Ouch!

Ouch!

What is often bittersweet has been way more bitter than sweet this week. I don’t know the whys behind how grief operates. I honestly feel like things can be stable and maintained and then something triggers the fall that results in days of trying to get myself back together. Sounds a lot like Humpty dumpty doesn’t it?… sounds a bit like my heart as well. “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again”…but I KNOW that the KING Himself can put my heart back together.

I often think that every part of me that dies through this experience (not only this but all of those ‘deaths’ we die in the Christian walk) He will resurrect with more of the life of Jesus Christ. While that is incredible, that the Creator of the universe can weave the supernatural with the natural, it doesn’t make it any less painful. One of the big triggers is the closet. I don’t touch or look at his clothes very often… but I do think about how I need to get my winter stuff out of there to make more space. Scott used to joke that he had 1/8th of the closet and still I needed that space too. Well, that hasn’t changed! Every time I consider doing the winter-summer swap and taking the majority of his things out, it sends me into a tailspin. Another is needing to mow the lawn. A strange combination of pride and independence (and who knows what else) keeps me from wanting anyone else doing this. The basement is such a reminder of him. All of these tools and things that I have never had to touch are down there. I didn’t find the gas can and I am certain that Scott would be able to go right to it. I don’t think words can describe the wounds revealed from what should be simple tasks.

The amazing thing is that I have realized that there is healing in interceding for people with REAL injustices. My best day this week was when my heart broke over someone/something else. One of my students and I were talking about child sex trafficking. The deep pains that sin and evil leave in its wake are unfathomable…even to me in the midst of my own “suffering”. http://www.innocenceatlanta.org/about is a site about this problem in Atlanta, Ga. It is so easy to not read about, talk about and educate ourselves about these great injustices because it is painful to do so. If you call yourself a Christian and do indeed follow Him, you care about what He cares about and your heart breaks for the things that break His. If you do read about this problem I pray that your heart will break and that it will lead to intercession. I am praying that the Lord will bring justice, freedom and healing for these children and that He will return to bring His Righteousness and Justice to the Earth! I am going to end with one of the passages that I have recently been reading and gaining strength from. You can read it here or look it up in your own time… it’s a long one :)

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

The pangs of death surrounded me, and the pangs of hell laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. The I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have delivered m soul from death, My eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." In my haste, I said, "all men are liars".

What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death f His saints. O Lord, truly I am Your servant; the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call upon the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem

Praise the Lord!

Sharing a little more of Scott

Sharing More of Scott: April 21st

There were so many things about Scott that many people were surprised to hear once they got to know him. I want to celebrate some of those wonderful and surprising things that were in him, especially now on his birthday.

Scott loved music. He was a drummer in high school, and afterward with Drum Corps International (DCI). I loved sometimes when in the kitchen at the restaurant he would take two knives and start drumming/cutting food with them. He also loved live music. When we were on our honeymoon in Cancun, we went to this club that had an American DJ/ mixer and he knew of the guy and absolutely loved it. I thought he would have been a really great “mixer” because he was such a great multi-tasker and could envision things and make them happen.

Scott applied for Top Chef, the reality cooking show. He didn’t get accepted, but it was fun to make the video for that and it will be nice to have that for the kids later in life.

Scott was a vegetarian. He didn’t eat most of the food that he cooked at the restaurant. He knew when things were right by smell and touch. He could touch a steak and know what temperature it was. Amazing.

He was the president of his fraternity, Sigma Chi, his last year of school. He graduated Cum Laud and did so in 3 ½ years. He graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice. I think one of his many dreams was to be an undercover agent for the FBI. He loved any movies or reality shows that had to do with “agent” type work.

Scott was in the application process with the Border Patrol to be an agent. To start the application process, you have to take a reasoning test and language acquisition test. The pass rate for this test the first time was really low (40% I think) and so Scott returned and told me he did well… I pulled out of him that he got a 96! He had completed all of the application process (a 4-6 month ordeal), had a private investigator fact checking and lacked only a urine test. We were preparing mentally for the real possibility of moving to the border.

He was extremely good at discerning character. He was quiet and liked to observe people and situations before jumping in.

He was an AMAZING father. He really loved his kids. He had supernatural amounts of patience, for both them and me. Crying and whining stress me out, but Scott would patiently and calmly deal with situations. When he was at home, he more than shared the load with the kids and I so appreciated that in him.

He had a romantic heart, which included flying to China to propose to me. He was best at expressing himself in writing, and even in art at times.

He was kind, compassionate, patient, generous, a hard worker, full of love and full of life. He loved God and loved to worship.

I wish I had made affirming and honoring him more of a priority when he was alive. I will just end with a little encouragement, especially to the wife, to encourage and affirm your husband. Not just to him, but to those around you. I know there are times when that isn’t the easiest thing to do, when water gets under the bridge etc., but I think what it does in a man’s heart is great and it is obedience to the Lord to honor your husband. Instead of focusing on the negative, please take the intentional opportunity to affirm the positive things in him (and those around you) today. We really aren’t promised tomorrow.

Lord, thank you for the amazing gift you gave me for 5 years in Scott. Seal those sweet, fond and fun memories in my heart forever. Please help me to live a life of no regrets with those that are in my life. Give me a heart and mouth that builds up, encourages and affirms!

Now for a few fun pictures...

Apparently in this one, he and a friend pranked another friend who worked at a drug store by letting this chicken loose in the store!

Remembering...

Remembering Scott
I can’t believe it’s ONLY been four months since he died. It feels like it has been much, much more painfully long a time than that. I’ve said before that more than anything I have lost my best friend in the world. I can’t believe that I took for granted being loved and understood. He knew me so well that he could read my mood from body language and read my heart from only a glance. I guess that’s often the case, that you don’t realize what you have until its absence makes it overwhelmingly obvious. I have time and time again thought about how this experience went for Jesus’ disciples. They had HIM with them, day in and day out. His presence, His words and His love were so very present with them daily. Then, suddenly, He was killed. Those days before He made His resurrected appearance must have been horrendous. The feelings of lost hope and the great despair were likely unrelenting. Then He showed Himself and walked among them before He ascended, with the promise to return. I can only imagine what inexpressible and awesome joy overtook them when they heard His voice and saw His body after He was crucified. I dreamed once that Scott was still alive. In my dream, I knew that he was hurt and weak, but he was alive. I remember the way he smiled when I saw him. It was one of those strange dreams that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I knew in that dream that he had died, but I was overcome with elation that he was in fact alive. I know that we will see him (and all of those who we have lost in the faith) again. I don’t understand exactly what that will look like. I often picture Scott worshiping Jesus. I know my imagination is too weak to even create a scenario that does justice. I’m sure my best attempts pale in comparison to the glory of heaven and the elation that Scott has before the King. Scott LOVED music and worshipping Him here, so I can only imagine how His days must be filled with gazing at the beauty of the Lord. I am jealous. It doesn’t seem fair that while he is in the fullness of His presence for eternity, I have to figure out how to walk through what seems like an eternity of the random ball of emotions that I can’t even seem to name. Even so I am comforted that I don’t have to do it alone. I have already mentioned how this whole experience has stirred emotions in me that I have never felt. Although my heart is raw, the Lord builds best with raw materials. In thinking about what the disciples experienced, and my present experiences, in some ways I feel like I am in that time in between the death and the resurrection emotionally. I feel this way in many ways, I have lost Scott, but I will see him again. In the midst of loss, God makes all things new and brings beauty from ashes. Although Jesus has been raised, I have to wait for His return to know Him fully as I am known. His death and resurrection paved the way for the redemption of all of humanity that believed. We know that all who have died will be resurrected from their earthly bodies and judged by God. Until the day of His return or our own death, we are in the mixed emotion position of grieving but with anticipation and of groaning in our mortal flesh yet with hopeful expectation. I am confident in the promises of the Lord. We will be reunited with those we have loved and lost, but most importantly, we will be united for eternity with the One who is Love Himself.

I read this from one of John Piper’s blog contributors and really liked the perspective it was written from concerning what it was like for Jesus’ disciples

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1711_I_Will_Never_Believe/

I also recently heard this (also from John Piper’s resources) about one man’s perspective and response to suffering loss. I was encouraged by it and hope you take the time to listen.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2001/55_To_Be_a_Mother_Is_a_Call_to_Suffer/