My Confidence Restored

Imagine with me that 700+ people join an internet group, loosely committing to buy a raffle ticket to help raise money. That would represent $7,000 and in a perfect world, they all buy a ticket and tell at least two friends. That ends up being $21,000! Wow, the prayer movement just got a big boost!... well, that's not exactly how it went. I started the raffle, and after the first week, there was only $2,000 in the account. I then decided to extend the raffle for two more weeks and it slowly crept up. So my anxiety set in... not only will I not be able to bless the house of prayer, but in addition to that I am going to lose money by not getting what I could have if I had just SOLD the car instead of doing the whole raffle thing.

A completely separate set of circumstances opened the door for me to go on an 11 day missions trip to Costa Rica for very little money (July 22-Aug 2 if you want to pray for me and my family). I had been asking the Lord for an opportunity to go overseas for a short term trip soon and this opportunity came up. The majority of the way was paid for me to go on this trip so I prayed about the opportunity and timing and really felt the "green light" was there from the Lord. Then there was a travel miscommunication and the Atlanta/Houston ticket I bought was completely unusable because my ticket to Costa Rica was booked from Mississippi to Houston to Costa Rica (MS is where the rest of the team is out of). So, my purchased ticket is useless (can apply the credit to travel in future... for a fee of course :) ), but I had still had no way to Mississippi or back. I finally got it all worked out, but not without stress and frustration and more money.

The raffle was tanking, and instead of making money from the car for the House of Prayer, I was loosing money on tickets that I couldn't use! I seriously started thinking, do I even know how to hear His voice at all?! I felt like everything I touched became poisoned.... like when you spray round up to kill all of the weeds, but this was obviously not intentional! For several days, I just felt that nagging anxiety, frustration and oppression of those situations. The sermon series at church was on cultivating joy and I could tell I wasn't following the recipe too well! I have begun to judge if I am "in the Spirit" or "in the flesh" by Romans 8:5-7, the mind set of the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. I definitely knew that I was not walking according to the Spirit and knew that it was a spiritual battle, but felt stuck.

A friend called me and I casually mentioned the oppression I felt stuck in. She started praying for me on the phone and the stress, frustration, anxiety funk left immediately!! I was so immensely grateful to her and to the Lord that I really felt free to know that the raffle REALLY WAS in God's hands. It was as though I heard the Lord saying that what I considered "successful" for the raffle wasn't necessarily the same as His gauge for measuring. I began to believe that He was going to accomplish everything that HE wanted accomplished through it! If I personally lost money or if The Well didn't receive what I had hoped, He could meet those needs in completely different ways...without me or my little raffle being involved! What a great God; He truly loves me in my weakness and immaturity!

I love that the call to walk in faith like a child keeps resurfacing in my life. Why do I continually choose to put myself under a burden and stress that is unnecessary. It is so freeing to let Him have it ALL and to enjoy Him. As I wrote that, I thought about the fact that for MANY marriages, the issue of finances is what causes the most stress, tension and arguments. Our relationship with the Lord has been set in that bridal imagery in the Word. How much more am I able to simply enjoy Him when I trust Him daily?

The awesome part is that after I really felt free to believe that how the raffle went was no indication of it's success... because He will accomplish His purposes through it, the Lord really blessed us at The Well on Saturday night. A team from Korea with Youth with a Mission came and were a real blessing in many ways. We wanted to take up an offering for them, but they ended up blessing us immensely when just before they left they told us they pray and obey and the Lord wanted to bless us through THEM. They gave us enough money to cover two months mortgage at The Well!

I just want to say God is good! What an awesome affirmation that experience was! He is freeing me from the world, the approval of man and even my own weakness and faulty expectations. I would gladly follow You step by step daily than to have a 5 year plan for my life! You capture my heart and fascinate me with Your love! What an adventure we are on together!

this is the only copy of this song I could find... this one the Lord has used several times now to really show me Himself in an intimate way. Love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lMYAF6myqc

Father's day

I was putting some pictures together of Scott as a way to remember him and honor him today. Scott really was a GREAT father. He had a ton of patience and was very attentive when interacting with the babies. He could hear what seemed like non-stop crying and it wouldn't stress him out. When they were newborns and I was at home all day with them, he would return from many hours of working and still help me as I passed a crying infant off to him desperation.

I love my earthly father. I especially love who the Lord is making him into. It's awesome and incredible to see his heart becoming more like Jesus'. I never thought too much about the "fatherless". My thoughts used to initially go to aids orphaned children in Africa. These days, I think more about the many fathers that, at best, are distant. Many are absent. I know this doesn't only apply to fathers who are physically absent, but this is said to be the plague of the generation; fatherless homes.

I remember one time I was in Wal-Mart and I saw a (very) pregnant girl and I noticed she didn't have a ring on her finger. I made an assumption (sounds better than judgement right?) about her and her lifestyle and choices. Then the many joys of pregnancy fell upon me too, and my fingers were swollen to the point that my ring didn't fit. Yup... I'm sure you see where I'm going. Even where I find myself in life now, I can't help but wonder how people will perceive me. When I meet someone for the first time who finds that I'm not married but that I have two children, their assumptions will surely be that I am divorced or that I was never married to start with. I wouldn't have even thought of myself to be "judgemental". I am thankful that Jesus has revealed my heart to me. I continually want to be reminded that all of my "righteousness" is like filthy rags before Him. There is no one righteous, not even one (Rom 3:10).

I love this story in Luke 7
36Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."

Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners. The "righteous" and religious asked His disciples why he ate with people like this. Jesus said it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Mk 2: 14-18). It was for sinners that Jesus came (1 Tim 1:15-16).

This is the beauty and romance of the Gospel. Romans 5:7-9
7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him.

While Jesus was in the garden praying before He died for our sins, He prayed to God calling Him Abba, an Aramaic word which is translated Daddy!
As His children, we receive a Spirit of sonship by which we cry out Daddy! (Romans 8:15)

Galatians 4: 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son.

In weak words, my heart and spirit want to connect this Father, DADDY, heart of God and the overwhelming love He has for us weak, broken, sinners. Father's day was a bit difficult around our house today. The absence of a really good father on this earth was felt, but the presence of a Great Heavenly Daddy was here. This Daddy will never leave you or forsake you. His love endures forever. He is an ever present help in times of trouble. He takes in all who turn to Him... and especially loves those "sinners" who have a great need for Him.
I pray that you had time this Father's Day to reflect on the One who loves you perfectly and pursues you relentlessly. I hope that the love of the Father becomes more present in my life and through my life as I (a sinner) live and walk in this world of sinners. Lord, let me see people through your eyes and love with your heart!

Below is a video of Jason Upton singing about the Father heart of God. Jason was adopted into a family and understands better than most our adoption into God's family through the work of Jesus on the cross. Jason Upton was also Scott's favorite worship leader.

Reader discretion advised!

I have been thinking about our fast paced, microwave society. I am so much a part of it too! Last year, I decided I wanted to plant flowers and thought I could put seeds in the ground and have flowers the same season. I was informed that you plant for the next season; normally, plant in the spring to see “harvest” in the fall. Otherwise, you buy the flowers that are already blooming and plant them. As silly as it sounds, the principle that everyone who has ever planted anything knows, there is a season of sowing that precedes the reaping. I did have a surprise blessing last year, some petunias popped up and I didn’t sow for them. It was God’s grace and gift. Sometimes we get to reap from another’s labor, but that’s a whole different topic! Back to my part in our culture; I literally never even push the time 2.00 minutes and start on the microwave. Mine has a “quick minute” feature that from one push it sets it to a minute and starts it automatically. The beauty of tevo or dvr is that you can fast forward through commercials and things you don’t want to see. You can record an hour long show and watch it in 35 minutes minus commercials. Even at Six Flags, you can get some sort of fast pass and spend an hour running to all of the different rides you want to get on, reserving it in a sense, and then come back to it to wait in line for a reduced amount of time. Our culture is filled with short-cuts and it’s no wonder that we “labor” in prayer or seeking the Lord for short seasons, lack perseverance and get weary quickly.

Most of you know I am in a season of pruning, purging, refining and healing. So many times I find myself telling the Lord, let this be over soon. There are so many times that I am literally energized and exhilarated by what He is doing that I am in such a good place spiritually and emotionally. The grief monster is seemingly always lurking though and it has become that I can see it a few days out. I haven’t succumbed to it in the same way or depth recently as I have in the past, but my wounds are still present and painful. I’m tired of going there and rehashing what seems well enough to be hidden under the bandage. Exposing it again and again every few weeks only seems to irritate it. God has been giving me a very vivid picture for how this process must play out.

This is where READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. When I was 15 years old, my appendix ruptured. I had it removed, but the three inch long, one and a half inch wide wound had to be left opened for several days to remove all of the infected and damaged tissue. The first time after surgery that the nurses came to clean it, it felt like a steal scrubbing thing you use for the really dirty dishes. It was extremely painful. They had to come every few hours to clean it and once I was aware how painful it was, I cried at least 30 minutes BEFORE they came in anticipation of the pain. In essence, what I want many times is for the Lord to “sew me up” without letting the course of healing take place. I am saying, go ahead and just put something over it… it’ll be okay. If the infection is left, it will continue to cause other healthy tissue to rot as well.

I am aware of this spiritually. I want to be the Jeremiah 17:7-8 tree whose roots go down deep into the water, stays green in every season and is not anxious during drought but continues to bear fruit… but without the season of pruning that is necessary. I am thankful that the Lord knows that the real position in my heart is YES LORD, have your way in my life. Don’t stop pruning. Like the good physician, he knows that if he relents under my cries of pain, that the job will not be sufficient. Even gold has to be put through the fire to be rid of it’s impurities. John 12:24 says unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit. It is the pattern of the Kingdom for us to lose our lives to save it, to decrease so that He can increase, to share in the sufferings of Christ, to take up our cross and follow Him. Although the weight of this work He is doing is at times a hard pill to swallow, He knows that by His spirit in me, my greater desire is that He leaves no remnant of infection. My great temptation is to pretend like the wound isn’t there and to set my gaze on the destination rather than the journey. I understand how one would be tempted to fill this season with busyness … I received advice from many to “keep busy” to make the absence of my husband less difficult. The better advice is to stay at His feet until the healing and deeper work is complete… and then, stay at His feet some more because He is good. He is kind in all His ways and righteous in all His deeds and He satisfies the desire of every living thing (Psalm 145: 14-20).

I want to end with a few verses and an exhortation to wait upon the Lord. My wound happens to be directly related to Scott’s death, although I know the Lord is cleaning and purifying me in every area of my life. I have recently been thinking about the “infections” of bitterness and unforgiveness specifically although I know there are many more than could be named. I know that these, if just covered or masked, will continue to infect other good tissue. They must be dealt with and we have to be in a position of asking for and giving permission to The Healer to come and work in these areas even as painful as it might be.

Psalm 36: 7-9
How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house; and You give them to drink of the river of Your delights. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.
I hope that with whatever season the Lord d has you in, you can look at it from His perspective and be thankful in all things.

FAITH

I’ve taken the plunge! Jumped without a net, casted caution to the wind… I’m out of my mind! I feel (very minimally) like Paul, if I am out of my mind it is for the sake of God! 2 Cor 5:13 God is doing a new thing and it is incredible, scary, fun, terrifying and a gift all at the same time. I’ll dive right on in!





I will have to take you back just a little way to get the whole picture. I realize I can become “long winded” when blogging, so I am going to try to do the abridged version. I first met Jesus at 15 years old in Prattville, Alabama. He was and has been what my heart longs for. St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they find rest in You”. I began to follow Him then and I haven’t looked back (by the grace of God). Shortly after my transformation began, I saw missionaries for the first time at a conference and felt like I realized the purpose for my life. I then pursued a Christian education in Missiology/Cross-Cultural Studies at Toccoa Falls College. I met Scott after college and about the same time I was planning to go to China. After a few months in China, Scott came and proposed that we do life together. After we married, we pursued returning to China, but it wasn’t God’s timing and the door was closed for us. I have grown to appreciate that God knows better than I do. With the little bit of maturity that has come since and through that experience, I know His ways are higher than mine. He is good. That journey will have to be a whole separate blog, but suffice to say I learned how to surrender my will and agenda to the Lord in great measure through that experience.





I think our introduction to the prayer movement was through Jason Upton’s music. That type of music is called prophetic or spontaneous worship. One of his songs is listed on the blog, “In Your Presence”; make sure you listen to it. When I realized that there were LOTS of believers that had REAL, active prayer lives that consisted of more than running down a list of people and things to pray for, I was in awe and shock. I’ve read about people from generations past with these kinds of active faith/prayer lives, but hadn’t experienced it myself. Learning to really worship Him, in His presence, and to hear the Holy Spirit and pray what’s on His heart seemed revolutionary. I realized that “practicing His presence” is something that I can LIVE in. Learning how to restore the greatest commandment, “to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength” to the first place and greatest priority of my life became paramount. I can’t DO for the Lord until I first know how to BE in Him and before Him. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:4 I’m not suggesting we wait until we have become perfected to do anything… but that we make the FIRST part, first (Love Him) and the second part second (Love Others).





Now that the Lord has established The Well, I have had the opportunity to have a place to dive in and be free(er) from distractions and begin to really seek Him… and FIND HIM. The first time I felt the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart concerning making this prayer thing, THE THING for this season of my life was late January. I just pondered it, but didn’t really do anything about it. In the past several weeks, it has become more pressing. I tried to talk myself out of it and convince myself that it was my idea and not the Lord’s leading, but to no avail. I really enjoy my job teaching English as a second language. I love my students, they have become great friends. The hours are great, 20 hours a week in 3 days. With all of these “pros” I felt the internal struggle to trust that I was hearing correctly. I was very restless feeling like I knew WHAT He was asking of me and not having yet yielded myself completely. So, without really planning to, I told my boss that I thought that God is leading me to invest my time before Him in the house of prayer. In God’s goodness, the first person I told was affirming. I do struggle some with being a man pleaser, but do I ever LOVE to please my heavenly Father. There is nothing like His affirmation over me so I will seek that over man’s opinion any day.





Now I find myself as the head of my house hold and the one responsible for these two precious babies. By all “logic” it doesn’t make sense to quit my job in this economy and with my financial situation, but I know that there is no safer place in every regard including financially, than to be in His perfect will. I heard a great sermon recently on Noah and am stunned by his faith. When Noah built the ark, it had NEVER rained before. It likely took him about 100 years to construct this 4 story boat. Peter called him a preacher of righteousness, but his only “converts” in the time it took to build the ark were his family. After his family and the animals all loaded up, it STILL didn’t rain for 7 days, yet they had faith to remain and wait and it saved them all. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with these stories of faith and verse 6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” I will walk in faith and obedience as much as I know how to and will continue to seek His will and wisdom in all things. There are more questions than answers at this point, but He is faithful. He will provide for our every need. I am excited that He has given me just enough faith to follow Him in this new season. He is teaching me to trust Him for everything and has put me on the “fast track” to die to my flesh in the area of finances. I am learning that a way to overcome fear in finances is to GIVE. It is exciting to learn to give out of need and not just overflow. I am trusting that I will be able to share stories of His provisions and power in my new faith journey that will increase your faith. I know I am always encouraged when I hear of how God moves in other people’s lives that walk in faith.





If you have a story to share of how He has been faithful to you or stories you have heard of, PLEASE write it here. I will probably need them to draw from in the days ahead J. Let us be mutually encouraged by one another’s faith! Rom 1:12



(so much for abridged!)

Ouch!

Ouch!

What is often bittersweet has been way more bitter than sweet this week. I don’t know the whys behind how grief operates. I honestly feel like things can be stable and maintained and then something triggers the fall that results in days of trying to get myself back together. Sounds a lot like Humpty dumpty doesn’t it?… sounds a bit like my heart as well. “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again”…but I KNOW that the KING Himself can put my heart back together.

I often think that every part of me that dies through this experience (not only this but all of those ‘deaths’ we die in the Christian walk) He will resurrect with more of the life of Jesus Christ. While that is incredible, that the Creator of the universe can weave the supernatural with the natural, it doesn’t make it any less painful. One of the big triggers is the closet. I don’t touch or look at his clothes very often… but I do think about how I need to get my winter stuff out of there to make more space. Scott used to joke that he had 1/8th of the closet and still I needed that space too. Well, that hasn’t changed! Every time I consider doing the winter-summer swap and taking the majority of his things out, it sends me into a tailspin. Another is needing to mow the lawn. A strange combination of pride and independence (and who knows what else) keeps me from wanting anyone else doing this. The basement is such a reminder of him. All of these tools and things that I have never had to touch are down there. I didn’t find the gas can and I am certain that Scott would be able to go right to it. I don’t think words can describe the wounds revealed from what should be simple tasks.

The amazing thing is that I have realized that there is healing in interceding for people with REAL injustices. My best day this week was when my heart broke over someone/something else. One of my students and I were talking about child sex trafficking. The deep pains that sin and evil leave in its wake are unfathomable…even to me in the midst of my own “suffering”. http://www.innocenceatlanta.org/about is a site about this problem in Atlanta, Ga. It is so easy to not read about, talk about and educate ourselves about these great injustices because it is painful to do so. If you call yourself a Christian and do indeed follow Him, you care about what He cares about and your heart breaks for the things that break His. If you do read about this problem I pray that your heart will break and that it will lead to intercession. I am praying that the Lord will bring justice, freedom and healing for these children and that He will return to bring His Righteousness and Justice to the Earth! I am going to end with one of the passages that I have recently been reading and gaining strength from. You can read it here or look it up in your own time… it’s a long one :)

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pangs of death surrounded me, and the pangs of hell laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. The I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered m soul from death, My eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." In my haste, I said, "all men are liars".

What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death f His saints. O Lord, truly I am Your servant; the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call upon the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem

Praise the Lord!

Sharing a little more of Scott

Sharing More of Scott: April 21st

There were so many things about Scott that many people were surprised to hear once they got to know him. I want to celebrate some of those wonderful and surprising things that were in him, especially now on his birthday.

Scott loved music. He was a drummer in high school, and afterward with Drum Corps International (DCI). I loved sometimes when in the kitchen at the restaurant he would take two knives and start drumming/cutting food with them. He also loved live music. When we were on our honeymoon in Cancun, we went to this club that had an American DJ/ mixer and he knew of the guy and absolutely loved it. I thought he would have been a really great “mixer” because he was such a great multi-tasker and could envision things and make them happen.

Scott applied for Top Chef, the reality cooking show. He didn’t get accepted, but it was fun to make the video for that and it will be nice to have that for the kids later in life.

Scott was a vegetarian. He didn’t eat most of the food that he cooked at the restaurant. He knew when things were right by smell and touch. He could touch a steak and know what temperature it was. Amazing.

He was the president of his fraternity, Sigma Chi, his last year of school. He graduated Cum Laud and did so in 3 ½ years. He graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice. I think one of his many dreams was to be an undercover agent for the FBI. He loved any movies or reality shows that had to do with “agent” type work.

Scott was in the application process with the Border Patrol to be an agent. To start the application process, you have to take a reasoning test and language acquisition test. The pass rate for this test the first time was really low (40% I think) and so Scott returned and told me he did well… I pulled out of him that he got a 96! He had completed all of the application process (a 4-6 month ordeal), had a private investigator fact checking and lacked only a urine test. We were preparing mentally for the real possibility of moving to the border.

He was extremely good at discerning character. He was quiet and liked to observe people and situations before jumping in.

He was an AMAZING father. He really loved his kids. He had supernatural amounts of patience, for both them and me. Crying and whining stress me out, but Scott would patiently and calmly deal with situations. When he was at home, he more than shared the load with the kids and I so appreciated that in him.

He had a romantic heart, which included flying to China to propose to me. He was best at expressing himself in writing, and even in art at times.

He was kind, compassionate, patient, generous, a hard worker, full of love and full of life. He loved God and loved to worship.

I wish I had made affirming and honoring him more of a priority when he was alive. I will just end with a little encouragement, especially to the wife, to encourage and affirm your husband. Not just to him, but to those around you. I know there are times when that isn’t the easiest thing to do, when water gets under the bridge etc., but I think what it does in a man’s heart is great and it is obedience to the Lord to honor your husband. Instead of focusing on the negative, please take the intentional opportunity to affirm the positive things in him (and those around you) today. We really aren’t promised tomorrow.

Lord, thank you for the amazing gift you gave me for 5 years in Scott. Seal those sweet, fond and fun memories in my heart forever. Please help me to live a life of no regrets with those that are in my life. Give me a heart and mouth that builds up, encourages and affirms!

Now for a few fun pictures...

Apparently in this one, he and a friend pranked another friend who worked at a drug store by letting this chicken loose in the store!

Remembering...

Remembering Scott
I can’t believe it’s ONLY been four months since he died. It feels like it has been much, much more painfully long a time than that. I’ve said before that more than anything I have lost my best friend in the world. I can’t believe that I took for granted being loved and understood. He knew me so well that he could read my mood from body language and read my heart from only a glance. I guess that’s often the case, that you don’t realize what you have until its absence makes it overwhelmingly obvious. I have time and time again thought about how this experience went for Jesus’ disciples. They had HIM with them, day in and day out. His presence, His words and His love were so very present with them daily. Then, suddenly, He was killed. Those days before He made His resurrected appearance must have been horrendous. The feelings of lost hope and the great despair were likely unrelenting. Then He showed Himself and walked among them before He ascended, with the promise to return. I can only imagine what inexpressible and awesome joy overtook them when they heard His voice and saw His body after He was crucified. I dreamed once that Scott was still alive. In my dream, I knew that he was hurt and weak, but he was alive. I remember the way he smiled when I saw him. It was one of those strange dreams that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I knew in that dream that he had died, but I was overcome with elation that he was in fact alive. I know that we will see him (and all of those who we have lost in the faith) again. I don’t understand exactly what that will look like. I often picture Scott worshiping Jesus. I know my imagination is too weak to even create a scenario that does justice. I’m sure my best attempts pale in comparison to the glory of heaven and the elation that Scott has before the King. Scott LOVED music and worshipping Him here, so I can only imagine how His days must be filled with gazing at the beauty of the Lord. I am jealous. It doesn’t seem fair that while he is in the fullness of His presence for eternity, I have to figure out how to walk through what seems like an eternity of the random ball of emotions that I can’t even seem to name. Even so I am comforted that I don’t have to do it alone. I have already mentioned how this whole experience has stirred emotions in me that I have never felt. Although my heart is raw, the Lord builds best with raw materials. In thinking about what the disciples experienced, and my present experiences, in some ways I feel like I am in that time in between the death and the resurrection emotionally. I feel this way in many ways, I have lost Scott, but I will see him again. In the midst of loss, God makes all things new and brings beauty from ashes. Although Jesus has been raised, I have to wait for His return to know Him fully as I am known. His death and resurrection paved the way for the redemption of all of humanity that believed. We know that all who have died will be resurrected from their earthly bodies and judged by God. Until the day of His return or our own death, we are in the mixed emotion position of grieving but with anticipation and of groaning in our mortal flesh yet with hopeful expectation. I am confident in the promises of the Lord. We will be reunited with those we have loved and lost, but most importantly, we will be united for eternity with the One who is Love Himself.

I read this from one of John Piper’s blog contributors and really liked the perspective it was written from concerning what it was like for Jesus’ disciples

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1711_I_Will_Never_Believe/

I also recently heard this (also from John Piper’s resources) about one man’s perspective and response to suffering loss. I was encouraged by it and hope you take the time to listen.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2001/55_To_Be_a_Mother_Is_a_Call_to_Suffer/