FAITH

I’ve taken the plunge! Jumped without a net, casted caution to the wind… I’m out of my mind! I feel (very minimally) like Paul, if I am out of my mind it is for the sake of God! 2 Cor 5:13 God is doing a new thing and it is incredible, scary, fun, terrifying and a gift all at the same time. I’ll dive right on in!





I will have to take you back just a little way to get the whole picture. I realize I can become “long winded” when blogging, so I am going to try to do the abridged version. I first met Jesus at 15 years old in Prattville, Alabama. He was and has been what my heart longs for. St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they find rest in You”. I began to follow Him then and I haven’t looked back (by the grace of God). Shortly after my transformation began, I saw missionaries for the first time at a conference and felt like I realized the purpose for my life. I then pursued a Christian education in Missiology/Cross-Cultural Studies at Toccoa Falls College. I met Scott after college and about the same time I was planning to go to China. After a few months in China, Scott came and proposed that we do life together. After we married, we pursued returning to China, but it wasn’t God’s timing and the door was closed for us. I have grown to appreciate that God knows better than I do. With the little bit of maturity that has come since and through that experience, I know His ways are higher than mine. He is good. That journey will have to be a whole separate blog, but suffice to say I learned how to surrender my will and agenda to the Lord in great measure through that experience.





I think our introduction to the prayer movement was through Jason Upton’s music. That type of music is called prophetic or spontaneous worship. One of his songs is listed on the blog, “In Your Presence”; make sure you listen to it. When I realized that there were LOTS of believers that had REAL, active prayer lives that consisted of more than running down a list of people and things to pray for, I was in awe and shock. I’ve read about people from generations past with these kinds of active faith/prayer lives, but hadn’t experienced it myself. Learning to really worship Him, in His presence, and to hear the Holy Spirit and pray what’s on His heart seemed revolutionary. I realized that “practicing His presence” is something that I can LIVE in. Learning how to restore the greatest commandment, “to love the Lord with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength” to the first place and greatest priority of my life became paramount. I can’t DO for the Lord until I first know how to BE in Him and before Him. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. John 15:4 I’m not suggesting we wait until we have become perfected to do anything… but that we make the FIRST part, first (Love Him) and the second part second (Love Others).





Now that the Lord has established The Well, I have had the opportunity to have a place to dive in and be free(er) from distractions and begin to really seek Him… and FIND HIM. The first time I felt the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart concerning making this prayer thing, THE THING for this season of my life was late January. I just pondered it, but didn’t really do anything about it. In the past several weeks, it has become more pressing. I tried to talk myself out of it and convince myself that it was my idea and not the Lord’s leading, but to no avail. I really enjoy my job teaching English as a second language. I love my students, they have become great friends. The hours are great, 20 hours a week in 3 days. With all of these “pros” I felt the internal struggle to trust that I was hearing correctly. I was very restless feeling like I knew WHAT He was asking of me and not having yet yielded myself completely. So, without really planning to, I told my boss that I thought that God is leading me to invest my time before Him in the house of prayer. In God’s goodness, the first person I told was affirming. I do struggle some with being a man pleaser, but do I ever LOVE to please my heavenly Father. There is nothing like His affirmation over me so I will seek that over man’s opinion any day.





Now I find myself as the head of my house hold and the one responsible for these two precious babies. By all “logic” it doesn’t make sense to quit my job in this economy and with my financial situation, but I know that there is no safer place in every regard including financially, than to be in His perfect will. I heard a great sermon recently on Noah and am stunned by his faith. When Noah built the ark, it had NEVER rained before. It likely took him about 100 years to construct this 4 story boat. Peter called him a preacher of righteousness, but his only “converts” in the time it took to build the ark were his family. After his family and the animals all loaded up, it STILL didn’t rain for 7 days, yet they had faith to remain and wait and it saved them all. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with these stories of faith and verse 6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” I will walk in faith and obedience as much as I know how to and will continue to seek His will and wisdom in all things. There are more questions than answers at this point, but He is faithful. He will provide for our every need. I am excited that He has given me just enough faith to follow Him in this new season. He is teaching me to trust Him for everything and has put me on the “fast track” to die to my flesh in the area of finances. I am learning that a way to overcome fear in finances is to GIVE. It is exciting to learn to give out of need and not just overflow. I am trusting that I will be able to share stories of His provisions and power in my new faith journey that will increase your faith. I know I am always encouraged when I hear of how God moves in other people’s lives that walk in faith.





If you have a story to share of how He has been faithful to you or stories you have heard of, PLEASE write it here. I will probably need them to draw from in the days ahead J. Let us be mutually encouraged by one another’s faith! Rom 1:12



(so much for abridged!)

Ouch!

Ouch!

What is often bittersweet has been way more bitter than sweet this week. I don’t know the whys behind how grief operates. I honestly feel like things can be stable and maintained and then something triggers the fall that results in days of trying to get myself back together. Sounds a lot like Humpty dumpty doesn’t it?… sounds a bit like my heart as well. “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again”…but I KNOW that the KING Himself can put my heart back together.

I often think that every part of me that dies through this experience (not only this but all of those ‘deaths’ we die in the Christian walk) He will resurrect with more of the life of Jesus Christ. While that is incredible, that the Creator of the universe can weave the supernatural with the natural, it doesn’t make it any less painful. One of the big triggers is the closet. I don’t touch or look at his clothes very often… but I do think about how I need to get my winter stuff out of there to make more space. Scott used to joke that he had 1/8th of the closet and still I needed that space too. Well, that hasn’t changed! Every time I consider doing the winter-summer swap and taking the majority of his things out, it sends me into a tailspin. Another is needing to mow the lawn. A strange combination of pride and independence (and who knows what else) keeps me from wanting anyone else doing this. The basement is such a reminder of him. All of these tools and things that I have never had to touch are down there. I didn’t find the gas can and I am certain that Scott would be able to go right to it. I don’t think words can describe the wounds revealed from what should be simple tasks.

The amazing thing is that I have realized that there is healing in interceding for people with REAL injustices. My best day this week was when my heart broke over someone/something else. One of my students and I were talking about child sex trafficking. The deep pains that sin and evil leave in its wake are unfathomable…even to me in the midst of my own “suffering”. http://www.innocenceatlanta.org/about is a site about this problem in Atlanta, Ga. It is so easy to not read about, talk about and educate ourselves about these great injustices because it is painful to do so. If you call yourself a Christian and do indeed follow Him, you care about what He cares about and your heart breaks for the things that break His. If you do read about this problem I pray that your heart will break and that it will lead to intercession. I am praying that the Lord will bring justice, freedom and healing for these children and that He will return to bring His Righteousness and Justice to the Earth! I am going to end with one of the passages that I have recently been reading and gaining strength from. You can read it here or look it up in your own time… it’s a long one :)

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pangs of death surrounded me, and the pangs of hell laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. The I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered m soul from death, My eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." In my haste, I said, "all men are liars".

What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death f His saints. O Lord, truly I am Your servant; the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call upon the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem

Praise the Lord!

Sharing a little more of Scott

Sharing More of Scott: April 21st

There were so many things about Scott that many people were surprised to hear once they got to know him. I want to celebrate some of those wonderful and surprising things that were in him, especially now on his birthday.

Scott loved music. He was a drummer in high school, and afterward with Drum Corps International (DCI). I loved sometimes when in the kitchen at the restaurant he would take two knives and start drumming/cutting food with them. He also loved live music. When we were on our honeymoon in Cancun, we went to this club that had an American DJ/ mixer and he knew of the guy and absolutely loved it. I thought he would have been a really great “mixer” because he was such a great multi-tasker and could envision things and make them happen.

Scott applied for Top Chef, the reality cooking show. He didn’t get accepted, but it was fun to make the video for that and it will be nice to have that for the kids later in life.

Scott was a vegetarian. He didn’t eat most of the food that he cooked at the restaurant. He knew when things were right by smell and touch. He could touch a steak and know what temperature it was. Amazing.

He was the president of his fraternity, Sigma Chi, his last year of school. He graduated Cum Laud and did so in 3 ½ years. He graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice. I think one of his many dreams was to be an undercover agent for the FBI. He loved any movies or reality shows that had to do with “agent” type work.

Scott was in the application process with the Border Patrol to be an agent. To start the application process, you have to take a reasoning test and language acquisition test. The pass rate for this test the first time was really low (40% I think) and so Scott returned and told me he did well… I pulled out of him that he got a 96! He had completed all of the application process (a 4-6 month ordeal), had a private investigator fact checking and lacked only a urine test. We were preparing mentally for the real possibility of moving to the border.

He was extremely good at discerning character. He was quiet and liked to observe people and situations before jumping in.

He was an AMAZING father. He really loved his kids. He had supernatural amounts of patience, for both them and me. Crying and whining stress me out, but Scott would patiently and calmly deal with situations. When he was at home, he more than shared the load with the kids and I so appreciated that in him.

He had a romantic heart, which included flying to China to propose to me. He was best at expressing himself in writing, and even in art at times.

He was kind, compassionate, patient, generous, a hard worker, full of love and full of life. He loved God and loved to worship.

I wish I had made affirming and honoring him more of a priority when he was alive. I will just end with a little encouragement, especially to the wife, to encourage and affirm your husband. Not just to him, but to those around you. I know there are times when that isn’t the easiest thing to do, when water gets under the bridge etc., but I think what it does in a man’s heart is great and it is obedience to the Lord to honor your husband. Instead of focusing on the negative, please take the intentional opportunity to affirm the positive things in him (and those around you) today. We really aren’t promised tomorrow.

Lord, thank you for the amazing gift you gave me for 5 years in Scott. Seal those sweet, fond and fun memories in my heart forever. Please help me to live a life of no regrets with those that are in my life. Give me a heart and mouth that builds up, encourages and affirms!

Now for a few fun pictures...

Apparently in this one, he and a friend pranked another friend who worked at a drug store by letting this chicken loose in the store!

Remembering...

Remembering Scott
I can’t believe it’s ONLY been four months since he died. It feels like it has been much, much more painfully long a time than that. I’ve said before that more than anything I have lost my best friend in the world. I can’t believe that I took for granted being loved and understood. He knew me so well that he could read my mood from body language and read my heart from only a glance. I guess that’s often the case, that you don’t realize what you have until its absence makes it overwhelmingly obvious. I have time and time again thought about how this experience went for Jesus’ disciples. They had HIM with them, day in and day out. His presence, His words and His love were so very present with them daily. Then, suddenly, He was killed. Those days before He made His resurrected appearance must have been horrendous. The feelings of lost hope and the great despair were likely unrelenting. Then He showed Himself and walked among them before He ascended, with the promise to return. I can only imagine what inexpressible and awesome joy overtook them when they heard His voice and saw His body after He was crucified. I dreamed once that Scott was still alive. In my dream, I knew that he was hurt and weak, but he was alive. I remember the way he smiled when I saw him. It was one of those strange dreams that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I knew in that dream that he had died, but I was overcome with elation that he was in fact alive. I know that we will see him (and all of those who we have lost in the faith) again. I don’t understand exactly what that will look like. I often picture Scott worshiping Jesus. I know my imagination is too weak to even create a scenario that does justice. I’m sure my best attempts pale in comparison to the glory of heaven and the elation that Scott has before the King. Scott LOVED music and worshipping Him here, so I can only imagine how His days must be filled with gazing at the beauty of the Lord. I am jealous. It doesn’t seem fair that while he is in the fullness of His presence for eternity, I have to figure out how to walk through what seems like an eternity of the random ball of emotions that I can’t even seem to name. Even so I am comforted that I don’t have to do it alone. I have already mentioned how this whole experience has stirred emotions in me that I have never felt. Although my heart is raw, the Lord builds best with raw materials. In thinking about what the disciples experienced, and my present experiences, in some ways I feel like I am in that time in between the death and the resurrection emotionally. I feel this way in many ways, I have lost Scott, but I will see him again. In the midst of loss, God makes all things new and brings beauty from ashes. Although Jesus has been raised, I have to wait for His return to know Him fully as I am known. His death and resurrection paved the way for the redemption of all of humanity that believed. We know that all who have died will be resurrected from their earthly bodies and judged by God. Until the day of His return or our own death, we are in the mixed emotion position of grieving but with anticipation and of groaning in our mortal flesh yet with hopeful expectation. I am confident in the promises of the Lord. We will be reunited with those we have loved and lost, but most importantly, we will be united for eternity with the One who is Love Himself.

I read this from one of John Piper’s blog contributors and really liked the perspective it was written from concerning what it was like for Jesus’ disciples

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1711_I_Will_Never_Believe/

I also recently heard this (also from John Piper’s resources) about one man’s perspective and response to suffering loss. I was encouraged by it and hope you take the time to listen.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2001/55_To_Be_a_Mother_Is_a_Call_to_Suffer/

ALL ABOUT THE BABIES... kind of

I really do have WONDERFUL children.
Simeon will be one in less than 3 weeks. He is my toothless wonder. :) He eats absolutely everything that Eliya does, just by gumming things. He is walking around things while holding on and standing unassisted, but only when he doesn't realize he is doing so. His sweet chubby cheeks and curly red hair are just fantastic. He is SUCH a blessing to me. He is my hugger and seems to know when I really need one.

Eliya is almost 2 1/2. She is so big... no really! She literally grew an inch and a half in the past two months. She wears mostly 3T pants already! She constantly surprises me with her comprehension. I love comparing her linguistic abilities to my students who are learning English as a second language. They have similar problems :) The other day she said "Mama, Oh my goodness!" I LOVE it when she uses these little sayings we have... and most of the time correctly. She also said "Yee-Haw" yesterday very loudly in the car. Apparently, one of her Backyardagin videos has a western theme! I hear a little southern drawl in her sometimes too... unbelievable! Eliya is obsessed with the alphabet song and has it down perfectly. She also loves to point out every stop sign she sees and can spell S T O P. She tries to spell her name, but most adults can't spell it either so that will come :)

They both love music and love to dance. They also both love videos, which I carefully moderate. I so don't want them to get sucked in... which literally, if it is on, Simeon stares with his mouth hanging open. He is really drawn to the remote too... are the male genes THAT strong?!?

Eliya is asking about Daddy a little less these days. She told me the other day that she missed Daddy, she followed with Daddy's in heaven with Jesus. Even though she can produce that, I know the thought is SO abstract for her. She then asked me if we could go see Jesus that day. It's really hard to have any idea what to do with that. I have been asking God to give her dreams so that she could have a level of understanding that maybe I don't even have. Daily I ask for His presence as a Father and His peace to fill their room especially when they are sleeping.

It is very comforting that God' s heart is for the fatherless.
Psalms 68:5 NIV A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
In fact, the term fatherless or orphan appears at least 41 times in the Bible! I know that my family is in the palm of His hand. I honestly never thought empathetically about the fatherless or the "single mom". I keep thinking how unimaginable the additional burden hurt from divorce would be to the pain and responsibility that are already in these circumstances. I still know, and often dwell on the verses in Psalm 145:14-... The Lord sustains all who fall and raises all who are bowed down, He is near to those who cry out to Him in truth!

I also can't help but think about pain far greater than mine that others have suffered and are suffering. In 2008, UNICEF estimated that there were over 132 million orphans in the world. Those are truly orphans with no mother, father or permanent family. My pain seems so minimal compared to those little girls in Thailand (AND ATLANTA) who are in the sex trade. UNICEF also estimates that 1 Million children are brought into the sex industry every year. My pain is small in comparison to those who lost their entire families in the Rwandan massacres in 1994. GOD BREAK MY HEART FOR THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOURS! The pain and sorrows are too great and numerous for me to count, let alone bear. Jesus Christ DID bear all of these pains for us on the cross. Please do not let the commonness of His name in our culture or the simplicity of the message keep you from knowing the reality and depth of what He has done.

Isaiah 53: 3-5
He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried;Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.
Jesus knows the depths of pain. He understands anything that you could possibly have ever walked through. He loves you and has already completed what was necessary for you to walk without the burden of pain (His death on the cross).

He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Malachi 4:2 says The Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings for you people who fear my name. You will go out and leap like calves let out of a stall. Not too long ago, I saw a farmer enter his field with a hay bale... I could not believe how fast those cows could run and even leap! When I read this verse and God reminded me of that visual, I was overwhelmed with joy. No matter what your burden is, HE IS ENOUGH. He alone satisfies the desires of all men. He alone can heal the heart. A friend told me how she grows so much in the trials of life that she almost welcomes them!

1 Peter 1:6,7 "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ". The proof of your faith is more precious than gold which is perishable. OF COURSE, I wish that it hadn't cost so much for me to be laid bare before Him without any other props or hopes or helps in this world. I can with full conviction say that He really is enough. This world has nothing for me. I understand the futility of life. It is so short. My sufferings are so insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us through either death or His returning.

My heart really is that if you know Jesus, that you would pursue Him harder, the Word is living and active. It is the greatest way He speaks to us. If you feel Him drawing you, drop everything and respond. We, who are His, are passing through this world. Our citizenship isn't here... let's not live like it is. Let's be a living example of who Jesus is! He wants a pure bride who is mature and complete. Our rewards from sitting at His feet are immeasurable on this earth much less in heaven. Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy!

If you do not know Him... and this is how the Bible defines KNOWING (By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked. 1 John 2:3-6) ...then please consider your own mortality. There is ONE guarantee for every man ever born. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. I am going to die. Most of us assume that will come late in life, and for the majority of people I know that is the case. Please seek Him out. Seek out His Word.

Acts 4:12 says there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved.

Romans 10:9-11 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. For the Scripture says, “WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.”
I HONESTLY had no intent to go this direction with the post. I really was going to make it "all about the babies". I am trusting that this is where the Holy Spirit led it for a reason. If you hear His voice today... please do not harden your heart against Him. If you are having trouble understanding or believing... ask Him to open your eyes and heart so that you can trust. If you have any questions, I would have no greater honor on this earth than to help you in your spiritual journey. Many of the things God is doing in my life is a direct result from drawing near to Him in my pain from my husband's death. Scott's life was a testimony of God and to God, it is my prayer that his death will in part lead many to the foot of the cross.
Back to the kids... if you made it this far :) Here are a few pictures.

Refine Me!!!

I recently saw this picture when I visited a friend’s house. He works in the timber industry and explained that every three years they burn the ground where the pines have been planted to burn anything that would compete with the pines. I didn’t think much else about it, but that it was a cool picture. While I was praying Saturday night at The Well, the worship leaders began singing “Fresh fire, burn the dross away” and this picture popped back into my mind. Dross is the impurity that needs to be separated from valuable metals when they go through the refining process. I have more than once felt God calling me to purge my life in pursuit of holiness and intercede that His bride, the church, would be purged and purified as well. As I thought of this picture/imagery the Lord was using, I thought about the pretty flowers that would also be consumed in the process and immediately I thought about 1 Corinthians 10:23 that says, “All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.” I really believe sometimes in this process of purification, we have to lay down things that in and of themselves are not wrong or sin, but that might hinder us in the Lord. He wants our heart posture to be willing to lay all at His feet, even those things which may be earthly "rights". We who are His, have traded in our citizenship and are only in transient! I love in Luke 10:42 that Jesus said of Mary only ONE thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which will not be taken away from her. Martha was actively serving the Lord and yet His praise was for the one who was willing to sit at His feet. The first few verses in the beginning of John 15 talk about this “pruning” principle; every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 1 Peter 1:6-7 talks about the pain and prize of this process. “In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious that gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ”. This morning I was reading in The Pursuit of God, by Tozer (p.103), about how by our mouths we speak of Him being exalted in our lives; but our actions say something different.

“Millions call themselves by His Name, it is true, and pay some token of respect to Him, but a simple test will show how little He is really honored among them. Let the average man be put to the proof on the question of who is above, and his true position will be exposed. Let him be forced into making a choice between God and money, between God and men, between God and personal ambition, God and self, God and human love, and God will take second place every time. Those other things will be exalted above. However the man may protest, the proof is in the choices he makes day after day throughout his life. “Be thou exalted” is the language of victorious spiritual experience.”

I want to know Him as I am known. I know, more in this season of life than ever, that what I do in the day to day matters not only in the ‘here and now’, but it greatly matters for eternity. My works will be tested and revealed with fire (1 Cor 3:13). I want to bring Him glory on this earth and hear well done good and faithful servant one day.
LORD! Would You give us the hearts to ask for and welcome the refining fire. Let us be willing to lay aside the things that hinder love, even those things that might not be wrong or sin. Prune our hearts so that we can abide in the vine and become more like you. Restore MY heart Lord to the greatest commandment. Let me let go of my will, my ambitions and my desires and have a heart that says Be Exalted!

It’s almost as though this love and surrender thing is a cycle. We know His love and are compelled to surrender more, then more of His love is revealed… so we surrender more etc. What a gift and prize we have in Him if we’d be willing to give Him all of ourselves as He did for us. 2 Peter 3:14b “Be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless and blameless”. My favorite part is what I will end with. It is impossible that we could attain perfection this side of eternity, but Tozer addresses this so beautifully. “Now set over against this (those who willfully chose their own way), almost any Bible character who honestly tried to glorify God in his earthly walk. See how God winked at weakness and overlooked failures as He poured upon His servants grace and blessing untold…The man of God set his heart to exalt God above all; God accepted his intention as fact and acted accordingly. Not perfection, but holy intention made the difference.”

Longing

In the end of January, I went to a leadership conference for those who are participating in the prayer movement. It was a good time of teaching. One of the speakers talked about really longing for Christ's return. He used the analogy of how his wife really longs for his return especially when he is gone from home too long. He said his sons might say nothing more than "Dad, when are you coming home? Hurry ok" but his wife's longing is more evident in her words and tone. Her words are marked with a persistent, earnest desire.

I am well acquainted with longing. So much of me longs for things to be the way they were. I long for that silent assurance that came with being Scott's wife. The idea that no matter what happened, I would never be alone in anything. I miss his friendship, I miss him fathering our children, I miss his humor. In so many ways, I am one that hates the mundane, but I would love for one mundane day with him. I've never thought much about longings. Most of my christian walk has been absent of longing for Jesus. In this season, He is revealing Himself more and more and showing me His love for me. Psalm 145:16 says He opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing.

I understand more that all of creation and even we ourselves groan and suffer the pains of childbirth, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons and the redemption of our body (Romans 8: 23). 2 Corinthians 5:4-5, 8-9 says "For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave to us the Spirit as a pledge. I say and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

I am realizing that you can't long for that which you do not know. I haven't longed for His return because of my lack of knowing Him and experiencing His love. A song I've heard is so true, the more I seek You the more I find You, The more I find You, the more I love You. I know that there was a major transformation that took place in my life when I put my trust in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins 12 years ago. I also know that I have for years been wanting depth, but have lacked the discipline to be in the word and to really seek Him until I found Him. I am so thankful for His goodness and grace in saving me and keeping me. I also know that things can never go back to being the way they were. Jesus wants to be known. This is no sacrifice on our part. Letting go of the imitations of this passing world to gain Him and be made like Him is our prize, our reward. I wish that these lessons hadn't come at such a great cost, but I want the Lord to use them not just for me but others as well. For those of us in Christ Jesus, we have been bought with a price (His precious blood) and we are no longer our own. He is our Lord, and He lets us know Him as a husband. (Isa. 54:5) If we first restore the great commandment (Matt 22:37) to love the Lord with all of our hearts, souls and minds. Then we will naturally be found watching, waiting and hastening the day of the Lord (2 Peter 3:12). My personal aim is to learn what it is to deny myself, take up my cross and follow Him, for in losing my life I will find it. I am longing for more of Him in this life through the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, but toward the end of being in His presence for eternity, whether eventually through death or in His returning. I don't want to stand before Him and not know Him. I am pleading with you (and myself) to not waste THIS life and THIS time on yourself and the passing pleasures of this world.

Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us". Philippians 3:20-21 "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory."

I know that He alone can satisfy my longings. The longing in my heart for my husband and the longing to be in the presence of God, in this life/present age and the one to come! COME LORD!

John Piper has a sermon that shows how fasting and longing for His return work together.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/1995/900_Fasting_for_the_Kings_Coming/

Link to the song The More I Seek You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZfsxydxEXA

I really do so appreciate those of you who are still praying for me and my children. It has been a rough couple of days emotionally but even in it He is so near. Thank you so much.