One Year

Let me start by saying I can't think of a time I have ever been filled with so many opposing emotions. I hate that the one year mark is a looming, black date that reminds you every time you look at the calendar. In some ways I wish that I lived in the middle of the jungle somewhere where time is only measured in seasons. Obviously, that's not the case. It came and went and in some ways I'm glad to be past December 2nd.

The great conflict in emotions is the battle between the flesh and the spirit. My heart is greatly saddened as I remember the sweet, gentle, loving, funny man I committed my life to. The other side of the bed being empty every night and watching my daughter when she hears another child talk about their daddy are sharp reminders. The conflict comes when I think about how awesome and incredible it is for Scott to be in the presence of God, of love, the fullness of His presence, the fullness of joy. There is absence of pain, absence of striving. It's a little like hide-and-seek when you find the prize. Scott found a measure of all of this in part on earth, but now he knows as he is fully known. There aren't even human words to describe the glory of God and on this side of eternity we can't begin to comprehend what it's like for us to be in the fullness of the Presence of God. The same presence that the four living creatures in Revelation 4:8 do not cease day and night saying, "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord God, The Almighty who was and is and is to come." Such glory, beauty and holiness that for eternity they never tire of looking at Him and discovering the depths of The Creator, the uncreated One.

When I set my heart and mind on THIS God, and THIS reality for Scott. I'm not sad, a little jealous, but not sad. There are still difficult things that his absence leaves; emotionally empty places that I have to continue to look to the Lord for, praying with everything in me that I will be able to be what my kids need and point them to God who is a father to the fatherless, decisions that I have to make about day to day life. I continue to lean on Jesus. I know He is true, He is right, His word endures forever. He is unchanging. His promises are good. He is a husband, a father, a savior, a friend. All of my hope is in Him.
( Ps 19:9, 1Pet 1:25, Heb 13:8, Heb 10:23, Isa 54:5, Ps 68:5, Isa 43:11, Rom 15:13)

So, even though this time is bittersweet and accompanied with pain and tears, I am remembering the best parts of Scott and our life together and will keep my eyes on Jesus, the one who started and perfects my faith.