The last few days have been difficult. I am so thankful that the good days (in perspective) have far outweighed the bad ones. The good days are filled with awe at how much the Word is coming alive and knowing that the Lord loves me and is holding and guiding me with His mighty hand. I have gone back and forth between whether I am progressing normally, or simply in denial.
This week, my family came and organized some cabinets and a linen closet for me. It was a great help since my "giftings" definitely do not include organization! Scott was so sweet in that he never complained that 3/4 of the closet belonged to me and 5 out of the 7 drawers in our chest of drawers were filled with my things. His work clothes made their home in the hall linen closet. Occasionally he'd joke that Eliya had more closet space than him; although true, he meant it light-heartedly. So, my mom and aunt asked if they could organize the linen closet. The thought of his stuff being moved around did make me feel a little uncomfortable, but not to the point that I would say no. It will feel uncomfortable 2 months and 2 years from now as well. They boxed up his work stuff for the basement. I had them keep out a few of his chef coats that have "The Attic" written on them since this is what he wore the majority of our life together.
It wasn't until it was all said and done that the impact fell heavy on me. Scott is never going to wear those clothes again. He is never going to need his work clothes. Although this is not new information, something processed differently in me and it has been a difficult couple of days. I thought of a great analogy today for how it feels. When an amputee has the sensations for the limb that was removed they call it "phantom" sensations or pain. It is very metaphorically like half of me has been cut away, and my brain is pretending that it is still there. Although I don't consciously think "he's just at work", I know part of me has to be believing that. Like a wound that has just stopped bleeding and then you bump it, my heart aches more these days and that lump in my throat has returned. God is STILL good and will be my comfort through these days, and many more like these.
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 62:5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God only. For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, o people; Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 63:7&8 (the whole psalm is good though)
For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.
I do have to say the biggest blessing is the two beautiful babies that God has given me. It's hard to be sad in their presence. First of all because there is no time! Secondly, because they are just so beautiful and sweet. Here are a few glimpses of the faces I get to see everyday.
Characteristic of Simeon's temperament. What a joy!
Playing with Eliya
What beautiful blue eyes both babies got from their Daddy. See how Simeon's hair is curling around the edges?!
So pretty and big!
i'm glad you posted and were so honest. it makes me wish i were closer to come just hang out with you and the kids. i think about you so much and will continue to pray for you as you come to mind. i can't believe how big eliyah is getting - she is just so beautiful. and little simeon- how handsome!
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