A couple of weeks ago I began to feel that overwhelming, nagging, irritable, impatient, frustrated thing that signals grief is knocking at the door. If I don't give myself to extra time with the Lord when I recognize it, it threatens to disrupt the delicate balance of life. I know this about myself and have seen the patterns enough now to know how to respond. Generally, the longer I try to keep it at bay, the stronger it grows. The only way to move through it a little more swiftly is to embrace it and let the emotions out before the Healer of my soul.
A couple of weeks ago, I was trying just to make it through the day intact with full intentions on getting before God and not just going to sleep hoping I would wake up better. But just as it goes, many times, once the dust of the day has settled and I am available for this mini breakdown; it disappears. I have often felt like saying...ok God, here we are and NOW there's nothing. When I have the time to work through emotions, that's when they take a siesta.
God is so good and I sense a stirring and drawing towards Him that I haven't in a while. It's so good. I know there is something to be said for being faithful regardless, but it's so good to run hard WHILE you hear Him calling. What's odd is that I hear Him calling me to a season of discipline, correction and instruction. I love that it matters less what He's calling me to, but just THAT He is calling! He disciplines for our good that we might share in His holiness. After being trained by it, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
So in the midst of feeling like I'm entering a good season in some ways spiritually, I can't help that I've already counted down a few times until January 1 and felt like that's when I will fully be in the clear in crossing yet another mile stone; the second anniversary of Scott's death. Inevitably (and even fondly, but painfully so) I am remembering the lasts, and all that followed this season two years ago.
While I'm "ok" today, I want to ask for prayer for myself and Scott's parents and siblings over the next few weeks. I know when grief is more present and I'm in the thick of it, it isn't very likely that I will ask. Please ask the Lord to be near, that His unfailing love would be our comfort. Psalm 119:76