How do I begin to put into words what the past month without Scott has been like? Whirlwind, shocking, overwhelming, painful… these words skim the surface. Today is one month from the day of the accident. The last time I saw Scott, he was helping me get Simeon and Eliya into the car so I could leave for work. I was running late which is a common occurrence for me. I woke him up and asked if he could help me. He did almost every morning (again because I was often running late). He dressed Eliya and carried Simeon out to the car. He came back around to Eliya’s side to open her door, kiss her and tell her he loved her. He always did that too. Sadly, I can’t remember if we exchanged a quick peck or not. I most likely said “I love you” because I always did. As I backed away, I saw him going back inside to sleep for a little longer since he didn’t have to be up that early.
I long for a little more time. I wish I could even just change our last 48 hours. I know it doesn’t work that way and one of the lessons I have learned in recent seasons is wishing things in the past had been different doesn’t lead to a life of contentment. I cannot change what is in the past and I am at peace with that. I am now learning that I cannot dwell on tomorrow. That is truly God’s. I have spent way too much time thinking, plotting, planning and dreaming about the future. What a waste that has turned out to be. Who knew Matthew 6:34 should and could be applied so literally, “so do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”. Next month, much less five years from now is an overwhelming thought. I pray that I will never live for another day again.
In the midst of my deep sadness, I am so comforted when I think about what Scott’s day looks like, day in and day out. I am excited to know we can still have a shared experience. The more I am in God’s presence; I am, in a sense, where Scott is also. I am excited for him that he knows as he is fully known and that there are no hindrances for him that we still have to struggle with in our flesh and in this world. Those things really do bring great comfort, peace and even a sense of excitement. This life is like a vapor. Something I did struggle with was the fact that Scott laid in the woods for 4 and ½ hours dying. It really bothered me. I was playing back all of the things that I was doing during that time completely unaware. A dear friend reminded me that any momentary affliction is so small compared to the weight of glory that is on the other side of that. Oddly, God is using that for me as well. My light and momentary afflictions are going to produce for me an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
I know I have said it and I will continue to, I am so thankful in this season for the prayers of the saints, because God has so been pouring truth into me. I haven’t had to battle doubts, fears, anger and many of the things one would expect in these circumstances. I feel like God has every step along the way given me His truth and His words for me. In the beginning of this whole ordeal when I really just wished that I could hold Scott’s hand one more time and I thought, I’ll never get to do that again… God by His spirit said, “you can take mine”. I WILL.
Psalm 139: 7-10 “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL LEAD ME, AND YOUR RIGHT HAND WILL LAY HOLD OF ME!!”
I really have nothing else to say but God is good. Again, thank you for your prayers.
One of our favorite sermons is all the more applicable now. It is The Sufferings and Successes of Adoniram Judson by John Piper. Please listen to this and be changed.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1528/Audio/
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hey girl.... i just had to tell you this. i always love your posts, but this one REALLY spoke to me. i could sit here and do nothing but plan ahead. i love planning my next years, up to 5 years, like you said. thanks for reminding me to live in the NOW! also, just wondering if karen had ever mentioned to you that my hubby and i were wanting to adopt a child from china? i can't wait to be able to visit with you one day, and you can tell me all about it! =)
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