In Need of His Grace

A couple of weeks ago I began to feel that overwhelming, nagging, irritable, impatient, frustrated thing that signals grief is knocking at the door.  If I don't give myself to extra time with the Lord when I recognize it, it threatens to disrupt the delicate balance of life.  I know this about myself and have seen the patterns enough now to know how to respond.  Generally, the longer I try to keep it at bay, the stronger it grows.  The only way to move through it a little more swiftly is to embrace it and let the emotions out before the Healer of my soul. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was trying just to make it through the day intact with full intentions on getting before God and not just going to sleep hoping I would wake up better.  But just as it goes, many times, once the dust of the day has settled and I am available for this mini breakdown; it disappears.  I have often felt like saying...ok God, here we are and NOW there's nothing.  When I have the time to work through emotions, that's when they take a siesta.

God is so good and I sense a stirring and drawing towards Him that I haven't in a while.  It's so good.  I know there is something to be said for being faithful regardless, but it's so good to run hard WHILE you hear Him calling.  What's odd is that I hear Him calling me to a season of discipline, correction and instruction.  I love that it matters less what He's calling me to, but just THAT He is calling!  He disciplines for our good that we might share in His holiness.  After being trained by it, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. 

So in the midst of feeling like I'm entering a good season in some ways spiritually, I can't help that I've already counted down a few times until January 1 and felt like that's when I will fully be in the clear in crossing yet another mile stone; the second anniversary of Scott's death.  Inevitably (and even fondly, but painfully so) I am remembering the lasts, and all that followed this season two years ago. 

While I'm "ok" today, I want to ask for prayer for myself and Scott's parents and siblings over the next few weeks.  I know when grief is more present and I'm in the thick of it, it isn't very likely that I will ask.  Please ask the Lord to be near, that His unfailing love would be our comfort.  Psalm 119:76 

Thank you

Use it ALL Lord

Today is one of those days…again. Hindsight, I can see it in the works the past few days. I will give you a glimpse of grief. There are many great things going on; God’s word is alive and I feel a draw to Him. Good things happening at the house of prayer and my house is getting closer and closer to being ready for us to move into. The last day or two, I start feeling unusually irritable and frustrated. I seem to have less patience for the kids and overall I feel sadness draped over me. THEN, I realize that Scott’s birthday is coming this week. It’s strange how there seems to be an internal indicator that sets in motion before I even seem recognize the cause and effect. I’m sure that part of not seeing it a little sooner is just being too busy and not getting before the Lord when I started feeling “out of sorts”. So last night I made the connection and by this morning I mostly just feel the sadness of it. It's probably been building for a while.  It's especially difficult when Eliya asks questions about heaven and daddy.


Easter Sunday, there was someone playing Jesus at children’s church. Eliya has been told so many times that Daddy is with Jesus, that when she saw this guy, she fully expected to see Daddy too. I mentioned to her that his birthday was coming up and she asked if he would have a party at the park; followed by questions about if you get presents in heaven on your birthday, etc. I usually last about 90 seconds before I have to change the subject.

EVERY single time that the intensity comes like this, God shows Himself to be so tender. It’s just like how sensitive and sweet I want to be toward my children if one of them is hurt. If I, being a good parent, want to kiss my child’s boo boo when they hurt; how much more does a perfect heavenly Father want to make His presence and kiss known when I cry out to Him. I am so aware of how low and needy I am, and He comes near(James 4:8a). In the midst of pain, I love the “cuddling”. God loves to comfort those who mourn and to raise up those who are bowed down (Mt 5:4, Ps 145:14). I often tell the Lord to use every bit of what comes along with my circumstances. I don’t want any of it to be in vain. Use the grief to bring me to Your feet. Use the pain to make me like You. Use the tears to heal the deepest places in my soul. Use my life for Your kingdom and set my gaze on eternity. Let my precious husband’s life and death continue to bear fruit through my life and our children’s lives, In Jesus’ Name! (Jn 12:24)

Listen to this song that continues to speak to my soul: Come as Close as You Want