Thursday, February 19, 2009


I love my journeys in the car. They are seldom without Eliya and Simeon competing to see who can make the loudest noise in the backseat; which is actually really cute. Normally, my only alone car time is the 15 minute commute from my mom’s house to the class. All kinds of things take place mentally in this solitude. Often I daze off into a memory, which is awesome since I’m supposed to be paying attention while driving. Even today, I had a memory of Scott that made me laugh out loud, which was followed immediately with tears. I’m glad there is still a box of tissues in the car from the day of the memorial service. I am still amazed at how life can change so quickly. My struggles lately are in attempting to figure out who I am now. Life felt fairly certain before. I was well defined in my roles. Being a wife was one which defined not only the day to day, but the next 40+ years. Now thoughts of the future bring anxiety. I believe it is God’s will for me to rest in Him, in His love, daily. Lamentations 3:22 “The Lord’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”

There are many illustrations in marriage that can really draw us to the Lord. I hate that I didn’t see some of these sooner. In this more reflective season of life, I have been thinking a lot about intimacy. I actually looked it up to see how it is defined. Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Something that I quickly noticed after Scott passed away is how often I the thoughts, “Scott would think this… or Scott would say this…” would enter my head. For example, when going into a parking lot, I park away from other cars so they don’t hit the doors… because that is what Scott would say or do. When something is funny, I think about what his comments would be. When I meet someone new, I hear what I think his opinions would be. Before Scott, I never noticed “wheels” on a car, but through his teaching, I became good at discerning which were supposed to be cool. I knew him well enough that I was put in charge of choosing the Netflix movies. I could watch a preview or hear a song and decide fairly accurately if it was his taste or not. To a degree, his interests became my interests. We were becoming “one”. I guess similar to the saying that you begin to look alike after time. Now, Scott isn’t here and I am left to remember the past, ponder the present and wonder about the future. In all of this, God is making Himself known to me more and more. I am learning that just like with Scott, I can have intimacy with Him. I can know his thoughts. (Psalm 25:14) I can know His heart. He loves me and wants to reveal Himself to me. (John 14:21) It isn’t by accident that He chose the most intimate of human relationships as a picture of how we can know Him. It is my greatest prayer that I/we would have the discipline and desire to sit before Him and hear Him speak to us. Song of Solomon 7: 10

“I am my beloved’s, and His desire is for me!”

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. This was my on my birthday and two weeks after our first anniversary. We rafted the Nantahala that weekend and had such a great time.
I am so thankful for memories and pictures and how God is continuing to reveal Himself through the picture of human relationships.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Snuggly Simeon

SIMEON. So very different than my firstborn. Eliya is independent and wants to do everything herself. She says, "I do it" at least 20 times a day. She likes to do as much as is possible all by herself. Simeon, on the other hand, loves to be held. He is a snuggler and hugger. He puts his arms around my neck and gets as close as is possible. It is difficult at times to have one so dependent. Often when he senses that I am going to put him down, he will wrap his hand around my hair to brace himself. He attempts to cling to me so that he can be held longer. It's very sweet, at times... It is great imagery for me though as God continues to speak parts of Psalm 63 over me. vs 8, My soul CLINGS to You; Your right hand upholds me. Oh that we would learn to CLING to HIM. I recognize my need for Him more in this season of life than ever, but I don't believe that my "need" is any greater now than it has ever been. I think I previously had false securities and distractions that made my perception of my need appear to be less.
Let Your fire burn, consuming me Let Your jealous flame come take away, everything,
Let your fire burn, consuming me Let Your jealous flame come and write your name upon my heart until all that remains, is the light of Your countenance. And I will be satisfied, when I awake as a lover of You!
Psalm 25:14 "The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him, and He will make them know His covenant." The Lord has secrets, intimacy that He wants me and you to know! In 1Corinthians 13 it says that now we see as in a mirror, dimly, but THEN face to face. Now we know in part but then we will know fully as we are fully known. The Lord really does know every thing about us (and He still loves us!). Not only that, but it is His desire for us to know Him. To know His secret thoughts and His heart.
I am on the journey of learning that there is no greater, worthwhile pursuit in this life than seeking Him out. The rewards of finding Him last FOREVER. In this season of my life, I am less concerned with things that will pass away. That God would realign the focus of the eyes of our hearts to Him!
Psalm 65:4 "How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You To dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple."