’re declared just by God, you’re adopted into His family, you’re forgiven of all of your sins, and you have begun your pilgrimage for eternity.”

— R.C. Sproul

1 Colossians 1: 13-17

2008-10-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son,

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -all things have been created through Him and for Him.

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

He is also head of the body, the church ; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.

For it was the Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him,

and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross ; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.